(Closed) Feelings about premarital sex!

posted 5 years ago in Christian
Post # 16
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee

Yes it will take time. Our hearts like to condemn themselves, even after repentance and God’s forgiveness. The best thing for that is a good Bible study routine and lots of prayer/meditation. Think of people in the Bible who sinned and asked for forgiveness, and received it. Two examples off the top of my head are David and Manasseh. 

David- slept with a married woman and on top of that, got her husband killed (by sending him to the front lines of battle- a basic guarantee of death) when he found out she was pregnant. Kept his sin “hidden” [obviously not really, as God knew, but he didn’t confess it] and it took Nathan coming and telling him what he had done before David repented. He suffered some huge consequences but did receive forgiveness. Read Psalm 32.

Manasseh- committed idolatry for years, even sacrificed his sons over fire, and put an idol in God’s temple, but when he was taken prisoner to Babylon he finally repented and was forgiven. You can read that in 2 Chronicles 33. 

 

If God forgave them, he will forgive you if you’re truly repentant and trying your best to abide by what he tells us. What he teaches us is always for our benefit (Isaiah 48:17; 1 John 5:3)

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  califlorican.
Post # 17
Member
24 posts
Newbee

View original reply
Overjoyed:  While I understand that in a Christian context, premarital sex is a sin, I don’t see there being much help or support in churches for modern day Christians who are struggling with this.

Back in biblical times, women were married much younger. In today’s times, many women go to college, then do further post-grad studies, then want to climb the corporate ladder. The average age of first marriage is late 20s/early 30s in the western world. The age of puberty hasn’t changed. That means that instead of waiting 2-3 years, people are now waiting 15-20 years from onset of puberty to age of losing their virginity if they did not engage in premarital sex.

I don’t doubt that prayer can be effective, but sexual urges ARE biological. We wouldn’t just pray an appendicitis or heart attack away, we would seek medical attention and treatment. Should christians who are tempted to have pre-marital sex take medication to suppress their libido?

Even cohabitation is also largely considered a sin. I’ve been looking through a lot of internet resources (I don’t feel comfortable bringing this up with a pastor) and reasons why christians should not live together before marriage. Unfortunately, it was very poorly written. When it came to the point of saving on rent, the author had written something along the lines of “Don’t do it, just don’t. It’s not worth it.”

So my questions are based on practicality:

1. What should a christian couple do when they are struggling with finances, and work far from their parent’s home in terms of renting together? They could rent an apartment each, but it would cost them much more than if they were to live together.

2. What should a christian couple do when they have dated for many years, are feeling sexual urges, and not able to marry yet for financial reasons? I know you can have a registry wedding for just a few hundred dollars, so is this something every christian couple should consider? Or should they take something to suppress their sexual urges?

3. Christian couples who aren’t married are also urged not to holiday together. However, it is highly likely that when in a relationship for a few years, a couple will take a holiday. Should they sleep in separate hotel rooms, and once again pay more to keep up an appearance of not sinning?

 

Post # 18
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

Yeah I broke up with my ex, 20 and we dated since 16. He came to nyc for me from vancouver canada. We went to college but the realtionship ended up emotionally abusive. I ended it when he was drafted to mandatory korean military service. At first I regret it too, but It tought we were going to get married that is why I gave my first time to him. However, now I think back It was a good positive expereince. Everyone’s view on sex is different for me, a healthy sex life is almost as important as the emotional aspect of the realtionship. From my ex I gained alot of experiences that helped me in my marriage sex life. There is nothing much you can do sadly, but look at it as new learning experiences. 

My mom use to tell me , No matter what never marry a guy because you have a baby or had sex with him but rather because you want to spend the rest of your life with him everyday waking up to his face and changing his diapers when he gets old. No matter what we are human and we make mistakes, at the end of the day marriage is about happiness. Don’t stay together because of religious reasons but for your own happiness. ( I know alot of christians will not agree with me, Every church is differen’t and everyone is differen’t) It is just my PERSONAL opinions ( don’t attack me) 

I also lived with my ex for 2 years it was DURing the 2 years we lived together that i realized he was ABUSIVE. My neigbhour have called police once. If I listend to my church ( not saying they are wrong but in my case), I would have married an abusive husband and had a divorce or might not leave him because my pastor once told me I COULD NOT divorce. He actually told me I will go to HELL for divorce. … ….My ex also punched me in the stomch once during a fight. Since then I have chosen to LIVE with my boyfriends before making any big moves towards marriage or even consideration. Alot of guys are different when you date them vs when you live with them.  I lived with my husband for almost a year before he proposed, he is not a christian but is willing to convert. 

