Post # 1
Hi everyone! My and my hubby strongly disagree on something … i need your opinion!
My fiance is from Paris. He left France 5-6 years ago. Before we met, he started a friendship with an older woman who he sees like a second mother (he his 32, she his 47…) . She was his neighbor. She helped him a lot. He had no friend or family in his new country so he related a lot on her. Thia woman is single and lives with his two girls who are like 17-18 years old. My fiance says he sees them as sisters.
I have never felt good about those relationship from the start. They all talk almost daily, seeing each other almost every week. I feel weirded out when he is alone with the two girls (bringing them to theaters or stuff like that…). Im invited most of the time but im not always interested or free (i’m a single mother). They sometimes go on mini-trips for the weekend and i hate that.
Now he is talking about going on a trip with the three of them. He wants to bring them to his parents, in Paris, for two weeks. His parents know and like them. I cant go because of my work and my kids … im completely mad at him for envisaging this kind of intimate trip with them!! From my perspective, its not ok to go on trips or week ends with opposite-gender friend…. he thinks i overeeact and insists that he sees them like mother-sister. I think that its still not ok and i suspect that his 47 year old friend has some other interests in him whatsoever … and the girls are beautiful blonde girls… i hate thinking about my future husband be with them in a house for two weeks …
Im ok with him having female friends, but they need boundaries….i think that going on vacation, week ends Is too much…. but my fiance thinks its weird that i dont accept that… because of the fact that he sees them like family (although he only knows them for 4-5 years) … what do you think ?!!
Post # 2
danaplease : Yeah, not normal at all. Met 5 years ago and she’s his second mom? I’m not buying it. Maybe they’re not sleeping together, but it’s still not cool for him to spend this much time and energy on another woman and a couple of teenage girls.
Which is why he wouldn’t have gotten a second date from me, much less marriage. This was all well-established before you married him. He was doing this the whole time you were dating. Why did you think it would change? It doesn’t matter what anyone on the internet thinks, your husband has made his thoughts on the matter clear. You can live with it or you can leave. Or more likely, you’ll make a big stink and he’ll start being sneaky about it. What is definitely NOT going to happen is him putting aside this “friendship”.
Post # 3
So is this guy just your boyfriend and not your “hubby”?
Why did you even continue to peruse a relationship with him if you have such big issues that you weren’t compatible on?
I think it’s unfair to dictate to someone that they should alter a relationship that predates you in their life without a solid reason.
Clearly your fiance/ boyfriend/ whatever doesn’t feel the same as you so how is this going to move forward?
Thia woman is single and lives with his two girls who are like 17-18 years old. My fiance says he sees them as sisters.
Who are these girls, her kids?
Post # 4
zzar45 : Ohh, yes, I totally missed that. Thanks for highlighting.
danaplease : If you marry him, he comes with an older woman and 2 teenage girls that he takes on trips to Paris. If you hate thinking about your future husband in that situation, then find a future husband who isn’t going to be in that situation. It’s that simple.
ETA: Also, if you want helpful advice you need to be clear about what your relationship is. If you aren’t married, don’t call him “hubby” to the internet strangers who you’re asking for advice.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Ummm he met this family before you were in the picture. He looks at them like a mother figure and sister figure and you and you don’t like it. I don’t think you like the fact that she is 47. If she was 67 I am sure you wouldn’t have a issue with it. So basically you are jealous!!! You are o.k with him having female friends just not this family who he consider’s HIS FAMILY. But you think of them as friends. You feel weirded out when he is with the girls, not him. So you have the issue. He want’s to bring them to Paris to see parent’s and you have a problem with this? Are you kidding me. I definatly think you are over reacting, he thinks of them as FAMILY.
