(Closed) Feeling USED. am I overreacting?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

As a bride who has had a little trouble with her Maid/Matron of Honor, I think it is crucial that you talk to your friend. She is/was your friend, presumably for a long time, before this wedding, and she is (hopefully) still that same person. She needs to know how you feel – and as your friend she deserves a chance to explain what happened and apologize for hurting your feelings. Maybe she won’t respond the way you think and then you’ll be able to take your friendship from there. Or maybe she’ll come up with an explanation you never even thought of.

Post # 5
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m sorry V.  Unfortunately I had a very similiar situation.  Sadly, I am no longer friends with the bride who was my best friend.  I have learned that during each stage of your life, each friend has to make it to the next level with you…. high school friends transition to college friends, college friends to adult friends and then to married friends.  At each stage of life there are different stresses that can bring out the positive and negatives in a persons personality.  If she is a selfish liar, like she sounds to be, I would either call her out or move on.  I know its hard to get the balls to confront your friend, but do you really want a 40 year old friend who acts like this?  What if your kids get in trouble together one day and she blames you?  If she can cut it as an adult friend, you are better off knowing now. 

Post # 6
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Weddings can be sooo stressful! My suggestion is honesty. Try to tell her that although she may not have intended to make you feel a certain way… that X and Y bothered you. Being honest about feelings can’t be right or wrong, b/c those are just your feelings. And even though she may not intend to hurt you or be inconsiderate… if she left you feeling that way, you should let her know. What she does with that information is up to her, but honesty – albeit can be brutal and hurtful – is probably the best way to go. I always tell my FH when we have disagreements "you may not have intended to do X, but it left me feeling Y…" Everyone is different, and feelings are different, so what is nothing to her, could be somethign to you… and i think its probably best to acknowledge that!

Post # 7
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

V, this sounds awful for you! I’m sorry you have to deal with it!

Do you know if the other bridesmaids feel the same way you do? Perhaps you would have the courage to confront your friend if you had backup?  Or maybe they know something about the tension between you two that you are unaware of. 

Confrontation doesn’t have to be "what’s your problem?!". If you word it in a way that conveys concern for your relationship, a desire to repair it, and intentions to move on as friends, maybe she would take a que from you acting as a friend and start acting like one herself again. And you might be surprised when you find the underlying reason for her evasiveness and hostility- maybe it’s because of something you did but were totally unaware of. However, she may refuse to open up. In that case you can probably conclude that she has no desire to repair the friendship. And you probably don’t want that kind of person in your life- and most especially, tainting one of the most important memories you will have.

I would tell her that you want your wedding to be a happy day and that it would be difficult to enjoy it if you knew she was harboring ill feeling towards you. At this point, you can give her (and yourself) an out- tell her that while you would love for her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor as originally planned, your relationship has obviously changed and you don’t want her to have to fulfill the duties of an Maid/Matron of Honor if she does so out of obligation and not out of love. If she didn’t get it before, maybe at this point she will either bow out gracefully so you can replace her or she will realize how rotten she’s been and make amends.

Best of luck, V. I hope this story has a happy ending!

Post # 8
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

also- i don’t think it would be "rude" to revoke Maid/Matron of Honor duties from her.  if she has such an issue with you, she would probably be relived.  and to be honest, it would be rude of HER to impose her bad attitude on YOUR wedding day!

As for your parents enjoying a meal at her family’s restaurant: I would hope that her parents would understand that the argument is between YOU and their DAUGHTER, not between families.  If not, is one less place to eat dinner REALLY a big deal?

seriously, good luck- and don’t let this stop you from being happy on your big day!

Post # 9
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You should talk to her before you start thinking about giving her the boot. Hopefully whatever flew up her but will be talked about and hopefully resolved. I would feel the same way you do, and you should let her know how you feel. But I also agree with jyam it is not rude to revoke! 

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