(Closed) Feeling unloved a month before wedding

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4040 posts
Honey bee

@littleacorn:  Hmm, tough situation because I am sure he is under a lot of stress. However, rather than distancing himself and wanting to move out, he should be finding comfort and solace in your company. As a couple, you two should find better ways to support each other and have a mutual understanding.

 

While this is a stressful time for him, it is for you too. The wedding is quickly approaching, so there are things to prep and plan. The certifications mean studying for him and you not having that time with him. 

 

I can understand he is under a lot of stress, but I would be concerned with his behavior and distancing. That is not a productive coping mechanism for a healthy relationship. Is this how he normally acts under stress? What will you two when your relationship is struggling or other life challenges come up?

 

I don’t think it’s necessary for a guy to “treat you like a queen,” but I do believe it’s important that each partner is equally treated with love, respect and is cared for. It’s a little concerning you are having doubts/are thinking of other men, but it could be because of your circumstances.

 

Not trying to sound harsh, but I would recommend you have a heart to heart with him about your feelings and the situation. You two need to resolve these issues BEFORE you get married. If you two do not make some progress in the next week or two, you may want to seriously contemplate the status of your relationship and whether or not you want to be married.

ETA: Read through your post history and many of your posts are about concerns/issues/frustrations about your FI. You mentioned him “not believing” in counseling, but you two need to either look into counseling together or start communicating better soon. Things will only get more stressful after marriage if you continue this way.

Post # 5
Member
4040 posts
Honey bee

@littleacorn:  I would start by saying some of the things you mentioned on here. That you are feeling left out and disconnected with him right now. You could tell him that you want to support him during this stressful time and want to help him be succesful on his certifications, but to do that, he has to let you in and communicate with you.

Lastly, I would not expect him, or anybody, to devote 100% of their attention to you. That is unrealistic and unfair. Relationships are about compromise and support, not about how much attention one gets/give. While you are a couple, you are two individuals and you will need to find ways to feel confident and self-sufficient on some level. I personally don’t think it is fair to expect one’s significant other to fulfill all of one’s needs or to have them always treat you like a queen. 

Post # 8
Member
4040 posts
Honey bee

@littleacorn:  It’s up to you, but if you are afraid to talk to your FI or you two are not able to deal with a situation/stress head on, then do you feel like that bodes well for your relationship?

Post # 9
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

@littleacorn:  “He will probably say, “I’m so stressed right now — I’m worried about losing my job and passing this exam, and you thought this would be a good time to bring this conversation up?” “

Yes, I agree he probably will say that. I’ve been there (I have been that lonely person). I really pissed off my FI last month when he was so stressed with work and job-hunting and preparing for interviews when I just totally broke down one night at 1am when he had to get up at 6 the next morning and give a presentation at work. I felt awful about my timing but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer! He was relatively sweet about it (didn’t kick me out the room) and hugged me but he really had to sleep so I just cried in the bathroom and we talked about it the following night. He cuddled me and said I just needed to hang in there a little more and this short-term unhappiness and loneliness will be over with soon and we have the rest of our lives together to be romantic and lovey-dovey, but right now, it’s going to be stressful and I’m just going to have to put up with it. Hopefully this stint will be over with for me in 2 weeks 🙂

So I’ll pass on the same advice to you- hang in there a little longer!!! Once his studying’s done and the wedding stress is all over you will be so romantic and happy together, I’m sure!

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

So… I’m kind of like your FI. As a matter of fact I kicked my FI out of the apartment during my most recent finals week at college. Was he doing anything wrong? Nope. Not a thing. But I was hyper agitated so everything drove me up a wall. And the best thing my FI could do was get out of the way. (The sound of him typing in the living room bothered me while I was studying in the bedroom on the opposite side of the apartment with a closed door between us while I was wearing ear plugs.)

 

I am sorry you feel the way you do but he doesn’t have the brain power to commit to dealing with emotions right now. Not even his. I can almost guarantee the only thing he is running off of right now is the belief that what he is doing to going help build a better life for the two of you. When this is over you can both be emotional wreaks together. Just try to hold it together this last week. 

Post # 12
Member
1592 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I could see this happening to me. My FI takes work VERY seriously. I do think it’s kinda weird that your FI wants to move out for a week, but everyone handles stress differently.

When it comes to the guy in the past who showered me with affection, it is easy to only remember the good times and forget the bad. While he wasn’t horrible, after some time I realize why I’m better off, much better off, with FI.

Post # 15
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

It doesn’t sound like he is violating your expectations. You should realize by now how he acts when he has to take a certification. Instead of being hurt by it and taking it personally, it should be something you’ve accepted. It’s short term and will be over soon enough. Pining for guys from your past is a slippery slope, especially over transient issues. That is an immature response. You need to either accept his distance during these times, or talk to him to negotiate a new way of interacting while he’s doing these certifications. Quietly brooding and thinking of exes is just asking for trouble. 

Post # 16
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have felt like this about my FI from time to time…and then I ask myself how I would feel if the situation were reversed and I snap out of it!

It’s not exactly the same thing, but FI has been through a few jobs in the past few years, and he always seem to work odd hours or super long days, or practically every day of the week. He has worked out of town, and considered jobs that would take him away again. I would get so frustrated and furious with him for leaving me at home all the time, and for wanting to take jobs that would keep him away . Then it hit me…when we are in a poisiition for me to pursue the career I want, I will probaby be away from home a lot, so how can I be so mad him for it?

I think my point is, he is working towards something, and while it SUCKS that he can’t give you the attention you want, it really can’t be avoided. Him wanting to move out for a week would upset me, too, but would you rather keep walking on eggshells?

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