(Closed) Feeling unsure about going forward with this.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Have you talked to him about this have you told him how you don’t feel he puts enough effort towards the relationship, how he’s constantly offensive and hurtful and not supportive enough? Mayeb he needs a wakeup call, tell him how you feel and how you’re not sure you can cope with that for the rest of your life.

 

 Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?

Post # 4
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

That must be hard for you.

If I were in this situation, I would try thinking about how this will plan out over the years.

If he’s not able to recognize that he’s hurting you now, I’d have no reason to think he’d be able to later. 

EDIT: This is assuming you have already told him (although he should know!!!) how this makes you feel, etc.

Post # 5
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

To me putting you down and making you feel inferior is kind of like emotional abuse. Its one thing to joke about it, but another thing to be serious, and making you uncomfortable.

If you really think this is the man for you, then you need to start taking about these issues and just letting it be known how you feel when he does ____ and how you wish to be treated.

 

Post # 6
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If you start out describing your Fiance as “My fiance isn’t a bad guy. He doesn’t physically or emotionally abuse me.” he may not be the best catch for you.

Post # 9
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I want to say something positive, but some things you’ve said remind me a lot of how my mom and dad interacted–they’re now divorced. He was always very critical of things she did around the house and in general, and even though I know it was his way of being a perfectionist, constant minor criticisms do start to add up to abuse. I guess what worries me the most is the lack of support and pride towards you. At least in my mind, that counts for a lot.

Post # 10
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I feel like if you’ve been questioning the marriage for a year, you know it isn’t right. No one knows for sure but you. You deserve to be treated well! Can you imagine the rest of your life being talked to like that? It doesn’t sound happy. I wish you the best with this tough choice. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We have some of these same issues. We started going to counseling a couple months ago and wow what a difference! He falls off the wagon of nicety but with practice we will be better. What are his parent’s like? My  guy has had nothing but bad examples his entire life and at 35 is just now seeing why he acts the way he does. Counseling really has been the answer to my cold feet, maybe it could help you guys too?

Post # 12
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@UnsureThumbelina:  You are VERY wise to question this relationship.  You should not marry someone just because you’ve been with him since you were a teenager, just because you have some simliar goals, just because you’re already engaged, just because you’ve put money down on the venue, and just because you have already purchased your gown. 

Marriage should be forever, and it is challenging enough under the very best of circumstances.  Trying to make a marriage work when you believe you’re investing 80 percent of the effort, and that he’s chipping in a mere 20, does not bode well for a successful future.  The fact that this man is consistently insensitive to your feelings, is overwhelmingly negative toward your efforts to do nice things for him, and continually refuses to stop making jokes offensive to his own fiance’s culture — even after you’ve repeatedly asked him to stop — shows that he is not behaving in a manner that is consistent with a man who loves and cherishes his fiance. Sadly, there is nothing about him eventually saying “I do” in a wedding ceremony that will suddenly change this behavior.

One of the problems inherent with the engagement stage in our culture is that what SHOULD ultimately be the FINAL opportunity for someone to choose to end a relationship tends instead to become a whirlwind of deadline-driven planning and activity that takes on a life of its own. Even if a prospective bride or groom discovers that he or she is unsure about the relationship, there is a master planning schedule driving the train, and people find themselves afraid to stop it, since money has been spent, plans have been made, people have been told, etc.

Listen carefully to what your GUT is telling you, and make your decisions based upon that, not upon how many plans have been made, how long you’ve been with him or how much money has been committed toward this wedding. A YEAR of questioning is not reflective of “cold feet.” Rather, it’s a HUGE indication that you are not happy in this relationship and that you are deeply concerned about making this commitment. 

Post # 13
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Give yourself permission to start being the person you want to be now.  Make whatever changes you want in your life, and do what you want.  Either he will be supportive, or you will quickly realize that it is not working for you.  Nothing brings things to a head or settles them for you like pursuing your own destiny.  If he is still part of the picture, great–if not you have avoided a lot of heartache and struggle.

 

It sounds like this relationship has been running on inevitability.  You are still young and you need to think about what possibilities you want to pursue and whether he can help you get there.  He sounds immature and emotionally manipulative, like my ex, but you need to decide for yourself and do what is best for you.  But def some red flags here. 

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