I am so sorry your friendship has taken this turn. I have to share my story with you even though it really isn’t going to help, probably. Grab popcorn cuz I get chatty.
So, about 26 or so years ago when I was new in my unit (retired military) I was one of the extreme few who didn’t go out to the bars with the others after the duty day was done. Long story short – I did a TON of bar time as a child and I would rather watch paint dry than go to a bar or club. No judgement on anyone who enjoys that, I just don’t.
Anyhoo – there were a couple of guys in my unit who also didn’t go to the bars and were on the conservative side, like me. We instantly became the 3 amigos. None of us were married at the time (I was a divorced mom, they were single) and to this day we have never had a romantic or sexual thought about each other. These 2 guys are my bestest buds EVER. They always have been.
Since we weren’t married or seeing anyone we shared a lot of things that create that BFF bond. We have always been there for each other and have been each other’s biggest supporters. As a married woman I would never in a million years create a friendship like that with another man because of the things you share with a BFF – but this was all prior to meeting our spouses.
I remember when K met D. K was on the unit rifle team with another female so he hung out with her and I quite a bit. D wanted to know just who the heck these 2 female friends were!! Well, D and I hit it off right away and she has been my best girlfriend ever since. I went with her when she did her wedding gown fittings and was planning their wedding. I also helped her with their DD’s wedding last November. K and I still carpool together everyday to work – just the two of us. D supports that 200%. K and D will celebrate their 23rd anniversary in May. As a matter of fact their youngest DD and my DS went to school together from kindergarten to their graduation last Spring. They were in the same class from K thru 5th grade.
Then, there is R. He also fell in love with a “D” and she was in our unit at the time. She is also a very very close friend and they have 2 beautiful kids who are 22 and 20. This November will be their 24th anniversary. R and I always exchange I love you’s when we hug with our spouses standing right there. It is a “I love you buddy/I love you, man” kind of thing.
I was there for both weddings, baby showers, graduations, the whole thing. They were their for me too!
The secret for us was a common knowledge that our spouses always had to come first. By reading the story of your BFF’s Girlfriend it reminds me of how lucky all 3 of us are. Not one of our spouses has ever had the slightest jealousy of our friendship. Not even a teeny bit! They know they are first in our lives and they know there has never ever been any interest between us other than a brotherly/sisterly BFF sort of thing. I think the reason this is so cemented for us is that our spouses know we all have SWORN to never discuss marriage issues with each other. We all believe that marriage issues belong in private between spouses or with a counselor – not BFFs.
I am so sorry your BFF’s Girlfriend can’t understand that.
Your BFF will have to put her first to have any kind of relationship with her – that is how it is supposed to work. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like she will come around and warm up to you because she feels threatened. I agree that you need to stop trying so hard with her and just be warm and friendly when you see her.
I wanted to share my story with you to show you that it is entirely possible for this to be successful and I am sorry it isn’t going well for you. Super huge kudos to your husband for seeing your friendship with BFF for what it is and respecting it!!