(Closed) Feelings may have changed

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
1114 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’re being really hard on yourself–being married doesn’t mean you’re not going to change as a person. Based on the timing, I wouldn’t worry about making the decision to have or not have kids in the future right now, or worry about changing your mind. It’s a natural part of life. If having kids is a super important thing for you down the road, that’s something you can both talk about and figure out the best path. It’s not a betrayal to grow and change. We’re 100% sure we don’t want more kids and my fiance is still on the fence about getting a vasectomy because having that permanence is daunting. There’s no reason to make a permanent choice if you’re not comfortable with it.

Let yourself heal and focus on your life together, and if down the road you feel like something is missing, talk about it. You have so many options, and that’s okay. You don’t need to write out your life and make all of the choices. Having a general idea is great, and I think having it on the table that you may want kids someday is the most you need to do for now. Get birth control that will give you more peace of mind and give it some time.

Post # 32
308 posts
Helper bee

Hugs, bee! I have the Mirena IUD and I won’t lie, it hurt like a bitch getting it put in. But it was 100% worth it. I had some twingey pains on and off for the first couple months, but now I have no periods, zero problems, and love not having to think about my birth control. I don’t think I would ever get the Paragard, personally. I think it’s a good option if you have a lot of issues with hormones, but for anyone else I think the Mirena or similar hormonal IUDs are a much better option. It’s still a much lower hormone dose than typical hormonal birth control, because it’s localized. 

Post # 33
3187 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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anon2345 :  firstly, i commend you on your decision. even though it was hard, it sounds like it was the right choice for you two. secondly, i think you just need to wait it out for a few months. as you said, your hormones are going crazy right now, and it can be exceptionally confusing. give yourself a few months to regualte and heal, and then you can approah the situation again knowing that you’re doing so rationally and not just hormonally. if you continue to feel this way in a few months, then you should have a conversation with your husband. it might be that he’s more open to it now too, or it might be that’s he firmly CFBC. if you want children, and he doesn’t, then you’ll need to decide how important having a child is to you.

my husband and i are CFBC, but we’ve also always said that we would communicate openly with each other if feelings changed, and also be open to hearing that from the other person. but it’s a two yes one no situation, and ultimately we’re choosing each other over any potential children.

Post # 34
136 posts
Blushing bee

This must have been such a difficult time for you 🙁 I agree with other PPs, with so many emotions, chamicals, thoughts, and feelings racing around, now is not a good time to make a definitive choice on this. Allow yourself time to recover, and see how you feel in 6 months when there’s been some space.

In the mean time, I hope you feel better soon 🙂

Post # 35
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Hey Bee, just wanted to send a big hug to you, what a tough situation. Just be kind to yourself and be patient with your recovery – physically and emotionally.

Also, discuss the possibility of a local anesthetic with your dr for placing the IUD. It’s not covered by insurance, but might still be worth it to save yourself further discomfort.

Finally, I know it’s not even comparable but I had my first proper pregnancy scare a while back, and before that I was super ambivalent about kids. For a month afterwards I was completely obsessed with babies, trying to figure out if we now wanted one and when it would be possible etc etc etc. I drove myself completely crazy. After a while the craziness subsided a bit and my DH and I decided to talk about it again in a few months when we have had time to think about it calmly and separately and then decide on a timeline that is right for us. What I’m trying to say is you don’t need to figure this all out right now, and wven if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you might change your mind again in a few months. 

Big hug Bee!

Post # 36
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I don’t want kids, but I had a miscarriage and it made me feel the exact way you’re describing. Like, oh god, if I’m feeling this way now what if I was wrong and I really do want them? What if I’m going to destroy my relationship over something I thought was established? I’m not saying that your experience and mine are going to be exactly the same, but after the hormones were out of my system and I had time to grieve what almost happened, I gradually settled back into not wanting them. It’s a huge life decision whether to have them or not, so it makes sense that being put in the situation where you have to definitively make the choice for your life right now with no way around it would give you some solid doubt. Having options helps, having a supportive partner helps, but overall this is one of those terrifying times where all you can really do is embrace ambiguity. And that sucks, but it’s a temporary feeling. I hope the pain eases soon.

Post # 39
10832 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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anon2345 :  

I know a woman who did exactly what you have done, made the difficult   choice to terminate and almost   immediately after wanted a child. She did  so and is very happy . But give yourself at least  a few months more to think and sort what  is guilt (so awful but  very hard not to feel, regardless of situation) and what is real change , and of course to talk to your husband. 

I do wish you luck , it’s all so hard. I think you are right though, to keep  it utterly private for now. 

Post # 42
342 posts
Helper bee

I don’t really have any advice or input, but I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. 

Post # 43
2915 posts
Sugar bee

Bee, I’m so so sorry what the two of you had to go through. I know this must be a super difficult time.

With that being said, I agree with PP and I think you should wait before making any permanent decisions. 

If I were on the fence about children, I would look into the Paraguard IUD (no hormones) and it lasts for 10 years but can be taken out whenever you feel the need. Also, I recently got the Nexplanon removed (it was expired). It lasts for 3-4 years and it is put in your upper arm. It deposits hormones just like an IUD but in my opinion, is less invasive. It also is super super effective. Even more so than IUDs. I’d look into it. 

Good luck with everything. 

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