Feelings hurt during intimacy, being irrational?

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

lisaeversman :  I would find it pretty surprising if this was correct…!! Does your man tell you that he hasn’t masturbated in years? That’s pretty unusual I think…do you have an issue if he does?

Post # 17
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I would be hurt that he is turning away from you and creating distance to solve a problem instead of keeping the closeness and intimacy involved in the moment and showing trust by facing the problem together. It takes a lot of bravery to discuss something like that openly, but that little wedge of the silence and closed bathroom door really compounds the feeling of isolation and distance. Whatever the issue is, mutual trust is going to be essential in finding a solution that works for both of you. 

Post # 18
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

In my opinion and experience, the most obvious explanation is that he is habituated to masturbation and perhaps porn. PMO (porn-masturbation-orgasm) provides visual and physical stimulation that is different from intercourse, and intercourse can be less stimulating in comparison. Plenty of men balance the two experiences fine, but many don’t. Add stress to the equation and for some men intercourse becomes difficult and PMO becomes preferable. 

I don’t think it’s shaming masturbation to suggest he stop PMO for a few weeks to see if that improves the situation. If he is unable to stop for any length of time, then that’s all the more indicative that the habit has become compulsive IMO. 

If he is able to stop and still has difficulty, then other medical and mental explanations and doctor appointments can be pursued. 

In the long term, mutual masturbation could help during the occasionally off session when he needs more stimulation, but I would be concerned about clearing the air on a secret PMO habit first.

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