Post # 1
Ok, this is a little bit of a rant. Sorry if it’s a bit long! 😉
I totally UNDERSTAND. When a couple gets married the days are after the wedding and the honeymoon are hectic and I do know that it takes a while to get back to normal….but….do brides usually just fall off the radar completely and forget their friends???
My friend got married the first week of October 2008. I was one of her two bridesmaids (MOH, but don’t feel like using the title anymore). She completely vetoed a bridal shower AND a bachelorette party but I heard she was complaining about it to her now DH’s friends. I assumed she said her ‘bad’ bridesmaids didn’t do anything for her to prevent people from thinking she was weird for not having a shower or a party…she does let other people take the fall sometimes just so that she doesn’t have to deal with stuff…and that would totally explain how cold the groom’s friends reacted to us (bridesmaids). Totally uncomfortable and uncalled for.
I technically moved mountains for this woman. Spent days helping her out and didn’t even get a proper thank you. My mom suggests I should let it go. I quite CAN’T and I’m feeling used.
I don’t want to confront her because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. She is my bridesmaid…well, Maid/Matron of Honor, really but at this point I really want nothing to do with her. I had send her a few emails, texts and messages for different reasons…wishing her a great honeymoon, welcoming her back…etc. ALL of them have been ignored. No reply whatsoever.
Two months after her wedding we finally met after she postponed a couple of times. She went right to my wedding details (which is fine) but with a very aggressive attitude that quite frankly left me stressed. I went on a trip just 2 days after her wedding and she didn’t ask me anything. I changed the convo to her honeymoon and all the places they visited…and she went on and on for all the limited time we had. I think I have a very selfish friend and I just realized it. 🙁
I did leave her reception early…1hr. before everything finished. I had been with her technically since the day before and since 6am that day. She was not a bridezilla…just a bit thoughtless. I don’t know if leaving the reception early warrants all the ignored emails or she truly is just busy.
My mom suggests that I shouldn’t care and that as long as she shows up on the wedding day I shouldn’t bother…but that’s NOT how I work. I don’t want repayment for the time I spent helping her with her wedding but I also don’t want a friend that I’m thinking is NOT a friend. What do I do? any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Post # 3
As a bride who has had a little trouble with her Maid/Matron of Honor, I think it is crucial that you talk to your friend. She is/was your friend, presumably for a long time, before this wedding, and she is (hopefully) still that same person. She needs to know how you feel – and as your friend she deserves a chance to explain what happened and apologize for hurting your feelings. Maybe she won’t respond the way you think and then you’ll be able to take your friendship from there. Or maybe she’ll come up with an explanation you never even thought of.
Post # 4
Thanks ES123..I don’t know why this situation has turned me into a total chicken!
I’m usually very straight forward and so is my friend but is like she turned out to be someone different. A lying, control freak. Being a control freak I can take…she’s always being a bit like that but the lies I can’t. She blamed her Fiance for decisions she made herself so that I would go along with it without knowing.
I hinted to my mom about getting a new Maid/Matron of Honor and she freaked. "Rude" to take back the title and my parents do love eating at her family restaurant. Argh! Wish me luck!
Post # 5
I’m sorry V. Unfortunately I had a very similiar situation. Sadly, I am no longer friends with the bride who was my best friend. I have learned that during each stage of your life, each friend has to make it to the next level with you…. high school friends transition to college friends, college friends to adult friends and then to married friends. At each stage of life there are different stresses that can bring out the positive and negatives in a persons personality. If she is a selfish liar, like she sounds to be, I would either call her out or move on. I know its hard to get the balls to confront your friend, but do you really want a 40 year old friend who acts like this? What if your kids get in trouble together one day and she blames you? If she can cut it as an adult friend, you are better off knowing now.
Post # 6
Weddings can be sooo stressful! My suggestion is honesty. Try to tell her that although she may not have intended to make you feel a certain way… that X and Y bothered you. Being honest about feelings can’t be right or wrong, b/c those are just your feelings. And even though she may not intend to hurt you or be inconsiderate… if she left you feeling that way, you should let her know. What she does with that information is up to her, but honesty – albeit can be brutal and hurtful – is probably the best way to go. I always tell my FH when we have disagreements "you may not have intended to do X, but it left me feeling Y…" Everyone is different, and feelings are different, so what is nothing to her, could be somethign to you… and i think its probably best to acknowledge that!
Post # 7
V, this sounds awful for you! I’m sorry you have to deal with it!
Do you know if the other bridesmaids feel the same way you do? Perhaps you would have the courage to confront your friend if you had backup? Or maybe they know something about the tension between you two that you are unaware of.
Confrontation doesn’t have to be "what’s your problem?!". If you word it in a way that conveys concern for your relationship, a desire to repair it, and intentions to move on as friends, maybe she would take a que from you acting as a friend and start acting like one herself again. And you might be surprised when you find the underlying reason for her evasiveness and hostility- maybe it’s because of something you did but were totally unaware of. However, she may refuse to open up. In that case you can probably conclude that she has no desire to repair the friendship. And you probably don’t want that kind of person in your life- and most especially, tainting one of the most important memories you will have.
I would tell her that you want your wedding to be a happy day and that it would be difficult to enjoy it if you knew she was harboring ill feeling towards you. At this point, you can give her (and yourself) an out- tell her that while you would love for her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor as originally planned, your relationship has obviously changed and you don’t want her to have to fulfill the duties of an Maid/Matron of Honor if she does so out of obligation and not out of love. If she didn’t get it before, maybe at this point she will either bow out gracefully so you can replace her or she will realize how rotten she’s been and make amends.
Best of luck, V. I hope this story has a happy ending!
Post # 8
also- i don’t think it would be "rude" to revoke Maid/Matron of Honor duties from her. if she has such an issue with you, she would probably be relived. and to be honest, it would be rude of HER to impose her bad attitude on YOUR wedding day!
As for your parents enjoying a meal at her family’s restaurant: I would hope that her parents would understand that the argument is between YOU and their DAUGHTER, not between families. If not, is one less place to eat dinner REALLY a big deal?
seriously, good luck- and don’t let this stop you from being happy on your big day!
Post # 9
You should talk to her before you start thinking about giving her the boot. Hopefully whatever flew up her but will be talked about and hopefully resolved. I would feel the same way you do, and you should let her know how you feel. But I also agree with jyam it is not rude to revoke!