Post # 1
There have been times he fails to complete during intimacy. Especially the last 6 months. About a month ago, he had to take care of himself twice on vacation because it was hurting and built up because it wouldn’t happen with the two of us together.
We were good for about a month and it happened last night. We were making love and he lost it, so we stopped. He immediately goes to the bathroom because he said he needed to urinate. He comes back a few minutes later. I ask him the question, and he said he did do it himself.
I was so upset and he kept telling me not to take it personally. Just the idea of us making love and me doing all of these different things he likes to just stop and him leave the room directly after.
I wanted to say that I have nothing against taking care of yourself, as I do it as well. However, him leaving the room to do it because we failed hurts like no other. I guess these feelings come from insecurity and feeling inadequate. He said he never had this problem in the past, which makes me feel even worse. Then, I start comparing myself.
I know I really shouldn’t take it personally, but I feel resentment and a lack of even wanting to participate sometimes because feelings just get hurt in the end. I’m upset and furious and he feels bad.
Even today, I’m still frustated.
Post # 2
He should try not masturbating for a week and then have sex. If a man becomes too used to doing things solo it might become difficult to orgasm from intercourse. I think he needs to retrain himself a bit.
And please, no indignant screeds about how I’m anti masturbation. I’m not. But in this case it’s getting in the way. Dan Savage (who I adore) had a letter about this a while ago and that was his advice.
Post # 3
sunburn : I totally agree with this, the body gets trained to react a certain way and he may need retrained so to speak
Post # 4
tenley7 : Rest assured that this has nothing to do with you.Men who cannot orgasm with intercourse can be more used to masturbation, but there are also physical and emotional causes. He can start by making an appointment with a doctor.
Post # 5
Have you tried mutual masturbation while kissing? At LEAST you’d be finishing together and still sharing that bond.
Post # 6
I just want you to know that you are not alone. My SO and I are very happy and in love and we have great sex but sometimes he has trouble. It is mostly due to stress for him but that doesn’t stop my mind from going on an endless loop of negative thoughts about myself, my body, and my abilities in the bedroom. It helps for me to speak these thoughts out loud so my SO can give me some reassurance. We also like to cuddle and make out and whisper sweet nothings to each other. Its a different kind of intimacy but it helps me feel connected to him when I’m filled with self doubt. I’m sending you love.
Post # 7
If a man masterbates a lot, he gets used to the more aggressive stimulation of the hand, making it more difficult to finish when having sex. That’s not your fault. Provided there aren’t medical reasons, that’s almost certainly it. All he needs to do is stop for a while.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
His masterbating is ruining your sex life. He might need counseling. If he values your relationship, he needs to quit.
Darling Husband hasn’t done that once in years!
Post # 9
Oh bee, I’m so sorry, this would be very hard not to take personally. I second others suggestions to see a doctor just to be sure everything is ok, but honestly my biggest advice also echos Denizesecunda. I would bring mutual masturbation into your intimacy! Darling Husband and I LOVE to mix things up and sometimes we’ll get eachother off by hand a few sex sessions in a row because it can be so fun! I apologize if this is Too Much Information, but I acutally find is VERY hot when Darling Husband finishes himself on me sometimes. If you are open to trying that, it might help bridge the gap in his mind between the ease of getting himself off alone and getting off with you in different ways. Good luck to you!
Post # 10
tenley7 : “He said he never had this problem in the past” — I don’t think he’s being honest here.
- Is this a boyfriend or husband?
- How long have you been together?
- When he finishes himself, is it completely solo or does he use porn? (I am fine with both masterbation and porn until it starts interfering with your mutual sex life)
Post # 11
lisaeversman : how can you know for sure?! ;-P
Post # 12
Happened in my marriage (we’re divorced now). He was using porn several times a week and surprise surprise, couldn’t finish during sex. It didn’t cause our breakup but I definitely don’t miss that *at all*. This is a serious matter and I would absolutely not let it go(after making sure any potential medical issues are resolved). I used to be super “porn positive” but honestly, the older I get and the more fallout I see from it’s use and overuse… I’m kind of over it. I’m so sorry.
Post # 13
lisaeversman : Why would he need COUNSELING? It sounds like you think masturbation is some kind of mental issue, and it’s not at all. Just because a man has trouble in a particular sexual relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s suffering from a mental problem; inability to orgasm is also due to pain medications, drinking, bad sex, anxiety in bed, etc.
In addition, it’s not really appropriate physiologically to suggest he give up masturbation entirely; if he gets to the point of release but then can’t release, it (apparently) does cause real pain, which would obviously keep him from being able to enjoy subsequent sexual encounters, and the problem would just continue.
Post # 14
tenley7 : You’re not being irrational by feeling hurt. I would feel the same way.
I agree with the other posters that he needs to do something about this and taking a break from masturbating is probably a good start.
First, he’d need to agree that this is a problem worth solving. He seems to be minimizing it.
Post # 15
Ah the “this never happened before you” line… Don’t believe it. He needs to get himself off because that’s the only way that gets him off. I agree with pps, he needs to take a break or atleast have you do the job for him//help him. He can’t be running to the bathroom to do it himself. Good luck, its NOT you