I am also guilty for choose and pick, but in all honesty, I am christian because I want to have a direct relationship with God. I thank him and appologizes or all the mistakes I make each night, but at the end of the day he just wants to see us happy. Don’t blindly listen to your church, you are a smart girl, the bibile is there you can read it your self and talk to God. I went to different churchs growing up each one tells me slightly different ideas. I take it as an adivce but apply it in my own way. God gave me a wonderful husband 🙂 I couldn’t ask for anything more. I am extremely greatful. I am sure yours will come too. 

Cheer up, It really sucks I understand, I am also a Christian, which made it worst for me. I thought I was going to hell for a while ( very immature). God forgives, I made a mistake but I honestly thought we were going to get married. He was also a christian too. If he wasn’t emotionally abusive, I would have stayed. I don’t think God wanted me to marry an abusive husband and drag my child into this. Then I am bind for marriage not divorce because my pastor told me I would go to hell for divorce. If i didn;t live with him I wouldn’t have known he was abusive. Nothing I could do, but look on the birght side at least there were no kids and you used proper birth control. 

God has plans for all of us 🙂 sometimes these plans could be come in a form of a vuable lesson. 

* hugs* it will get better 🙂 if it makes you feel better, most guys i met don’t care very much. 

Post # 19
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
rainandfire:  are these questions addressed to me? I’m glad to answer, just making sure.

Post # 20
Member
24 posts
Newbee

View original reply
Overjoyed:  you don’t need to if you don’t want to. You just seemed very spiritually mature and had a very insightful response

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  rainandfire.
Post # 21
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
rainandfire:  

I know that these questions were directed to overjoyed but as I’m in the situation in which they apply I figured I’d give you my two cents. Most of the answers rely heavily upon having a strong Christian community around you.

1. Not being able to afford an apartment on your own does not leave you with only the two options of love with parents or live with your SO before marriage. I live in a house of girls from school. My fiancé lives in a men’s discipleship house run by our church. A girl I knew lived in a room rented out by an elderly women who was basically her other grandmother.

2. Get your church involved again same girl I know and her now husband got married for very little because they got so much help from our church. She borrowed a dress, people from church did the cooking. The important part is being married before God. Having a ton of people there isn’t necessary. Beyond that if you have people you can go to and talk about things with and mentor you dealing with such urges is not as difficult.

3. Don’t go on vacations just the two of you. Go visit family, go with a group of like minded friends and have the guys and girls share rooms. Don’t allow for the temptation to be that great of being alone together away from accountability.

The issues aren’t as much spiritual as practical in nature and they have practical solutions.

Post # 22
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
rainandfire:  great questions. Commenting to follow. Also looking forward to overjoyed answers! 

Post # 23
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
Kacey23:  If you think of the prohibition against sex outside of marriage only in terms of denial and sacrifice, it is a tough edict to follow. Think of it instead as doing yourself a huge favor and not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by men. If you wait until marriage:

  • you will already be married to someone who cares about you if you accidentally get pregnant
  • you and your husband will be much better prepared to care for a unplanned baby and most likely you won’t be faced with the awful choice of deciding to abort, give a baby up for adoption, or become a single mom
  • you have a better chance of avoiding all the diseases that are spreading
  • you will actually have a period of courtship. That is a wonderful, under-rated phase where a man tries to win your heart and the two of you are not doing it yet
  • you will know that the man you are having sex with really does love you and is not just saying it to get you horizontal
  • you will not end up living with someone for years hoping that he may someday propose
  • you will not have sex on the third (or the first) date because he expects it and everyone does it

What is done is done. You still can make the choice to wait for that special one. There are Christian dating sites and eHarmony, etc.

