- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
I’ve been having a hard time financially lately and have even had to apply to a program to get assistance with my rent. This has happened not so much because of a lack of available work/opportunities to make money, but I think it’s mainly because I’ve been really depresed lately so I just haven’t been able to work as much as usual lately. I’ve been back on antidepressants for a few months now, yet I still cry every single day. (Usually I’ll be fine or even happy during the day but then it seems like late in the evening or late at night I always end up crying). I’ve also been seeing a counselor for several months now which I think has been really helpful in alot of ways, yet I’m still feeling really depressed. I have an appt. to go to see my doctor at the end of this month, and I’m going to ask him if he should maybe switch me to a different antidepressant since this one doesn’t seem to be working too well.
I know this may make me sound “weak” or like a loser, but I think one of the biggest things that has me so unhappy lately is the lack of progress in my relationship with my Boyfriend or Best Friend. (Although there are a few other things in my life that are making me feel depressed too, so Boyfriend or Best Friend isn’t the ONLY cause of my depression). Our 3 year dating anniversary is coming right up at the end of May. I remember when last May I was hoping so bad he’d propose by our two year anniversary and then when it didn’t happen I was so sad. So, now I feel like I’m going to be super disappointed if it doesn’t happen by our 3rd anniversary, mostly I guess because I just feel like how in love with me can he be if he needs more than 3 years to decide whether or not he wants to marry me? He’s been telling me for at least a few months now that we’ll get engaged soon. However, he’s now saying that there is going to be NO progress (not even moving in together) unless the b*tching stops). Right now we’re in a “long” distance relationship and live about an hour and 15 minutes away from each other. I will admit that I probably have been b*tching too much lately asking alot of where is this going I really need to know type comments, so I can see why that would push him away instead of making him feel closer to me. But, I can it’s hard for me to just shut up about the whole thing and let “nature” take it’s course because I’m feeling so much anxiety about not knowing what’s going to happen with us. We broke up last summer for awhile because of the exact same sort of thing with him feeling annoyed because in his mind I wouldn’t stop “b*tching” about wanting to get engaged”. However, once I stopped talking to him after our break up he cried and begged for me to go back out with him and promised we’d be engaged by the end of the year. Now that it’s been so many months later and we’re still not engaged, it’s like I’m feeling more and more anxious as the months go by that maybe he really is just stringing me along and has no intention of ever marrying me. He insists that’s not the case though. He says now that he’s basically just waiting for me to stop b*tching because he says we need to be getting along better with very little arguing before getting engaged (or even living together). Also, from things he’s said it seems like he’d really like to see me get more financially stable first. While a big part of me can understand that, it makes me a little sad too because I feel like he’s taking all the romance out of getting engaged and viewing marriage as more of almost a business transaction. However, I do understand that men want to know that a woman can bring more to the table than just being pretty, etc.
This program that will offer me assistance with my rent will be a huge blessing in some ways, but in other ways its causing me major stress right now. The people at this office want me to let them know if I plan on moving at all this summer and if so they need to know precisely WHEN. I told them although I definitely didn’t have any concrete plans for this yet, that my daughter and I might be moving in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend sometime this summer. So, they said to talk things over with him and get back to them by May 15th to let them know if and when we’re going to be moving in with him this summer. In order for them to help me out my rent, they said I need to agree to stay there at least through June 30th. However, they said that if I get back to them by May 15th and let them know that my daughter and I want to move in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend this summer, that we can move either June 30th, July 30th or Aug. 30th. So, her lies the dilemma. I talked it over with my Boyfriend or Best Friend and was very hurt that he doesn’t seem to want to give me a straight answer about whether or not I should tell this place that we’re going to move in with him this summer. He finally admitted that he needs more time to think about it. So, I’m feeling really sad because here I was thinking/hoping we’d get engaged soon, and apparently he needs time to decide whether or not he even wants us to move in with him anytime soon!