Post # 6
Ok first of all the two younger girls, how are they part of the picture? a 47 year old lives with two random 17 years old that are not family?? Very strange
Also why are you worried about two girls half his age and UNDERAGE… did he give you a reason to be umcomfortable or are you jealous of two underage girls.. neither of that is okay
Personally this all seems shady to me and the fact that you have kids is reason alone I would move on.. would not put my kids anywhere near a manwho may have these bizarre odd relationships with huge age swings
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
As PPs have said, this relationship was established before you, and you’ve had every opportunity to walk away if you were not comfortable with it. It’s clear that he is not going to end his friendship with them, and considering his family knows and likes them as well, you would have a hard time not being the bad guy if this trip ended up being cancelled at your request.
I’m not saying whether or not you should be okay with the relationship. Everyone has different boundaries. What I am saying is that he’s already decided, and made clear, that he is not going to change his relationship with that family for you, so you can accept it, or you can leave.
Post # 8
supertrooper0101 : “the fact that you have kids is reason alone I would move on” — Yes, exactly. She calls him hubby and future-hubby, yet he obviously cares more about these other kids than his potential step-children. But yet if he invited OP’s kids to come along, that would not be better. He looks like a creep either way.
danaplease : Find someone who puts you and your children first.
Post # 9
danaplease : I feel like they are a complete family already. Have you, your kids and he visit his family together?
Post # 10
You can have non blood family. If they have been in his life since before you then boy friend or husband you can’t come in between them now unless they are taking substantial amount of time away from your relationship. It does not seem like they are and you are invited but can’t go. Also he is from Paris so taking them there to visit his family is not a big deal. If he was from where else and this was his first time in Paris and you wanted to go but could not then I could understand how you would feel jealous. They are visiting his parents, what could possibly happen.
Post # 11
Omg sorry if my post is unclear. English is not my first langage. Im sorry i uses the word ‘hubby’. He is my boyfriend of one year. Yes im Aware of those relationship from the start. But at first, it was not as big as an issue. He went at their house for dinner, those kind of things. I found it weird but tried not
to judge. It began an issue those 2-3 last months when he began talking about going on vacation and week ends with them during the summer …
He has knowed them for 4 years. I think its exagerated to call them ‘family’. The girls are 17 and 19 and they are his friend’s daughters.
Post # 12
Your post reminds me of a video I happened to see recently from a young woman living in France and dating a French guy. She said that the frequency (and intimacy) of the opposite sex relationships were challenging for her initially but that it’s something she has come to accept and understand better.
I can’t personally say that I would be comfortable, either, but I don’t think you get to dictate terms on this relationship he’s had since before he knew you.
Post # 13
danaplease : But it hasn’t only become a thing in the past 2 months as you knew that they often took trips together before now. This isn’t the first time so why is it surprising?
He has knowed them for 4 years. I think its exagerated to call them ‘family’.
Why though? Being neighbours and friends for 4 years could absolutely feel like family, particularly as he has no other relatives to rely on. The important thing is your boyfriend says he feels like they are family so why are you doubting it?
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
danaplease : He is your boyfriend of 1 year get over it. He has know them for almost 5 years. My comment hasn’t changed. So the girls were 12 and 15 come on!!!! And they are FAMILY to him not FRIENDS he has to you this, so listen to him. He isn’t even outcasting you. He has invited you along numerous times. Even on this vacation but because you can’t go that’s not his fault.
Post # 15
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
My husband is very close with an older lady he sees as a second mother. They’re not related, but he absolutely dotes on her, sees her at least once a week. She has grandchildren who are currently ranging from early 20s-early 30s, some of whom are female and particularly beautiful. He’s known them since they were children, sees them as nieces and nephews. He’s taken them out without me numerous times, he’s taken a couple of the girls to London to a concert on a couple of occasions when their parents were unable to make it. There’s nothing sinister in it, they’re like family and it doesn’t bother me at all.
I know from first hand experience that blood doesn’t always equal family. These people have been a major part of his life for longer than you have, I think you’re going to have to learn to accept them if your relationship is going to continue, because they sound very important to him.