So sorry for your loss, Bee.
My first pregnancy last year ended in a 6 week miscarriage. I had all of the same emotions that you did. One best friend was due a month before me and one best friend was due the same week as me. It was crushing watching them go through these milestones last year that I had been dreaming of. At time of conception, we had been trying almost four years. And to have our first positive test result in a miscarriage was crushing.
We suffered back to back miscarriages last year and it was just brutal. Last year was such a dark, terrible time in my life. I remember being so sad all of the time. It zapped a lot of my joy. One day I looked in the mirror and I just didn’t recognize myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt joy without an * next to it. Like, “This was such a good day* (*but it would have been better with a baby), etc.
All I can say is that time truly does its best to heal all things. Once I got past the milestones (the holidays, the due date, etc.), I allowed myself to release the pain. In fact, I got my period in April on what would have been the first baby’s due date – and I conceived our daughter off that cycle (currently 23 weeks pregnant). Without that pain last year, I would have this squirmy, feisty little baby growing within me. I am NOT saying everything happens for a reason, but I am saying sometimes things just suck – and then sometimes things don’t suck.
Right now, it feels like things suck. Just know that such an early loss is unavoidable. Nothing you could have done, nothing you did caused it.
I also feel you so, so hard on that feeling of “robbed joy.” When I got my positive this past May, I was not happy. In fact, I cried. I felt a surge of fear and said to my husband, “This won’t happen again, right? It can’t happen again. I won’t survive another miscarriage.” It took me a long, long time to let go of that fear even a little bit. Even now, I still fight waves of fear. Every appointment I go to, I do so with held breath and a heart that’s ready to fall out of my butt.
But I also allow myself to feel joy and excitement. And you will, too. Let yourself grieve the process, but know that it won’t last forever. When you’re ready to try again, do so! Be patient with yourself and the process!