Post # 1
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. I’ve never mentioned to him my feelings towards my engagement ring until last night. I feel horrible that it was brought up, but with being upset and hurt by his family I haven’t been wearing it.
I guess, I’m not sure if my feelings are even valid and that’s my question. The diamonds came from my father in laws Mothers ring he gave my husband, which yes was sweet of him to do. My issue was that when it came to getting it reset for me, my in laws did everything and pretty much just got the thumbs up from my husband. I feel bad that he didn’t pick anything out, but my in laws did. The ring is nothing like what I’d of picked or wanted, which is completely okay, but makes me sad it’s not even his choosing. I wish he’d of been involved and was a reflection of him and I.
This is was brought up with my Bad feelings towards my in laws. I’m friendly to them, but do dread having to spend time with them after many issues we’ve had since our engagement to now. A lot of things being related to religion (he’s Jewish I’m not, I know there’s tension from them about it, but they don’t directly say it) but the ring now becomes something they use as “of course we lover her, we wouldn’t of given her the ring if we didn’t” as some sort of reason I can’t take the time I need to heal after they say/do something to hurt me. So I guess this plays a big part in me feeling like it was a gift from the in laws vs. my engagement ring. And I look at it now and it makes me think of that rather than our endgagement.
I dont know, am I being unreasonable or petty? I know my husband feels terrible now knowing that’s how I feel towards it and I feel bad it’s ever even been said now 🙁
Post # 2
I’m sorry your ring comes with so much baggage.
Maybe over time you can forget about the drama behind it and just appreciate your ring? If not you could reset it something both you and/or your husband would have chosen?
Post # 3
mbe232 : I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. Before my fiancé proposed, he mentioned his mom wanted him to give me one of her rings. It wasn’t my style, and he and I agreed we wanted something new that was from him only. I think it’s important to have this discussion before the engagement, and I don’t understand how it doesn’t cross anyone’s mind that you may not love what someone else chooses for you. You have to wear it the rest of your life (no one else). Why don’t you explain to your husband you love the diamonds, but you’d like the ring reset? Sure there will be hurt feelings, but his family took that risk assuming you’d love anything THEY chose, which is a bit near-sighted on their part.
Post # 4
I don’t blame you. If I were you I’d come back to the subject after things have cooled down and suggest having it reset perhaps on your next anniversary. Tell him you’d love the stones but you want it to be personalized with his touch because you love him so much etc, etc. Until then, just wear the ring. You’re married and you accepted it already. I think not wearing it in the interim may continue to sour feelings and he might be reluctant to get a new setting if you aren’t being a good sport about it now.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
You and he should pick you a new ring together that represents your own fresh start
Post # 6
Thanks for making not feel like such a horrible person for these feelings.
He had already offered to get the ring reset or getting a new one eventually if I wanted. I’m not sure how I feel about it, it’s not the ring that’s the most important, but was something I needed to get off my chest. I feel bad that he feels bad about it now to. It feels odd to think about getting an endgame to ring now. The main thing I dislike about the ring is the diamond itself, marquise are kind of a hit or miss with people’s taste.
Ive just felt like a horrible person or that I was being overly dramatic about it, we could have much bigger issues.
Post # 7
It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that it’s not a big deal and you think you should be able to accept this ring, but it’s been bothering you for 2 years now. I don’t blame you for wanting a ring you actually like, especially since your in-laws keep throwing their ring in your face, as if they did you a huge favor by choosing your engagement ring for you. (My Jewish parents have been known to do the same thing: force something on me that I don’t want, and then act like I owe them for a “gift” that I never wanted in the first place.)
Yes, you should have been honest with your husband when you first got engaged, but since you decided to hide your true feelings about the ring, you need to be honest with him now. You don’t have to say something hurtful like “This ring is ugly and I’ve always hated it” (even if that’s true). You can be a little more tactful and tell him that the ring isn’t your style and you’d like to pick out a new ring together, one that reflects your taste as a couple. You shouldn’t feel obligated to wear a ring that someone else picked out for you.
Post # 8
mbe232 : I wouldn’t hold onto the fact that your husband didn’t help design the ring. It has a lot of family sentimate, so maybe he let his parents take control, or maybe they are just controlling and he didn’t want to step over that. Either way, I personally don’t think you should blame him for that piece. BUT the fact that his parents hang the ring over you both, saying “they wouldn’t have given it to you if they didn’t love you” is complete bullshit and I would be upset too, but only about that. They cannot hang that over you and that is only going to continue it sounds like. So addressing that part and telling your husband it’s inappropriate for them to do that and maybe talking through it to see how he feels, and what you both can do to address it is how I would handle it. Good luck!
Post # 10
It does NOT feel good to be indebted or beholden to someone, especially when they are being ungracious as it sounds like his parents are being. I would get an entirely new ring. Put the other one in your jewelry case and maybe pass it on to your child one day, who (hopefully) won’t have the same challenging history around your In Laws.
I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. In fact, I probably would have given the ring back the first time they said “of course we love TwilightRarity, we wouldn’t have given her the ring if we didn’t.” because my stance is – do NOT give me gifts while treating me like shit. Gifts mean less than nothing under those circumstances. That is hella toxic of them to try to entangle you and your husband like that.
Get a new ring that you love. Then the issue of your relationship with your in laws is a whole other thing for the two of you to work on. (side note- if they treat you poorly and you decide you need space from them and your husband doesn’t support that, he is part of the problem).
Post # 11
TwilightRarity : he knows and understands I need space, and part of what brought up a lot of this was bringing up the thanksgiving conversation where ill pretty much have no choice but to show up. It’s just my mom and I and she’s very much the keep the peace type of person.