Good luck.

Post # 24
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
rainandfire:  a lot of good questions, and I can’t really respond to all. But I will share a few thoughts. As far as age of marriage being delayed, that could be a two way street. All of the free sex that is available may be one reason that people wait so long to get married. We have now turned the 20s into an extended adolescence.

I teach at a college, and while I value education, I also wonder about how we have structured it. By the time the typical American is a college freshman, he or she has had 13+ years of school, and yet is being told that 4 more is necessary to amount to something. You cited biology. We did not evolve to sit in a classroom for 17 plus years. We force women to choose between a college education and starting a family or building a career. But who says everyone has to go to college right after high school or has to go full time? Why aren’t there more part-time professional options for women who want to balance work and motherhood?

Years ago, women were told that there was no way you could do both – if you pursued a career, you couldn’t be a wife and mother. Now we basically say you can’t do both – if become a wife or a mother early, you won’t be able to go to college or pursue a career.

 

Post # 25
Member
24 posts
Newbee

View original reply
shelbydinosaurgirl:  

It is very true that the answer can be found when you have a strong Christian community’s support. I can really see the importance now where I couldn’t before.

Unfortunately for me, I’m not in that position. I also see countless others who are struggling in the secular world.

Also I was interested to see what you thought my question on sexual urges and whether God would prefer us to take a medication to suppress them, vs give in to temptations when prayer alone isn’t able to stave it off.

The way I see it, as a Christian who believes sex is for marriage only, you cannot be for long courtships and you must promote young marriage.

This becomes a dilemma for me.

Situation A: What do I say to a fellow struggling Christian friend, who has dated her Christian boyfriend since they were 16, and are now 20, studying at college with debts to pay off, and still maturing as adults? Do we advocate for young people to marry while their frontal cortex is still not fully developed and while they struggle with student loans, studying and working?

Situation B: What do I say to a fellow Christian who is a 27 year old virgin, who has just found a suitable Christian partner and been dating for 9 months but feeling strong sexual urges? Should they marry now, while practically they are also paying off college debt and just establishing their careers, and just getting to know their partner (it’s only been 9 mths!)

And lastly, what constitutes as “sex”? From my understanding, anything leading to temptation is wrong, so that includes deep kissing, handjobs, oral etc which can feel “unnatural” in today’s world. It is almost unheard of to meet a couple who have dated for a few years who have not done any of those things. I don’t even think there is ONE Christian male who doesn’t watch porn.

Weddingbee may seem like a strange place to be asking questions such as these, but there is absolutely no way I could bring this up among my church or bible study group. I am so heartbroken to see the judgment around fellow struggling Christians. (side note: a friend who dated (and had sex with) a non-believer brought him to church and they were both turned away and told to never return for she had brought deep shame!)

View original reply
Carolsays:  You’ve touched on a really good point. I’m a doctor who had to spend 8 years in college! I can say that the percentage of Christian doctors is probably <10%. You will almost never meet a pro-life, anti-euthanasia doctor.

Back in biblical times, we never had to spend 17 years on our education. But we also had not made the advancements we have today. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there appeared to be clear male and female roles back then too. Women were never as well educated as men; their main task was to take care of the family by producing children and doing household chores (which are important!), while the men went out to work. And when they were widowed, they were basically helpless as there would be no source of income.

Most of the Christians I knew finished high school, and settled down very quickly after, almost mirroring biblical times. It would be interesting to see if the % of Christians diminished as you look at higher education.

Meanwhile, atheists are climbing the corporate ladder into “powerful” positions and having children later, whom I could argue will be given more worldly advantages by virtue of having financially richer and more well educated parents, who in turn have the ability to do powerful worldly things like go into politics, medicine, law etc. These people go on to affect/influence society. I am NOT saying Christians do not positively influence the world- in fact we are CALLED to do so as a salt and light of the world (Matthew 5:13).  I am NOT saying you always need a masters degree or an MD to do so either.

It is harder to bring about effective change on a national or global level though if you do not rub shoulders with other worldly powerful people or have a very good education. Personally, I encourage other Christians to pursue higher education, although this makes things like holding off on sex and marriage a problem.

