(Closed) Feeling very shut out :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@kissme_cait: Ok sorry. I guess I misunderstood. 

Post # 108
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Lemma, I worded it badly. So no worries 🙂

OP, I am worried for you and your situation, and I wish you the best. Please have the strength to investigate this beyond your SO’s words, and, if you stay, I hope that you are able to stand up to him and his family in the future. I also have a difficult time being assertive, so I know it’s hard, but you deserve to be treated well regardless of what his family or anyone else thinks of you.

Post # 109
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Its not about being strong or confident. Get some clothes together,and go to your moms house for a week. The key is to not think about it too much,if you do,you will start to argue with yourself and then feel guilty and then lose your confidence. Heck,just go over your moms for dinner and end up staying the night if you have to.

You need to look after yourself again,his family trying to treat you like you dont exist is probably what is knocking your self esteem and confidence.

Post # 110
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

OP: How much of this does your mom know?  How about dad? Brothers? Sisters? Friends?
Tell them.  We are just faceless internet people who do not know you, and If they know and they understand how unhappy you are, they can help you, and be an awesome support network.

I know its hard to leave, I stayed with an abusive ex because ” I loved him, and he loved me”, but when it boiled down to it, he did not love me, he loved the idea of me, and really could care less for the sad little person I was.  I did not think I was strong enough to leave and I told my mom everything. Oh, she was mad, and disapointed and not very proud of some of my decisisons, but between her and now-Fi they pulled me out of the mire.

My self esteem at that time was crushed ( hence now the sporatic rage that i get when i hear about others being niglected) and it was olny after I left I was able to be ME again, and find someone who made me truely happy. After a while you get so full of resentment and numb that it becomes when you do have a happy moment, either you cling to it as a  ” yes! He loves me, it is worth it!” or  you don’t even recoginse what happy is any more. My mom and FI  pulled me Kicking and Screaming out of that relationship. and it was a GOOD thing.

 

I tell you this, because it seems like you are NOT happy, you KNOW that this is wrong, but it seems like you have become accepting of it as a norm and while you don’t like it, you continue to let it escalate.

Find your support network, if you do not have your own backbone yet, find someone who will be it for you.  Tell him that you are moving in with mom for a few days  to figure out what is GOOD FOR YOU.

Don’t be swayed by the  I love yous and all the other nonsence.  Usally. I am all for compromise, but this i think has gone on too far.

This is just what i think and I am sorry if its off base.

Post # 111
Member
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@shutout: It says a lot about how afraid you are, too….

Post # 112
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

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@shutout: “I think I am going to try to muster every strength I have and try to stand up to these people but I am not a strong person.”

Then you need to make YOU the priority right now. Leave… take some time apart so you can focus on becoming the stronger person that you want to be. After you’ve given yourself some time, maybe you’ll feel like you still want to be with him… but at least you’ll be able to stand up for yourself and to his family.

But, after spending that time focusing on yourself and what you really want for your life… you may be able to look at this from a different perspective. Maybe that time away, getting stronger, you’ll come to realize you don’t want this after all.

When it comes down to it… this isn’t about him, his family, or his religion. It’s about you. Are you the person you want to be right now? Are you making positive steps toward becoming that person? Is the man in your life SUPPORTING and ENCOURAGING you to become the person you want to be?

Post # 113
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have nothing more to add than get out of there quickly, OP! 

This sounds super scary. Even when you’re allowed to “exist” after you get married (I can’t believe I’m typing something like this), you’re existing in their little weirdo world! Can you imagine dealing with this for your whole life? For a man who either doesn’t love you enough to stand up to his parents, or is actually believing in this “religion”? 

I can’t even find anything else to say. Just please leave.

Post # 114
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I agree with JJmomma, Kimbo98, NC girl, and Maymorganite.

Post # 115
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Please take the advices that everyone had given you!  I really really really wish that you would seriously considered them…but somehow I have this dreadful feeling that you will end up marrying this guy and into this family and things will only get worst (I don’t even know you and i’m worried for you and your future happiness!) 🙁  For your sake, I hope that marriage license works magic.

For what it’s worth, I wish you the best, but if YOU yourself don’t do anything about it, there is not much anyone else (the bees, your family and friends) can do about it.  My best wishes (I prayed for you too) for you for a happy and “normal” future. 🙂

Post # 116
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Please leave. You MUST leave. It will be incredibly hard at first, but you will eventually feel so, SO much better in every way!

Post # 117
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Dear

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@shutout:  Please find someone to help you.  We don’t want you to be subjected to life like this.  You deserve someone who will proudly treat you as his wife-not someone (and their family) who won’t acknowledge your existence to others.  I hope that we did not “scare” you off, but I hope that we helped you be strong within yourself-so that you can seek the help you need from those who you are closest to in RL.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  You deserve happiness.

Post # 118
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I am with the PPs. I really hope you can find support in your family. This is not right in any way shape or form. It is absolutely scary. I pray you find the strength to leave. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and from the sound of things, it will only get worse. Get out while you still can.

Post # 119
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

If you make the decision to get away, you don’t have to stand up to anyone right now.
All you have to do is pack a bag and go stay with a friend or a family member. Tell them what is happening and ask for their help in getting away from the situation. I will bet you anything that they will help you in the strength/standing up department until you’re able to do it for yourself. Packing a bag is easier said than done, but it’s the right thing to do and you can do it. You have to take care of yourself.

Post # 120
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@hotchildinthecity: OMG yes.

OP, I know you say this isn’t a cult, but if everything you’ve said is true, it is. It doesn’t matter whether or not they call themselves by the name of a recognized religion. Just because they say they come from a recognized religion does not mean that their beliefs and actions follow those of the religion. Here are basic elements of cults, that you’ve brought up about this community:

1. You can’t go visit the hometown.

2. The community threatens to hurt people who don’t abide by their rules.

3. You are scared to talk about this.

4. Any legitimate religion would be open about their rules and be able to explain them clearly.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this; it sounds awful. It doesn’t sound like your fiance is ready to remove himself from this religion/cult, and you deserve much more than this. Please recognize your worth and break things off with him.

Post # 121
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

You say that you “don’t think” your husband wants to continue on in this lifestyle but clearly he still cares for his family very deeply, to the point of choosing them over you.

I agree with what Jennifer says, that if they can make you not exist now only bad can come in the future. I mean REALLY bad. Get out. Run. Things will not change once you are married, they will only get worse and they will only try to control you more.

Also, it sounds like his parents are aware of you as you’ve spoken with his dad. The fact that he can treat another human being his own son loves that way . . . and then force his son to pretend like you don’t exist . . . is beyond sick. You’re too close to it to see it but you need to get away. I’m, like, actually scared for you. I’m scared that you’re even nervous to write about it anonymously on here. Please get out as soon as you possibly can. Without your fiance.

The topic ‘Feeling very shut out :(’ is closed to new replies.

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