- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
@Miss Mochaccino: I can somewhat understand how some posters found the way to connect it to incest, and of course I don’t know you, your DH or his sister so I can only speculate based on what you’ve posted.
I don’t think you actually mean betrayal by your DH in an incestial way, I think you are simply on guard and edge in general when it comes to this woman. You mention how unopen she was towards your relationship and how her interactions between your DH and her had caused numerous fights, possibly to the point where there was a chance or the relationship ending.
I think you will always be on edge about your SIL, because she was coming between you 2 earlier on. I think that is why you are feeling betrayed. Your DH and you worked things out and he proved he would put your relationship and marriage first. Then you come across this card and start to wonder if he kept something so innocent like this from you, what else is he hiding from you about their relationship? And started questioning if he really is putting your marriage first or if he’s just pretending.
I agree this bond they have seems quite strange to me, I am very close with my sister, less so with my brother. Fiance is also quite close with his sister that lives here, less so with his eldest sister, but neither of us have ever had our siblings outright mistreat our SO’s. FI’s sister has always been nothing but warm and welcoming to me as has my sister to him. Our siblings want us to be happy, and have shown to always be willing to put in the effort with someone that makes us happy.
OMG, are you married to my ex boyfriend? Actually, his sister was 28 when we broke up 8 years ago, so this is probably not her. But otherwise it sounds exactly the same. I never found any cards from her, but she definitely despised any girl her brother was dating, lived at home at 28, and was extremely socially awkward. She read all the time, extremely high brow books, and mostly called anyone who wasn’t in the family a “brain dead amateur”. This is the kind of girl who would probably claim Walden as her favorite book- unless having an American author as your favorite was too pedestrian.
Anyways, her brother wasn’t much better, so the relationship didn’t last long, and I know she did a happy dance when we broke up. I remember being so mad at her because boyfriend and I broke up twice, and the second time he took it really really hard. Anyways, I absolutely did not want to be with him, but it kind of broke my heart to see him so upset. Anyways, that night I called him to make sure he was okay (boyfriend had a history of depression) and he took my call and told me he was fine. Months later, when we were back on speaking terms, he told me that his sister had been in the room when I called, and as soon as he hung up, she railed about how I was clearly calling to “rub it in” that I had broken up with him and what a bitch I was (granted, calling him may not have been the best thing to do, but I was genuinely worried about him and I was 20 and my heart was in the right place).
I don’t really have any advice for you- in my situation I found the whole family creepy and got out as soon as I could.
I would try not to let this letter bother you. If she knew she had gotten under your skin, she would probably enjoy that. Feel sorry for a woman who’s only real intimacy is with a sibling.
@Miss Mochaccino: I totally understand your discomfort. My ex’s younger sister was extremely jealous of me for some reason. Whenever we went out she would tag on, and then make the trip all about her. She would pinch my ex on his arm or run her nails along his back and talk to him in a weird baby voice, which used to piss him off to no end. She was quite horrible to me in other ways too, and once wrote an extremely rude e-mail. When my ex saw that e-mail and was informed of my decision that I won’t speak to her again, he actually asked me to let it slide because she’s “just a kid” (bloody hell, she was 26). They share an apartment and she used to make a lot of song and dance about how if I married ex I would kick her out of the house (I never said any such thing). She also used to get mad if I slept with her brother and deliberately made a lot of tantrums in order to get his attention. I don’t know whether she had incest on her mind or if she was simply acting like a spoilt brat, but it did make life a lot more difficult for me.
That is a little weird, maybe she’s just an extremely awkward person?
I’m pretty much best friends with my brother. We talk on the phone often, He texts me for random shit all the time, and it’s not unusual for my husband to see us on the big fold out couch in my parent’s attic eating popcorn and watching Game of Thrones. But I wouldn’t send him some cuddle card, that is… odd.
Close sibling relationships are fantastic, so many families are torn apart when people don’t get along. But you don’t want your siblings to be your only source for friends or companionship. I don’t know what kind of advice to offer, but I would be weirded out as well.
I do not have a meaningful relationship with my Future Sister-In-Law which I’ve talked about in OP. The fact that your SIL sent that card to your DH is just a confirmation of what you already know.
I’d ask your significant other about the card, but do it in a way like saying “Oh hey I found this cute card!” and laugh over the “open discreetly” as if it was a joke. Because that’s probably what it is. Depending on when he got it, he might have been around his friends or some other folks (not you) that would laugh at him for opening a card with cutesy animals in it.
While close family relationships are great, it is sad to see MILs/SILs who are really possessive of their sons/brothers as adults. Try not to be too hard on the teens, they are probably just awkward/stupid and really just want to spend time with their brother. (I was one of these annoying little sisters.) Adults should know better about how different relationships work and be more mellow.
eta: Read through the posts and your second update: I think the jump to incest is much too far and that it seems she’s a lonely (and slightly controlling) person. Talk to your husband and get over the card. He couldn’t control what he got, but he might be able to limit that kind of thing in the future.