The other issue you are looking at in the states at least is the crippling student debt. Shouldn’t education be free? Say I finish graduate school at 25 and have $400,000 to pay off as well as a boyfriend of 3 years whom I am strongly attracted to and want to have sex with. Do I just get married now and hope the church/my family will help cover the cost of a small wedding?

We live in a vastly different time to Jesus and that is why I really struggle with this. Girls in those days never had to consider what we have to. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  rainandfire.
Post # 26
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ultimately, I think you have to sit down and figure out what it is you want out of life.  You can crowd source on here all you want but ultimately it is you who has to determine your path.  By all means pray about it and turn to your faith…but also seriously think about where you want to go with your life.  Is this religion one you still relate to or not?  It is high time you think and pray for your own wellbeing, not what your parents want from you, not what a boyfriend wants from you, but what YOU want from you.

Also make the decision for yourself if you will have sex in your next relationship or if you will abstain until marriage.  If you want to stay in your faith and grow in your faith, frankly there is no justifying having premarital sex.  If you want to stay strong in your faith, even if you end up looking for a different church, you cannot justify having sex again until marriage.

I will say I also could see your ex potentially having talked you into sex from what you describe of him…”oh baby it will be fine, we will end up married anyway”…”we will love each other forever”…etc.  He has sounded fairly manipulative in your posts.

For now…pray.  Pray for forgiveness, and let yourself be raw with God.  Also…this is important…forgive yourself.  Your life isn’t over; rather now that you are out of that relationship it is just beginning. 

Post # 27
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
rainandfire:  

“Meanwhile, atheists are climbing the corporate ladder into “powerful” positions and having children later, whom I could argue will be given more worldly advantages by virtue of having financially richer and more well educated parents, who in turn have the ability to do powerful worldly things like go into politics, medicine, law etc.”

OK, these are very good points about our modern society. I, for one, believe in women having equal access to education and career opportunities. It was much easier to have sex only within marriage when that same choice was being made by a majority of other women. Men expected to marry virgins. This created a cruel double standard for females, but it meant that the female who abstained from sex was not bombarded with pressure to have sex, but instead respected for the decision. Marriage came quickly after high school, or more infrequently, delayed until after college, so the “wait” was not that long.

Today, any young woman who tries to abstain is faced with the constant knowledge that most of her peers are already sexually active, that many of them are in a desperate rush to lose their virginity (because now shame is attached to being a virgin), and just about every young man she dates expects sex (because they often get it).

Now I am not a fan of marriage at 18 and three babies by 21, but I think we have gone too far to the other extreme of delaying marriage. Just watch what happens when a bee of age 22 or 23 posts on weddingbee that she is getting married; she is bombarded with messages telling her that is too young, she shouldn’t be getting married. We have gone too far with the wait, wait, wait messages. Wait until you finish college. Wait until you are established in your career. Wait until you have had  time to have fun and be your own person (a process that I guess is supposed to take up much of your 20s), wait until you can afford the wedding.

Being single in the 20s isn’t all fun. There is a lot of lonliness. Or moving in with a boyfriend and give years of your life to him before finally realizing the relationship isn’t going to lead to marriage.

As for the financial benefits of marrying later as opposed to earlier, it really is a mixed bag. Marriage in the early 20s usually means earlier home ownership and earlier children. When you start having kids in your 30s, you can get hit with paying their college costs just at the time in your life when your own retirement is looming and you need to be taking care of yourself. Delaying childbearing also has left a lot of couples facing the fact that they cannot get pregnant due to age-related fertility, whereas conceiving in your 20s is much easier.

As for early marriage slowing down careers, I think it is more children than marriage that can slow down a career. No matter what age they are, parents will have to grapple with the fact that it is difficult for both of them to work 60-80 hours a week and have time for their children. And while I support career opportunities for women, I do not think that reaching the highest levels of education or career is the only way to have a profound impact on the world. I think mothers have a profound impact on the world by raising children to be decent, responsible people. Look at how messed up the world is now, with kids having such troubled home lives.

