(Closed) Feeling very shut out :(

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
1248 posts
Bumble bee

I’m a bit confused here. Why must he act single when he is away from you? I don’t understand this and I really don’t understand how you’ve been living that way for 2 years! Is it a cultural or relgious thing? I mean to offense it just seems very very odd and disrespectful to me to pretend he’s single…?

Does his family know you two are even engaged?!

I feel really bad for you right now, sorry you have to go through with this. It ALMOST sounds as if he is leading a double life. You are never allowed to travel to his home town. You cannot go out with his friends. You can’t attend his cousins wedding….weird! I may be watching too many LifeTime movies but no matter what, this isn’t right.

I’m not one to tell people to leave their SO’s at the first sign of trouble, but to me, this post had so many red flags I’m surprised you are still with him. Heck, I’m surprised you still talk to him!

Good luck with all of this! Poor thing it looks as though you really might need it!


Post # 19
3282 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1993

Your Fiance needs to go to his parents and take his cajones back. To treat you like this is ridiculous. He had better show EXTREME change before you say I do. If he doesn’t – you walk. You DO NOT want to spend your life fighting your in-laws for your husband.

Post # 20
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@shutout: My husband did not want to move in with me for a long time. His dad is a pastor and well…you get the drift.

BUT he did. We moved in right after we got engaged and lived in SIN (oh my gosh) for 9 months. Did his parents like it? Nope not one bit, they cried when we moved in. Did they treat us or me like shit….NOPE….They had there words they said it once and they moved on…they probably prayed for us everynight and criied themselves to sleep…i know friends of ours went over there one day and cried aboit…but whatever. What i am trying to say is the only thing worse then you guys living together before you are married is the way his parents are treating you guys.

If he can MOVE in with you then he should be able to BE with you.

Post # 21
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your Fiance may have been brought up this way,but hes now a grown adult and surely can make his own decisions,and if my DH before we were married said he was single,you wouldnt see me for dust. Compleely unnacceptable,your Fiance is a big boy now,should be able to make his own judgements and decisions and in NO way should be denying you,he should be defending you.

Post # 23
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and venture to guess that things will NOT change once you get married.

Something is terribly wrong, and it doesn’t help that now communication leaves him ignoring you for bed while you cry.

It’ not your fault and no this is not right.

Post # 25
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@shoutout: Forgive me if these is rude. But… What kind of religion is it? I mean.. Really? If they are religious, they woud do just like Baileyh said.. They would say what they want & move on. Forgive & Forget. If they are “family” they need to be a little more supportive of their son AND YOU! 

Thats ridiculous that you haven’t even met his friends! It just seems so weird to me. And it’s even weirder that your SO goes along with it. He needs to get over what his family think because if he really wants to marry you then YOU.. SHOULD be the ONLY thing that matters to him! 

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. 

I would just show up to his cousins wedding just to start something & be like… YEAH.. We are engaged! 

Post # 26
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

this is not normal or healthy in any way… your fiance is showing you appalling disrespect and there is NO excuse for it. Not the way he was brought up, not being afraid to alienate his family, nothing. I know you say it will change once you are married, but what his behavior right now says to me is that he will always place his family’s wishes above yours, and that’s a hellish way for a marriage to be. You deserve MUCH better than for your fiance to be complicit in pretending you do not exist.

Post # 28
3282 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1993

@shutout: This is how I feel, that I’m fighting them for him. And when he keeps saying he’s stuck in the middle as he is getting “bitching” from both sides it hurts me. Why is he not fighting for me?

He should not be ‘in the middle’. He should be on YOUR side. He needs to stand up to them, plain and simple. They might stop harassing you about living together once you’re married – but I bet they’ll still hold it against you or they’ll decide they don’t like how you cook for him, how often you visit, how many kids you have, how you raise them and on and on and on.

Post # 29
39 posts
  • Wedding: August 2012

My initial thoughts are: is he an only child and/or only male child, or baby of the family? I wonder if, beyond the religion aspect, they’re concerned about “losing” a child (as clearly untrue that might be). Sometimes the family structure influences how the family reacts to an “outsider”. I’m also curious what you plan to do if things do not change during the marriage? It may be worth having a discussion with your Fiance regarding how you feel, how you expect things to change once you are married, and what you will do if things do not change–all the while letting him know that you love him and have thus stuck by him these past couple years, but that there are two people in the relationship and both need to be happy/respected/etc. in order for the relationship to continue.

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