- 4 years ago
Hello. This is probably something I should be discussing in a therapist’s office and not in an online forum, but I am feeling overwhelmed and am hoping for some support.
I met someone online and we are are currently in a long distance marriage (3 hours driving away from one another), following a long distance relationship where we would see each other (and continue to see each other) every weekend or every other weekend. My spouse is an American and living in the states and I am a Canadian and currently living in Canada. We filed an I-130 form which is sitting somewhere at the Vermont Service Centre and once that is approved it will go to the NVC (National Visa Centre).
I’m feeling very overwhelmed, anxious, and sad because I am wondering whether or not I made the right choice in getting married to this person and committing to them and to this move. We were engaged 6 months after we began dating and married about 10 months after we began dating and have known one another for 15 months total. Lately I have been faulting myself and wondering if I/we jumped into this too quickly. Before our wedding (a courthouse ceremony with only a few guests) I spoke with my spouse about waiting another 4 months because I felt like maybe we should take some more time and decide if we were doing the right thing. This also would have put us a few months past the 1 year dating mark so that things would not seem so rushed. I also suggested counselling, not because anything was wrong but just to make sure we were both on the same page about everything (in hindsight- expectations, life goals, etc.). My spouse was vehemently against both of those things and was eager to get married so that we could begin the immigration process for me to relocate to the states so I dropped both topics. Again, I think I was trying to keep them happy. I was also swept up maybe in the romantic notion of meeting this person, falling in love, and moving to start anew with them in another country.
Fast-forward to now, and I am feeling unsure of this marriage and moving. We have been having a lot of disagreements about family, our expectations from one another, and our opinions on a variety of things. My spouse feels that now that we are married, that we should be one another’s #1 priority at all times. I agree with this, to a point. Although my spouse is definitely my #1 the majority of the time, I think there also needs to be a balance of priority between each other, family, and friends. I am feeling a bit smothered by my spouse’s expectations of me. I have missed birthday parties, been made to feel guilty about helping with a family emergency, and been made to feel guilty for going to friend’s events that my spouse couldn’t attend because my spouse feels that in those scenarios I am not making our relationship my priority, and I don’t agree with that. I’m not saying my spouse’s feelings are wrong because everyone has different relationship needs, but I think our needs are different. (As an example- a little while ago I had to delay our visit for a day because I was taking care of my mother’s cat who became ill. While at the vet’s for 2 hours with the cat and being told by the vet it might need to be put to sleep, my ex did not offer support once but did text me 3 or 4 times to ask if/when I was coming and to say I should call my mother to come home and take care of her cat because I have a long-distance spouse and the situation was delaying our being together (my mother was visiting family an hour away), where if this situation had been the other way around I would have been completely supportive of my spouse while they handled it, even if it was on “our time”.)
I have also been feeling lately that my spouse can be selfish and that although they care for my feelings and concerns, that care is not more important than how they feel. I also feel like I am sometimes not heard in the relationship. My spouse asks for my input on things, (for example) like whether or not to accept an offer on the house they own and are trying to sell, and then sometimes gets angry about what I say, because I said to accept the offer and that means that I think the house is a piece of crap. We also have a lot of different opinions on a variety of issues. I knew this getting married and was okay with it because I still thought that we were able to discuss things. Now however, my spouse feels like when we’re talking about those things it could lead to fighting so we shouldn’t talk about it. This makes me so sad. I mean, really, I am not allowed to discuss things with my spouse? I need to find someone else to talk to?
Now here we are almost 6 months later and waiting for the first stage of immigration to be approved and I keep worrying that this is not really what I want. I know I can’t blame my spouse for this- I agreed to the wedding date and backed off of the counselling idea because I wanted my significant other to be happy and felt like my saying I wasn’t sure about the wedding or wanted to wait was doing the opposite of that. There was also some pressure from my family and friends to prolong the engagement (they thought it was too soon and too rushed…and they might have been right). I am seriously considering a divorce and I don’t know that counselling is an option, because we can only spend weekends together and because I honestly don’t know if this is something that can be fixed or if it is just 2 different people with different expectations, and I don’t know if they’re things either of us can change.
That’s it, and in a nutshell believe it or not! Any thoughts?