As for couples delaying marriage because they cannot afford a wedding, I think this is messed up, whether the couple is having sex or not. Average cost for a wedding in U.S. is $28,000. I think all of us, regardless of our views on premarital sex, should really question why this ritual has gotten so out of hand in terms of cost.

Post # 28
Member
11532 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

As someone who was single until I was 47 and was committed to remaining a virgin until after my wedding, I certainly can relate to some of these questions.

Although society has indeed changed, and there are many reasons people, including committed Christians, are marrying later in life (pursuit of education, not meeting the right person yet, not BEING the right person yet, financial considerations, etc. etc.), God’s Word and expectations remain the same.

This is why so many mature Christians — many of whom have been through these temptations and have made mistakes — are so adamant about encouraging young people to do whatever they can to avoid and delay significant temptation. I will never forget a line I once read in a book by Christian minister, teacher, and author Charles Swindoll: “There’s a name for people who try to reason with lust: victim.” (That may not be word for word, but that was the essence of his quote.)

I think the most important thing for committed Christians to remember is this: God is never going to change His mind about something just because we find it to be too difficult, unreasonable, challenging or “unfair.” He is God. He changes not.

Scripture reminds as that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. 

It also tells us that there is forgiveness for us in Christ if we truly repent and ask for forgiveness.

And, it makes very clear that we are not to “deliberately keep on sinning so that grace may abound.”

We have all of the information we need to figure out what He is commanding us TO do and what He is commanding us NOT to do. And we also know what to do when we do sin.

It’s incumbant upon Christians to use Godly wisdom and Godly resources to try to avoid sin, and, if or when we do fall into a particular sin, to have a Godly response to (sorrow, repentance turning away from) our sin.

What deeply concerns me is how pervasive it is among many Christians today (especially younger generations of Christians) for them to simply decide that God didn’t really mean what He said, that his “rules” no longer apply, that Paul and other apostles were misguided and wrong in their writings (instead of inspired by the Holy Spirit), that the words “sin” or “shame” or “guilt” are bad and should be avoided. Quite honestly, all of those ways of thinking are wrong, and they are based on deceptions and lies from the pit of hell.

I struggled with relationship temptations from the time I had my first serious boyfriend in high school, and I continued to struggle with them in some of my other serious relationships. Although I am very thankful that, with God’s help, I was able to remain a virgin until my honeymoon, I definitely compromised by doing some things beyond kissing in some of my relationships over the years. I always knew that I was wrong when I was doing them, and I spent a lot of time asking God for forgiveness for the times that I compromised my convictions. I am grateful that God forgave me for my sin.

I am also very thankful that, by the time I met my DH, because we had both made some mistakes in our pasts and had learned from them and had grown dramatically in our relationships with God, we were both extremely committed to doing nothing beyond kissing in our relationship until we were married. Because of this, we tried even to avoid the appearance of evil. Although we had a long-distance relationship and barely had any time together, DH would usually stay elsewhere when he visited me in my state. I have wonderful, Godly friends who allowed him or the both of us to stay at their homes (separate rooms for us, obviously), so that we could see each other without putting ourselves in a challenging situation. When I visited him in his state, I stayed with a couple from his church who very kindly opened their home to me.

I once paid for DH to stay at a hotel in my area so that he could stay there by himself while I stayed at my house. And, when we went on vacation together while we were engaged, I paid for two separate hotel rooms for us. (At the time, I had the much better job and the expendable resources, and I was the one who wanted to go on the trip, so I was more than happy to pay.) Staying separately was the right thing — the wise thing, for us to do. On the few occasions when DH visited and was not able to stay with my friends, he slept in the guest room and used the guest bathroom on the other side of my house.

Post # 29
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
rainandfire:  

The following response is a bit long, but I prayed and meditated over it before posting as well as having done some additional research for articles and Biblical references because besides answering your questions clearly and completely, I want it to be clear that I am not just replying based on my own opinion, but that I am earnestly trying to bring you God’s thoughts on the matter. Everything I’m saying, I’m saying with the best of intentions, and I hope you receive it in that same spirit. I will also PM you some reading material that has practical recommendations for single Christians trying to remain chaste.

While I understand that in a Christian context, premarital sex is a sin, I don’t see there being much help or support in churches for modern day Christians who are struggling with this.

