Feelings hurt during intimacy, being irrational?

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3797 posts
Honey bee

He should try not masturbating for a week and then have sex. If a man becomes too used to doing things solo it might become difficult to orgasm from intercourse. I think he needs to retrain himself a bit. 

And please, no indignant screeds about how I’m anti masturbation. I’m not. But in this case it’s getting in the way. Dan Savage (who I adore) had a letter about this a while ago and that was his advice. 

Post # 3
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

sunburn :  I totally agree with this, the body gets trained to react a certain way and he may need retrained so to speak

Post # 4
Member
47177 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

tenley7 :  Rest assured that this has nothing to do with you.Men who cannot orgasm with intercourse  can be more used to masturbation, but there are also physical and emotional causes. He can start by making an appointment with a doctor.

Post # 5
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee

Have you tried mutual masturbation while kissing? At LEAST you’d be finishing together and still sharing that bond. 

Post # 6
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

I just want you to know that you are not alone. My SO and I are very happy and in love and we have great sex but sometimes he has trouble. It is mostly due to stress for him but that doesn’t stop my mind from going on an endless loop of negative thoughts about myself, my body, and my abilities in the bedroom. It helps for me to speak these thoughts out loud so my SO can give me some reassurance. We also like to cuddle and make out and whisper sweet nothings to each other. Its a different kind of intimacy but it helps me feel connected to him when I’m filled with self doubt. I’m sending you love. 

Post # 7
Member
6326 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If a man masterbates a lot, he gets used to the more aggressive stimulation of the hand, making it more difficult to finish when having sex. That’s not your fault. Provided there aren’t medical reasons, that’s almost certainly it. All he needs to do is stop for a while. 

Post # 8
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

His masterbating is ruining your sex life. He might need counseling. If he values your relationship, he needs to quit. 

Darling Husband hasn’t done that once in years! 

Post # 9
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oh bee, I’m so sorry, this would be very hard not to take personally. I second others suggestions to see a doctor just to be sure everything is ok, but honestly my biggest advice also echos Denizesecunda. I would bring mutual masturbation into your intimacy! Darling Husband and I LOVE to mix things up and sometimes we’ll get eachother off by hand a few sex sessions in a row because it can be so fun! I apologize if this is Too Much Information, but I acutally find is VERY hot when Darling Husband finishes himself on me sometimes. If you are open to trying that, it might help bridge the gap in his mind between the ease of getting himself off alone and getting off with you in different ways. Good luck to you! 

Post # 10
Member
8783 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

tenley7 :  “He said he never had this problem in the past” — I don’t think he’s being honest here.

  • Is this a boyfriend or husband?
  • How long have you been together? 
  • When he finishes himself, is it completely solo or does he use porn? (I am fine with both masterbation and porn until it starts interfering with your mutual sex life)
Post # 12
Member
416 posts
Helper bee

Happened in my marriage (we’re divorced now). He was using porn several times a week and surprise surprise, couldn’t finish during sex. It didn’t cause our breakup but I definitely don’t miss that *at all*. This is a serious matter and I would absolutely not let it go(after making sure any potential medical issues are resolved). I used to be super “porn positive” but honestly, the older I get and the more fallout I see from it’s use and overuse… I’m kind of over it. I’m so sorry.

Post # 13
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee

lisaeversman :  Why would he need COUNSELING? It sounds like you think masturbation is some kind of mental issue, and it’s not at all. Just because a man has trouble in a particular sexual relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s suffering from a mental problem; inability to orgasm is also due to pain medications, drinking, bad sex, anxiety in bed, etc. 

In addition, it’s not really appropriate physiologically to suggest he give up masturbation entirely; if he gets to the point of release but then can’t release, it (apparently) does cause real pain, which would obviously keep him from being able to enjoy subsequent sexual encounters, and the problem would just continue. 

Post # 14
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

tenley7 :  You’re not being irrational by feeling hurt. I would feel the same way.

I agree with the other posters that he needs to do something about this and taking a break from masturbating is probably a good start. 

First, he’d need to agree that this is a problem worth solving. He seems to be minimizing it.

Post # 15
Member
4558 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Ah the “this never happened before you” line… Don’t believe it. He needs to get himself off because that’s the only way that gets him off. I agree with pps, he needs to take a break or atleast have you do the job for him//help him. He can’t be running to the bathroom to do it himself. Good luck, its NOT you 

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