But yes, the ring was given to my husband when my in laws assumed our wedding and future children would be done Jewish. A switch immediately switched with them when they found out we planned on an interfaith wedding to respect where both of us came from. Our engagement was miserable due to them. Purposely trying to talk to my husband separately to try to get him to convince me to do what they wanted and putting him in a bad place to force him to make a choice. They even called my mom to try to get her to convince me to do what they wanted when it wasn’t working with my husband. (To be honest, these weren’t even what I’d consider HUGE things, but things that meant a lot to me as it would mean the difference of me being confortable and happy on my wedding day)
when finally they reluctantly backed down (after about 10 months of pushing) I was expected by them to just move on and accept the apology. I tried I really did. But it’s just not something I was ready for more than accepting to be friendly. This was the first time they used the “FIL wouldn’t of given you his moms ring if he didn’t love and fully support you” when they knew they’d done nothing over the last year to make me feel they did.
This behavior has continued, but smaller scale since they aren’t as involved since there’s no wedding to plan. But it’s shown me how they truest feel and i know it’s hadd for my husband. We’ve had multiple conversations about before we have children we need to figure out these issues first and make sure they understand their place. I want my kids to have a relationship with them, but never want them to make them feel less than. They’re strongly opinionated on the religion we raise our kids.
Sorry this his is so long
Post # 12
Oh, bee, you need a new ring!
It sounds like the ring you’ve been given has basically become a symbol of your baggage with your IL’s. When you look at it, I bet you see it as a tainted symbol of negativity and you’re feeling upset because you feel like it didn’t come from HIM. That’s valid for sure.
The ring should be a symbol of his love for you and commitment to you! I dont blame you for wanting something that represents the two of you.
Why not just tell him you’d like a new ring that you can purchase together as a symbol of your renewed commitment to each other? Or maybe this could be an opportunity for him to surprise you with something he picks out with some hints from you. Maybe you could even have a vow renewal on your next anniversary with the new ring!
You can’t take back how the engagement went down, but you can discuss with him how you feel and create an opportunity for him to make this right. I’m honestly surprised you were able to hold your feelings in for that long.
Just talk to him about it and maybe he’ll like the above ideas. Good luck!
Post # 13
mbe232 : No worries. All of what you shared adds valuable context and I can see why you aren’t feeling good about them. I probably would have verbally blasted them a long time ago (actually, not probably- definitely) ;). It’s good that your husband is supporting you on this and it’s wise that you are committed to getting on the same page before having children.
I’m curious- how are they about people pushing back firmly and directly with them? I’ve encountered people who seem really pushy and intense in their communication style, but they also expect others to be pushy and intense in their responses and don’t take it personally when it happens in return. However, if you are someone who is more reserved or respectful in your communication style, it can be really easy to feel trampled over because you are being too tolerant with them. If you aren’t from a floor snatching culture or family, it can be intimidating and daunting to dive into the fray.
A few things that I have found helpful to balance the pushy and reserved communication styles is to get comfortable saying a few crystal clear things with a neutral tone. What those things are will depend on you and the people you are speaking to, but here are some of mine:
“I’m not going back and forth about this.”
“We’ve already discussed this and a decision has been made so we do not need to go over it again.”
“I’m not going to discuss this anymore. Thank you for your input.”
“You need to stop. Now.”
“This interaction is making me uncomfortable, so I’m going to take a break and get back to you.”
“There seems to have been a misunderstanding, this isn’t something we are requesting guidance on.”
All of these comments are very direct, but they are also non-negotiable, enforce boundaries and they keep the explanations and decisions with you (and your husband). You may need to find some other phrases that work better for you, but you definitely need to enforce firm and clear boundaries much sooner to interrupt their fuckery. 10 months of manipulation and poking at you and your husband and even your family, is entirely too much and if they are doing this during your pregnancy, it’s going to be a miserable experience for you and, more importantly, for your baby, who will be impacted by your internal upset (no matter how you publicly behave).
Post # 14
It must be a Jewish parent thing, as my parents have engaged in similar behavior throughout our entire engagement. They argue with us about every decision we make regarding the wedding, and when I don’t agree to do what they want, they talk to my fiance separately to try to make him convince me. When that doesn’t work, they call my fiance’s mother to try to make her convince us. It’s gotten to the point that my Future Mother-In-Law won’t even take my mom’s calls anymore, because she supports whatever my fiance and I want to do and she’s sick of my mom trying to put her in the middle.
If there’s anything Jewish moms are good at, it’s triangulation, so make sure you and your husband are on the same page about these issues. The two of you need to present a united front, otherwise your Mother-In-Law will think she can turn you against each other.
As far as your future children are concerned, you need to shut that down NOW. Tell them, in no uncertain terms, if they give you or your husband any grief about raising the children Jewish, they WILL NOT have a relationship with their grandchildren. That might sound harsh, but it’s the only way they’re going to respect your right as parents to decide what’s best for your children. They don’t get to make those decisions for you, and they don’t get to make you miserable by harping on it constantly.
Post # 15
Could you buy another ring? Move that one to your right hand when you get the new one and present the new one as an anniversary present so the feelings of the family are protected.
Post # 16
cypresstree85 : I find your negative stereotyping of Jews very offensive, not to say anti-Semitic. My Jewish mother and aunts could not have been more helpful and supportive during my engagement and about my wedding. None of the negative traits you generally ascribe to Jews are found in my famiy, and those who are Jewish have been totally acceptive of the offspring of mixed marriages (like, say, me). My husband’s Jewish family was equally supportive and accepting.
Even if you believe negative things about an entire ethnic group (based on one example, apparently), it probably wisest not to mention it. It’s certainly most polite not to mention it.