(Closed) Feelings hurt by a last minute invite. What should I do?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I go to the party?

    Yes, suck it up and act happy to be invited.

    No, keep your original plans for the day.

    Other, please explain.

  • Post # 33
    168 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2000



    Post # 34
    1832 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I am so sorry your friendship has taken this turn.  I have to share my story with you even though it really isn’t going to help, probably.  Grab popcorn cuz I get chatty.

    So, about 26 or so years ago when I was new in my unit (retired military) I was one of the extreme few who didn’t go out to the bars with the others after the duty day was done.  Long story short – I did a TON of bar time as a child and I would rather watch paint dry than go to a bar or club.  No judgement on anyone who enjoys that, I just don’t.

    Anyhoo – there were a couple of guys in my unit who also didn’t go to the bars and were on the conservative side, like me.  We instantly became the 3 amigos.  None of us were married at the time (I was a divorced mom, they were single) and to this day we have never  had a romantic or sexual thought about each other.  These 2 guys are my bestest buds EVER.  They always have been.

    Since we weren’t married or seeing anyone we shared a lot of things that create that BFF bond.  We have always been there for each other and have been each other’s biggest supporters.  As a married woman I would never in a million years create a friendship like that with another man because of the things you share with a BFF – but this was all prior to meeting our spouses.

    I remember when K met D.  K was on the unit rifle team with another female so he hung out with her and I quite a bit.  D wanted to know just who the heck these 2  female friends were!!  Well, D and I hit it off right away and she has been my best girlfriend ever since.  I went with her when she did her wedding gown fittings and was planning their wedding.  I also helped her with their DD’s wedding last November.  K and I still carpool together everyday to work – just the two of us.  D supports that 200%.  K and D will celebrate their 23rd anniversary in May.  As a matter of fact their youngest DD and my DS went to school together from kindergarten to their graduation last Spring.  They were in the same class from K thru 5th grade.

    Then, there is R.  He also fell in love with a “D” and she was in our unit at the time.  She is also a very very close friend and they have 2 beautiful kids who are 22 and 20.  This November will be their 24th anniversary.  R and I always exchange I love you’s when we hug with our spouses standing right there.  It is a “I love you buddy/I love you, man” kind of thing.

    I was there for both weddings, baby showers, graduations, the whole thing.  They were their for me too!

    The secret for us was a common knowledge that our spouses always had to come first.  By reading the story of your BFF’s Girlfriend it reminds me of how lucky all 3 of us are.  Not one of our spouses has ever had the slightest jealousy of our friendship.  Not even a teeny bit!  They know they are first in our lives and they know there has never ever been any interest between us other than a brotherly/sisterly BFF sort of thing.  I think the reason this is so cemented for us is that our spouses know we all have SWORN to never discuss marriage issues with each other.  We all believe that marriage issues belong in private between spouses or with a counselor – not BFFs.

     I am so sorry  your BFF’s Girlfriend can’t understand that.

    Your BFF will have to put her first to have any kind of relationship with her – that is how it is supposed to work.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like she will come around and warm up to you because she feels threatened.  I agree that you need to stop trying so hard with her and just be warm and friendly when you see her.

    I wanted to share my story with you to show you that it is entirely possible for this to be successful and I am sorry it isn’t going well for you.  Super huge kudos to your husband for seeing your friendship with BFF for what it is and respecting it!!

    Post # 35
    4430 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    This isn’t a birthday party or christening Or shower.  It’s a reveal party. I wouldn’t regret not going. But oh well your choice! 

    Post # 36
    281 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Unfornately, opposite-sex friendships rarely work once marriage and spouses come into the picture. She’s going about this all wrong, but I’m sure she is feeling threatened to an extent. Plus, if you’ve never had a close opposite-sex friend (and I’m betting she hasn’t) you just don’t get it. Then, factor in all the cliches about how “one person always has feelings for the other” that we get from sappy movies and TV, and it’s even harder to understand the dynamics of those friendships. Her friends and family probably say catty things to her about it as well.


    Honestly, having a talk with him about it won’t do any good. It’s really a no-win situation for him. Of course, he’s not going to go against his wife (would you even want him to?) and he doesn’t want to lose a friendship, but eventually one relationship has to take precedence.


    Post # 37
    13655 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I don’t see how you were offended by not being invited to what was originally  a tiny family party and then became a slightly larger family party.  The general guideline is invite people along category lines.  If you were invited, it would have meant other friends would have to be invited as well. 