It’s causing me major anxiety knowing that I might not get a final decision from my Boyfriend or Best Friend until like the last minute, and I don’t relish the idea of being totally stressed out about that for the next several days! Also, he knows that I’ve told him that although I’m not 100% opposed to living together without being engaged first that that is what I’d definitely prefer, and unfortunately I don’t really forsee us getting engaged by the time I need to let this place know our decision (May 15th). So, first of all, assuming my BF DOESN”T propose by May 15th, what should I do? There’s a chance he might say to go ahead and tell them that I’m going to move in with him sometime this summer, but what if he says that and we’re still just dating and not engaged yet? Then I guess I’ll have to decide if I feel comfortable taking the risk of moving my daughter and I in with him even though there’s a chance that things may never progress to engagement/marriage and then we end up breaking up and having to move out. So, I’m thinking even though I’m really sick and tired of the whole long distance thing and he says he is too, that if we’re not engaged by the 15th maybe I should just automatically tell my BF and the rental assistance place that we’ll stay through the end of August? Then, if by some chance my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I actually do get engaged at some point over the summer, we’ll only need to be engaged long distance for like three months max and then we could move in together. Even though he doesn’t really come right out and say it, I think my Boyfriend or Best Friend would maybe prefer living together first, however I just have this gut feeling that it would be a really bad idea. He said tonight that obviously I don’t think just living together is good enough so I guess we’d have to get engaged first. Not exactly what I was hoping to hear since the tone of voice he used made it sound almost like he feels a little resentful that I wouldn’t be totally thrilled just to have my daughter and I move in with him while we’re still just dating. Do YOU guys think that after 3 years of dating, my daughter and I should move in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend without us being engaged first?? I’m sure there will be a variety of different opinions about this, and I’d love to hear what everyone has to say about that. Some say that it shouldn’t really matter because for one thing even engaged couples or even married couples break up all the time, so just being engaged first supposedly shouldn’t make me feel more secure in the relationship. However, I definitely would like to have another child someday and I think it would be just awful if we move in and then break up after I had already invested 3+ years into the relationship. Plus, I think if we move in with him, my daughter will be spending much more time with him than usual and I’m sure she’ll will grow more attached to him, and I worry that it would be hard on her if we broke up. (She is 12 years old and her bio dad is a huge part of her life so she probably wouldn’t be as devastated if SO and I break up then if she didn’t already have a dad, but I imagine it would still be upsetting to her). Again, I realize engagement is no gurantee that the relationship will last. However, I still think that it shows a bigger commitment to the relationship than just dating and I think my daughter and I would probably both feel more comfortable moving in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend and if he and I were engaged first and had definite plans to get married in a reasonable time frame.
Also, another problem is that my Boyfriend or Best Friend says that due to the financial problems I’ve been having lately, he’s worried that if we live together that he might end up having to pay all or most of my bills. I’ve tried to assure him that won’t be a problem, but I guess he is understandably a bit skeptical about that. What’s really frustrating though is that I’ve tried to explain that a big reason I’ve fallen behind on my bills lately is because I’ve been feeling really depressed and alot of that is because I’m just having a hard time coping with the whole been together 3 years, still not engaged and still just dating long distance thing. I’ve told him that if we were engaged and living together the depression thing would be much, much better since us NOT being engaged and living together is the main reason for my depression lately. However, he just doesn’t seem to get it and acts as though he is now questioning my work ethic. (He is extremely hard working which is something I’ve always admired about him, and I suspect he wants that trait in whoever he marries). What’s so frustrating though is that I naturally AM really hard working, but when I’m feeling really depressed like this, it’s hard to function properly.
Another thing that totally stress me out about this whole moving vs. not moving this summer situation is my daughter’s education. She is currently home schooled, and I’m thinking about possibly putting her in public school next fall. However, it’s very frustrating because who knows when my Boyfriend or Best Friend will decide if/when he wants us to move in with him and whether or not that will happen before the end of this summer? IF I’m going to put her in public school this fall, I do NOT want to have the stress of not knowing all summer if/when we’re going to be moving in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend before school starts. I’d like to be able to tell her well in advance all about the new school she’ll be going to, and I can’t exactly do that if/when my Boyfriend or Best Friend still hasn’t decide whether or not he wants us to move in with him so I can figure out if she’d be going to school in our current city or in his city.
Yet another thing that adds stress to this whole situation is that I mentioned to my Boyfriend or Best Friend that I applied for a job in my city and he said that he’d like me to apply for jobs in his city too. I don’t mind doing that. However, I told him I don’t really see the point in applying for jobs in his city unless and until I know for sure that he definitely wants us to move in with him since I’d obviously have to let the new employer know what date I could start working for them. It’s not like I can just say well, I’m still waiting to hear about whether or not my boyfriend wants us to move in with him sometime this summer so I have no idea when or even if I’m moving up there, but I’ll keep you posted. I currently work from home. However, part of the reason I’ve been starting to look for a job outside of the home is that I need to make more money and it can be somewhat difficult to find a great paying work at home job. However, if I was able to find a work at home job that pays alot more than I’m currently making then I would maybe choose to continue working from home instead.
Sorry for all my rambling about this, but any thoughts/input would be much appreciated…