@Miss Mochaccino: I know this is really late, but I couldn’t help but comment. I get your concern. My DH and his sister are close, which I have no issue with. However, when DH and I got engaged, she would complain that she was ‘losing him’ to me and things like that. To sum it up, their relationship is just plain weird and sometimes creepy.
For example, she calls him and recounts (in graphic detail) her sexual encounters. Who the fuck does that? You have friends, so tell them if you really feel the need to share. Then, she is constantly calling and asking him to take her places though she has a license, working car, etc. Seriously, the grocery store is two minutes from your house, drive yourself. Their mother is a complete enabler, too (though I love her and we have a good relationship). SIL has no job and spends the money she has on weed while her mom pays all of her rent and bills. (I have no issue with people smoking – I have an issue with people who smoke and don’t pay their own bills). There have even been times she’s asked DH and I for money. Ugh.
Then, she is constantly “sick,” yet refuses to see a doctor. Whenever she is, DH has to drop everything and go and buy and bring her cough medicine, soup, etc. This happens almost every week. So, you’d think that someone who was always sick would have a stockpile of over-the-counter medications. I mean, I have aspirin, cough medicines, a first aid kit, etc. just in case. Then, Mother-In-Law will call and tell DH to go and check on her because she’s not answering her phone. And God forbid she does something by herself. I don’t know why you need your brother AND mom to go to the DMV with you? She’s 23 and it’s like she’s 12.
I don’t mean to sound cold, but I feel like we’d be able to have a couple of extra date nights a month with all of the money/gas he uses on her. Also, she sometimes asks us to go and get her fastfood just because she’s high or doesn’t feel like driving. (She doesn’t cook because she claims she “can’t,” though I’ve offered to show her a few simple crockpot recipes and she declined). She makes me crazy.
His family has been a source of most of our past arguments, but now I just let things go. He has better boundaries than he did, though you’d never know it by how things are.
New to this site, and late to this conversation, but I, too, share anxieties about my DH’s relationship with his sister. The family — Mother-In-Law, Father-In-Law, DH, his two sisters and brother — is inordinately close (although the brother is less of a presence). The sisters live in the same city, and the parents live in a suburb just outside it. (By contrast, my mother, brother and sister live a few states away.)
We see the family very often, several times a month. One of DH’s sisters in particular is a constant in our lives. This sister is 3 years older than he is, and since they were kids, they’ve been very close, almost like twins. When my husband moved to the city, they lived together for a time, and he was absorbed by her friend group. Many of her friends became his best buds (some of them were in our wedding). I didn’t know DH back then, but I get the sense that he and his sister were a unit — almost like a couple — for many years.
She’s always been incredibly nice to me, and we have a good rapport. But there is a clinginess, an odd dynamic between her and DH, that gets to me. Before we got married, she asked me to go to drinks, which was very kind. But after two cocktails she got weepy, talking about how much she loves DH and how special he is. I assured her that I knew how wonderful he is and that I loved him completely, as much as anyone can love the person they’re going to marry. But something about the way she was acting — like she was despairing, or grieving — set off alarm bells in my head.
They constantly text about this or that; they try to hang every week or so lately, it seems. Often, when I join them, I feel as if I’m interloping. They share inside jokes and similar preferences; they love the same music, the same art. DH enjoys going to concerts — but seems to prefer seeing shows with SIL. We once went to big venue for a show by an old act the three of us love, and DH seemed agitated when SIL had a ticket elsewhere and couldn’t sit with us. It triggered a tension between me and DH that lasted throughout the entire performance.
They’re unusually physically affectionate…occasionally DH will pat SIL on the tush, or vice versa. Once, he told me, when he was 6 or 7 (and she was 9 or 10), she asked him to “practice kissing with her.” I know kids experiment when they’re young and don’t know what they’re doing, that this is normal. I have no reason to believe it happened again. Still, the knowledge gnaws at me. DH reveres her to the extreme, seems almost enchanted by her artistic talents (she paints, sings). He’s often remarked that she’s a “good-looking girl.” SIL has no interest in working (DH often says this nonchalantly, without criticism, when talking about her with mutual friends); she happened to have married a very wealthy man, so she’ll never have to. If she were someone else, DH might have more to say. With her, though, the rose-colored glasses always seem to be on.
SIL’s wealthy husband is not around very often. From what I know of him, he doesn’t seem very emotionally available. They are incredibly different people; most of our friends don’t know what to make of the relationship. Sometimes I wonder whether, consciously or not, she settled down with a person who would allow her to postpone adulthood indefinitely (no need to pay her own bills, no need to part from her family/become a truly independent person) — and would also allow her to continue leaning on her brother, to fulfill her emotional needs. (Though, in fairness, she’s also very close to her mom and my other SIL.)
I just wonder whether she’d be in touch with DH as much if her husband were effectively fulfilling those emotional needs.
I’m working on not being petty, jealous or insecure. I don’t always do a good job of that, and it’s an ongoing endeavor. But I can’t help sometimes feeling that this sibling relationship, emotionally, trumps all for DH. That our relationship, while very strong, somehow pales. And that can be painful. So generally, I try to push the thought out of my mind.
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