    Obviously the wife ended up making an exception for you. I think she realized she was rude to expect you to help her with something  you were not invited to.  Mostly,I think she was caving under the pressure from her H.  But you are not her  paid personal shopper and I personally, I would not be going as far as you have been to ingratiate yourself with her.  

    I would not  be personally  “offended”  at being invited a day ahead and  told that it’s “pot luck” I just wouldn’t change my plans or agree to come.  On her end, if she’s rude enough to invite you last minute, the least she could do is waive the apparent ticket price she’s charging for entry.  All this aside,  I am not a big fan of self congratulatory parties thrown by people for themselves. 

    Actually, your friend was not too smart  to tell you that they had previously argued about this.  If he really wanted a good relationship to develop between you, you’d think he would have wanted his wife to gain a few points for making the gesture,  even if the invitation was last minute.  No way would I  attend once I heard they had argued over me being there.

    Post # 38
    859 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @pinklemonade12:  I would rather go out of town with my husband, personally! But if you would rather go to the gender reveal party, then I would just go!

    She sounds like she does not approve of your friendship or feels threatened by you. Maybe that’s not right, but as a family unit they have to focus on each other and their baby now, and what’s best for their relationships, and prioritize that over friends.

    Post # 39
    489 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I would still go to the party!

    Let me also say I feel for you 100000% because I’m also athletic & have made many of my close friends through sports over the years (even met my Fiance that way!) and sometimes the girlfriends of my male friends have been baffled that we are so close but haven’t ever had romantical ties – and at times the ladies have been less than understanding of our friendships.  I don’t know, I guess I treat people as people whether they are male or female!  I’ve been fortunate that they all eventually came around once they realized that I’m completely non-threatening to their relationships, but it’s taken some time in a few instances.  

    I hope your BFF’s Girlfriend eventually comes around too!  You sound like you’ve been going above and beyond, taking her shopping and helping her with centerpieces and everything.  If it were me, I’d probably stop trying to be her friend so much if she’s determined to dislike you for now & just focus on being there for your BFF.  It sounds like he probably needs good friends in life if he’s going to be linked by a child to a woman who behaves this way. 

    Post # 40
    477 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @pinklemonade12:  I feel for you that is how me and my ex bff stopped talking. Alot of hurt feelings during her pregnacy alot of wrong information told to her which resulted into alot of trust gone. I went to the party..well baby shower after being emailed the infomation the day before also with the request to bring ice and drink :/

    I went felt totally incomfortable gae a gift with a nice card and theing got worse from there. We have worked out our problems but we nowhere near as close as we use to be (always talked about her being my BM/MOH but she is only a guest now and that with other family members feelign she shouldn’t be invited at all). From what I read it just seems like the girls plain ole doesn’t liek you …and its has everything to do with her if you have been friendly and nice and not seeming like you want your bff. Since it’s a bit different and he’s your friend go and be there for him. Honestly tho if it was me after this I would make no effort to be nice to her anymore. In groups and such be nice but other then that leave her be not with it IMO.

    Post # 41
    1555 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Here’s the thing, you WANT to be there. It’s an opportunity for you to celebrate with your best friend. You go out of your way to help them out, and in the end, were invited, though belatedly. 

    Making something for a pot luck doesn’t have to be huge. Make a giant salad, perhaps?

    Go, be happy for them, and celebrate.

    Post # 43
    784 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think you’re doing the right thing in being friendly with the girlfriend, but you’re taking it a little too far with the special trips to get outfits etc.  I also think you need to hold your friend responsible for his relationship with you – he should be the one writing you a thank you note for a gift for the baby if his girlfriend won’t.

    Post # 44
    864 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    View original reply
    @pinklemonade12:  I’m glad you talked to him. And she is one crazy bitch. But as you said, it’s not about her. It’s also HIS baby! So I’m glad you’re going to go.

    Nonetheless, I wouldn’t do all these things for her anymore. Actually, I would even tell her, the next time she asks for a favor, that you’ve really tried to be her friend but her behavior over the past year has hurt you time and time again and the last minute invite was one too many things. Tell her you wish her all the best, but you’re not willing to give everything when the other person never gives anything in return. Be nice about it and tell her that if she’s ever open to a more friendly relationship among the two of you, you’re very happy to try again, but there’s gotta be an end to this one way street!

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