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t feel you have much support in this area, being that it is so important. And I’m also sorry to say that I have noticed this to be true in my own observation and experience. I think part of the reason for the lack of support is the tacit understanding within some churches that: (1) most young people do not bother to adhere to the God’s commandments regarding fornication so there is no value in teaching about it and (2) they are afraid to “scare people off” by boldly speaking the truth about immorality. Via PM, I’d be glad to point you in the direction of resources in your area.

Back in biblical times, women were married much younger. In today’s times, many women go to college, then do further post-grad studies, then want to climb the corporate ladder. The average age of first marriage is late 20s/early 30s in the western world. The age of puberty hasn’t changed. That means that instead of waiting 2-3 years, people are now waiting 15-20 years from onset of puberty to age of losing their virginity if they did not engage in premarital sex.

This is true and it’s very astute of you to recognize that even though times have changed, our eternal God has not. Stated another way, given that God is unchanging, we should not fool ourselves into thinking that we simply have a pass to ignore certain commandments that modern times make it somewhat more difficult to obey. You are very wise to analyze this the way that you have because, yes, we now need to go to a bit of additional effort to ensure that we keep God’s laws. However, the reward of being viewed favorably in the eyes of the Lord is so worth it.

I don’t doubt that prayer can be effective, but sexual urges ARE biological. We wouldn’t just pray an appendicitis or heart attack away, we would seek medical attention and treatment. Should christians who are tempted to have pre-marital sex take medication to suppress their libido?

Appendicitis and heart attacks are both negative things that result from human imperfection. Sexual urges are not negative at all and were indeed designed by God for a reason. So when we make that distinction, it might be easier to see why the two issues need to be dealt with differently. Your comment about “praying away” sexual urges, reminds me that prayer (in itself) is not usually all that is required to deal with any spiritual issue. Also necessary is, reading the scripture, meditating on it, seeking wisdom and intentionally arranging your life to be in harmony with God’s commandments. If you [the general “you”] live a generally Unchristian lifestyle, then of course, mere prayer (on any subject) is not going to be of much benefit to you. Also, Christians who are tempted to have pre-marital sex needn’t necessarily take mediation to suppress their libido, but what they CAN do is minimize the temptation as much as possible. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says that we need to “flee from fornication.” This means to stay as far as possible from anything that might lure us into immorality. It certainly involves refraining from intentionally feeding our minds with activities specifically designed to heighten our libido (such as sexting, pornography, phone sex, etc.) and avoiding close association with those who ignore God’s principles related to sex. It would be much easier to maintain a commitment (to anything) if you surround yourself with people who value it as well. I saw in another post that you don’t have a strong Christian community to rely on. I can certainly relate to that as I have fended for myself spiritually at certain times of my life, but let me ask you, is your significant other at least on the same page as you?

Even cohabitation is also largely considered a sin. I’ve been looking through a lot of internet resources (I don’t feel comfortable bringing this up with a pastor) and reasons why christians should not live together before marriage. Unfortunately, it was very poorly written. When it came to the point of saving on rent, the author had written something along the lines of “Don’t do it, just don’t. It’s not worth it.”

Cohabitation is not a sin. However, from a Christian perspective, it is a terrible idea because: (1) it creates unlimited opportunities for temptation which in turn leads to sin and (2) it would make observers skeptical that we are living a chaste lifestyle which could be a stumbling block for those who are trying to learn about the God we serve by watching he behavior of His servants. Some people are not comfortable revealing their own experience which has led them to the conclusion that “it’s not worth it” and others would be glad to share but don’t feel that they have the freeness of speech to allow them to lecture others (perhaps based on unwise decisions they have made in the past) so, on this and similar subjects, I understand it can be difficult getting a clear and reasonable rationale besides “ummm, because I said so.” My goal is to provide a bit of that in this post.

So my questions are based on practicality:

1. What should a christian couple do when they are struggling with finances, and work far from their parent’s home in terms of renting together? They could rent an apartment each, but it would cost them much more than if they were to live together.

