Feelings after loss

posted 1 year ago in TTC
Post # 2
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry, bee.  You have every right to be sad – that’s a tough thing to go through.  Take the time you need and ask for support here on the TTC boards whenever you need it – this is an amazing group of women who are truly HERE for other women, no matter what part of the journey you’re on.

A loss is a loss.  Mourn it however you feel is appropriate and when you’re ready again, try to proceed with an open heart so that you can enjoy every moment.  You are brave, you are resilient, and you are supported!! <3 

Post # 4
4025 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@cherryblossombeeee:  So sorry for your loss, Bee. 

My first pregnancy last year ended in a 6 week miscarriage. I had all of the same emotions that you did. One best friend was due a month before me and one best friend was due the same week as me. It was crushing watching them go through these milestones last year that I had been dreaming of. At time of conception, we had been trying almost four years. And to have our first positive test result in a miscarriage was crushing. 

We suffered back to back miscarriages last year and it was just brutal. Last year was such a dark, terrible time in my life. I remember being so sad all of the time. It zapped a lot of my joy. One day I looked in the mirror and I just didn’t recognize myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt joy without an * next to it. Like, “This was such a good day* (*but it would have been better with a baby), etc. 

All I can say is that time truly does its best to heal all things. Once I got past the milestones (the holidays, the due date, etc.), I allowed myself to release the pain. In fact, I got my period in April on what would have been the first baby’s due date – and I conceived our daughter off that cycle (currently 23 weeks pregnant). Without that pain last year, I would have this squirmy, feisty little baby growing within me. I am NOT saying everything happens for a reason, but I am saying sometimes things just suck – and then sometimes things don’t suck.

Right now, it feels like things suck. Just know that such an early loss is unavoidable. Nothing you could have done, nothing you did caused it. 

I also feel you so, so hard on that feeling of “robbed joy.” When I got my positive this past May, I was not happy. In fact, I cried. I felt a surge of fear and said to my husband, “This won’t happen again, right? It can’t happen again. I won’t survive another miscarriage.” It took me a long, long time to let go of that fear even a little bit. Even now, I still fight waves of fear. Every appointment I go to, I do so with held breath and a heart that’s ready to fall out of my butt. 

But I also allow myself to feel joy and excitement. And you will, too. Let yourself grieve the process, but know that it won’t last forever. When you’re ready to try again, do so! Be patient with yourself and the process!

Post # 6
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

It’s hard.  Sometimes it’s really hard.  I terminated for medical reasons in January, at 21 weeks, and had two colleagues at work who were due within a month of me.  The pandemic and lockdown meant that I didn’t see them much in the later stages of their pregnancies – it’s the one good thing that the virus has done for me!  Time has helped me tremendously though, and we’re TTC again; my sister in law has had a baby (we were briefly pregnant together) and I am able to cuddle him without bursting into tears, which is a fairly big milestone!  

I think the one thing that won’t ever change with time is the fear of something happening if and when I do get pregnant again – I have to admit that when I see pregnancy announcements, particularly if they’re early ones, I’m internally shouting “a pregnancy doesn’t necessarily equal a take-home baby” to myself.  I don’t think people realise how common miscarriage is; terminating for medical reasons is much less common but once you’ve been struck by lightning, you’re always going to be more concerned about thunderstorms.  There seem to be so many people who are wonderfully naive to everything that can go wrong, and I wish I could be that way again.  If I do get pregnant again (I’m 40, and not sure I could put myself through IVF), I know that I’ll be terrified for nine months that something will go horribly wrong again.  But I can’t let that take over my brain; all I can do is make sure I have the right support in place for next time.

Post # 8
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

A loss at any time is devastating and I am so sorry you and any other wonderful bees had to experience one. I had a chemical pregnancy back in the spring and the baby would’ve been due around Christmas time. I was so excited for those few days and so hopeful that when my period came it crushed me, much more than I excepted. I have a background in science and understood all the mechanics of why the baby didn’t stick but nothing prepares you for having those hopes and dreams for this new life snatched out from under you like a rug. 

Everything that you’re feeling is totally normal and the best thing to do is let yourself feel the feels. TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster and when you get pregnant again after a loss your nerves are always on edge but it does get better. I wish you all the best in your journey and remember that it’s a great sign you got pregnant to begin with and the loss doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your partner. Biology is messy. While I have no data to back this up, I did find some comfort in knowing that I could get pregnant and usually the next pregnancy sticks. Be sure to join the POAS boards when you’re ready to start trying, those woman are amazing! 

Post # 9
6583 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

5 years ago I lost a baby at 11 weeks. Despite having a rainbow baby since, I still grieve that lost baby to this day. Not in a way that impairs my life, but I’m allowed to still be sad about it and wonder what could have been. I think it’s only natural. I’m very sorry for your loss. 

Post # 12
164 posts
Blushing bee

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@cherryblossombeeee:  I could have written your post. Except we got pregnant in our cycle before we started trying (still can’t work out how!) August 2019, and I had a MMC at 10 weeks. So if it had all happened ok we would have a 4 month old now. 

it was particularly hard seeing the announcements of due dates similar to mine, and definitely mixed feelings of happiness and envy. Plus a good dose of ‘what if’. 

I take a little solace in that there was obviously something genetically wrong with the baby, and I am glad that we didn’t have to make any decisions later into the pregnancy as a PP did.. for that I am grateful. I reassure myself that being a MMC, it wasn’t ‘my bodies fault’ as such. 

I think the hardest part for us is that it’s coming up 12 months from our loss, and we aren’t pregnant again. I think if it had happened for us it would be hard worrying it would happen again, but every month it doesn’t happen I worry it’s just building the pressure even more for when it does! 

goodluck bee, wishing you a speedy rainbow Bub. X

Post # 13
53 posts
Worker bee

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.  I’ve had two miscarriages this year (though a little earlier than yours) and it absolutely is devastating.  Like you, I’ve never been particularly crazy about kids and on a lot of days could take them or leave them… but everything changes when that positive test pops up.

I’m also terrified of more losses, but it sounds like it’s something I’ll have to accept if we keep trying.  I haven’t really decided how I feel about that or what I want to do yet.

Wishing you the best of luck as you start trying again!

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