Female friends too close

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
9673 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Can I make friends with your Fiance too? I wanna go to Paris!

Post # 92
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

Wow, this thread.

OP: in my opinion, it’s pretty simple. You and he are bith entitled to your feelings on this matter. It doesn’t sound like his are going to change any time soon. You don’t have to put up with it if you don’t want to. You can try and have another discussion with him to discover if he’ll see things your way, but it sounds like that would be futile. If this is a dealbreaker for you, break the deal and break up with him.

Also, +1 on slomotion’s valid and astute point. I just got my passport renewed, too!

Post # 93
Member
3019 posts
Sugar bee

danaplease :  I honestly dont see the issue. 

If these girls were not “blonde and pretty” would you be uncomfortable?

Maybe i have a different perspective on this because i have plenty of “adopted family members”. I have very limited family that i talk to and hang out with, so many friends (or even family members of other family members) have become my family. 

I have cousins who arent related by blood and we all hug/kiss eachother. we all lay on eachother watching movies in the house and have slept in the same room/bed. Maybe we are just an affectionate family and we treat friends that way, too.

I dont see any issues with this unless he is being creepy/over touchy with them. He sees them like family and treats them so. 

I think you need to find a way to have your own relationship with them/be involved or move on. You two can discuss boundaries, but it doesnt seem like he would simply stop seeing/calling them at this point. You are alwaus invited so go! get to know them. 

Post # 94
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

danaplease :  Both my husband and I come from family where people picked up and left their own family and started a new life in a new country for a better opportunity. They were alone and they found friendship and bonds with people that they grew to consider as as strong a blood family. I don’t necessarily think your partners friendship with these people is that odd considering his story.

He probably does see these girls as sisters and this woman as a mother figure. They probably helped him feel tied to his new home. If he wanted to start a relationship with this woman or her eldest daughter who is of legal age, he probably would have done so before he started dating you a year ago. I think if he was being sinister with these friendships, he would have excluded you in a lot of things involving them. He hasn’t.

Honestly though, if you feel uncomfortable about this and prefer your partner to not have female friends, you are better off finding someone who doesn’t have these types of complications that makes you feel uneasy. 

Post # 95
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I do believe that when one enters a romantic relationship that a certain amount of change might be appropriate to lifestyle to accomodate an SO. I’m not talking drastic personality changes.

For instance, before I met my SO I had a “buddy” that I would go to for fun times. It kept me from sleeping with people (high sex drive) that I didn’t trust etc. I knew that when or if I ever began to seriously date somebody that this relationship would obviously have to cease out of respect for the person I am dating. For me to date somebody with the stipulation “And I also have a fuckbuddy who was here before you so that’s not changing.” Seems a bit asinine. 

I also had a friend (just a friend- nothing more) that I had a bit of a flirty back and forth with. It was more of an ego stroke than anything even though there were no feelings there. I’d send him pictures of me in outfits vice versa, we’d talk very explicitely about our sex lives and give relationship advice. When I started seriously dating someone, ALL of that stuff would cease (and if he started dating someone- the same for him) and we would respect that of each other. We remained really good friends until I moved away becaused we both recognized and realized that for the good of our friend some things about OUR relationship had to change in order for them to have a healthy romantic relationship.

Then again when I started dating someone it was always with serious intent (I would not date someone for “fun” but with the intention of progressing the relationship to eventually marriage etc). I suppose if I was the sort to just date around then yes I’d have a harder time compromising on my relationships. 

Reminds me a bit of that Parks and Rec episode where Leslie realizes that her very close and somewhat intimate relationship with Ron is causing issues between him and his new love interest, so she decides to back off out of respect for that relationship. It seems like the natural normal thing to do for me?

ANYWAYS-

While I understand that nobody has the right to tell anybody what to do, I do feel that it is a bit unfair for the OP’s boyfriend to just blow off her feelings in this way. I do think the best course of action would be to leave instead of to insist on “change”, but I do see a more guilty party here and it would be him as he is completely unwilling to compromise to accomodate his (1 year is not not-serious) SO. Perhaps she is far more serious about the relationship than he is. I know for my husband I would be willing to compromise quite a bit for the fact that having him in my life is more important to me than some of my other friendships. I sort of feel like a relationship that doesn’t make you feel that way just isn’t worth the time. And if you are in one you may be wasting the other person’s time if they are more serious about you.

Post # 96
Member
6331 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There are as many differing opinions as there are people. No one here knows the exact situation, and we are all just going based on what you have said, OP. But even if 100% of the posters here said it was just fine, if YOU don’t feel it is okay, you need to act in your own best interests. Very much like the disagreements about strippers or bachelor parties or porn, even if something works for everyone else, it does not have to work for you.

What I am saying is that only you can make a decision about whether you are okay with this or not. It doesn’t matter if you SHOULD be okay with it if you aren’t. Your relationship is a year old, and that’s not very long in the big scheme of things. If something like this is a deal-breaker for you, then it is better to realize that now. I am not saying it should or should not be, just that no matter what anyone says here it is unlikely to change how you really feel about it. Trust your gut, and if you cannot live with it, don’t feel like you have to.

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