This example is not uncommon and people have found all different kinds of ways of working around it. Even some PPs have mentioned options dealing with renting rooms and staying with friends and whatnot. But again, just because our circumstances might make obedience a little complicated, doesn’t mean we’re excused from the requirement. The simplest way to view it is thus:which is more important? Saving money or pleasing God? It would be great if there were a lot of nuance and loopholes and different angles from which to look at this, but there aren’t. I’ll insert a personal anecdote here. My husband and I lived in different countries while we were engaged and went to tremendous expense to maintain separate households (although, in all honesty, it was no more expense than if we had never met and were just two single people with separate lives) for over a year while we made preparations to get married. Almost everyone we knew (including some Christians) told us “oh, just move in together. It’ll be fine.” But we knew that we owed it to ourselves and our God to do what was necessary to flee from fornication and to continue in our exemplary Christian behavior. Those people encouraging us to ignore the reality that we would very likely fall into serious sin if we were to live together would not have been there to help pick up the pieces of respective relationships with God, would they? Was it hard? Absolutely. Was it expensive? Even more so. But I would not want back a single dollar or trade in a single lonely night if it meant that I would have to trade it for God’s favor.

2. What should a christian couple do when they have dated for many years, are feeling sexual urges, and not able to marry yet for financial reasons? I know you can have a registry wedding for just a few hundred dollars, so is this something every christian couple should consider? Or should they take something to suppress their sexual urges?

If the couple is truly ready to be married (and not merely imagining themselves to be ready because they really want to have sex), then there is no reason why they shouldn’t do so when possible. To your point, getting married costs less than $100 in most places that I know of. If you’re talking about having the funds to have a wedding celebration, well, it comes down to priorities. The couple would have to ask themselves: what is more important at this time? Being married? Or having a wedding? No couple, Christian or otherwise, should over-extend themselves by attempting to have a wedding they can’t afford. Again, sexual urges should never be the primary reason why a couple chooses to marry. But the inability to host an elaborate wedding should not be the primary reason why they choose not to marry. As to the part about taking something to suppress sexual urges: the issue is not to suppress biological urges; the goal here is to get your situation to a point that is easier to control your actions.

3. Christian couples who aren’t married are also urged not to holiday together. However, it is highly likely that when in a relationship for a few years, a couple will take a holiday. Should they sleep in separate hotel rooms, and once again pay more to keep up an appearance of not sinning?

I saw that some PPs made suggestions about taking group trips and whatnot. That is good advice. And at the risk of being repetitive, a dating Christian couple can also ask: what is more important? Taking vacations alone? Or remaining loyal to our commitment before God? I believe my earlier comments fully encapsulated the fact that saving money on hotel rooms is not by any means a worthwhile motivation to expose oneself to unnecessary temptation. However, I want to address the last part of your question regarding “keeping up an appearance of not sinning.” This may sound like it’s not a worthwhile consideration because after all, who cares what people think as long as I’m not sinning, right? Wrong. Jesus called his followers “the salt of the earth.” That is, that we as Christians are the source by which people can “see” God. At 2 Corinthians 5:20, we learn that part of our responsibility involves being “ambassadors for Christ.” We are a model for outsiders and they should be able to judge the God we serve based on the extent to which we reflect His truth. How would you [the general “you”] feel if you learned that a non-Christian friend or relative had decided through their observation of your behavior that Christians are hypocrites because we simultaneously preach premarital abstinence while living with our boyfriends, which obviously means that we are engaging in premarital sex? That person’s conclusion could be incorrect, of course. But it would have been primarily your actions that led the person to that conclusion. That’s a risky way to live and not worth the potential damage to your conscience.
I hope that this is helpful to you in some way. Please let me know if I can clarify anything. And I pray that you can find the strength to abide by God’s commandments regarding premarital sex and maintain your commitment to doing so. Best wishes to you!

View original reply
bgswifey:  since you said you wanted to see my answer, I thought I’d tag you as well. 

Post # 30
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
Brielle:  I always get so excited when I see that you’ve commented on a post. I really enjoy reading your comments and I admire that even though you “tell it like it is” from a Christian perspective, that you do so very kindly and gently.

The topic ‘Feelings about premarital sex!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors