(Closed) Feeling very insecure and jealous after bachelor party

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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milabeehappy: I chalk it up to the faux sexual revolution. Thinking back to the 90s/2000s when there was all that awful, raunch culture crap. Where basically porn aesthetic and behavior went mainstream. I came of age during all that. I remember doing stupid, self-esteem-damaging stuff to look cool and sexy. I was so feminist but the hardest rule to challenge was “Be sexy above all else.” The worst thing you could be back in the day was a “slut”. Now it’s a “prude” (and also a “slut,” haha). Seems like the only acceptable sexually “free” beahavior is macho, emotionless approaches to sex. At the end of my drinking career, I was going to full nude strip clubs ALONE. They weren’t traumatizing or anything, but I don’t understand all these women who find them so fun, especially with their BFs. I would watch the girls that came with guys and most of them (save the cool middle aged ladies) would get a sour and/or upset look on their face when they realized the dudes they were with were completely ignoring them.

Post # 47
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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Syzygy88:  for me it’s a look but don’t touch thing. I don’t care if my DH looks at other women but if he had sex with another woman then he’d be out the door.

Post # 48
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

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Syzygy88:  thank you for this. I feel less alone now! I’ve never understood the distinction either. Pretty much the only explanation that makes sense as an answer to your question is “because society says so”. 

Post # 49
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I would be hurt too, but I would also respect his honesty about the whole situation. I think the two of you need to discuss your feelings openly about this, there’s no wrong or right.

Post # 50
Member
4106 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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OceanCG:  Advice? Get over this fast. First, you push your DH into going on this trip in the first place. Then you told your DH to “go crazy at a strip club” and he did. Now you’re freaking out about it because he went to a strip club (with your permission).  I give him and the strength of your relationship a lot of credit that he came to you and was truthful about what happened. There are so many stories where men lie for a number of reasons, so instead of feeling jealous and insecure, you should feel strengthened that your husband feels he can tell you anything. And as far the “prositutes & single thing”–is your DH single? No? Then what is the problem? What do you care what your husband would do in this weird, alternate universe where he is single again? 

Like I said, you need to move on from this incident. Have an honest conversation with your DH that you did not realize fully what would happen at a strip club and you shouldn’t have encouraged him to go. Tell him that you are no longer comfortable with him going. As for the prositution comment–don’t even bring that up, just get over it.

Going forward, stop telling your DH to go for something that you are then going to have a freak out about. Look at it from his perspective: My wife not only is okay with me going to Vegas and a strip club, but she pushes me towards going and tells me to “go wild.” I go, enjoy myself, and then upon returning home and telling her what happened (presumably so there wouldn’t be any accusations and hurt feelings later) there are now accusations and hurt feelings and now my wife is upset that I went to a strip club and she’s upset that other men went to a brothel, something I probably had no control over, but absolutely did not participate in myself. And now because of this she is starting to doubt how “good of a guy” I am and is calling into question a multitude of other things. <— I’m sure this will be a hoot for your husband.

Post # 51
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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EllyAnne:  There is plenty of touching during a lapdance. Just because he isn’t using his hands (which is debatable at some venues) doesn’t mean they aren’t touching.

Post # 52
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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scissorgirl:  Yes I know.  It’s just different to me than paying for sex but each to their own.

Post # 53
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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EllyAnne:  Fair enough. I guess I don’t understand the difference (as the point of the question you were answering). Touching boobs =/= cheating but touching clit = cheating? Licking nipple =/= cheating but licking clit = cheating?

Post # 54
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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scissorgirl:  I guess I’m thinking more about where my friend worked but men definitely weren’t allowed to touch her. She was offered thousands for sex/to be an escort but she saw her job as stripping naked for mainly crowds of men and some women. As I said I would be happy for DH to go to a strip club with his friends but if he told me he had had sex with another woman, whether there was an emotional connection or not, I wouldn’t want to stay with him. I see sex as a very intimate act. 

Post # 55
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

To be perfectly honest, I’d be more worried about my Fiance having close female friends than going to a strip club. At a strip club he’s going to see some women he might find attractive (and let’s be honest, not all of them would be his type) and might get a suggestive dance, there might be some grinding, but in the reputable places the men do not touch the dancers and are thrown out by security if they do. With a close female friend he’s got an emotional connection, someone he can confide in, which is way more worrying to me than three minutes of grinding performed by a woman doing her job. It’s not like she’s doing it because she thinks he’s so super attractive and can’t control herself.

Having said that, if YOU find it unacceptable all you can do is clearly communicate that to your DH. It sounds like he was totally honest with you and is willing to respect your ‘no’ rule (it’s encouraging that he sounds completely unimpressed with the guy who cheated on his wife with a prostitute, because I agree, what a dick).

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