Female Perspective Please- Engagement Stealing Spotlight?

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 136
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

Not sure if I’m too uneducated or haven’t had enough coffee, but can anyone simplify the OP’s updates?

Post # 137
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

socalwaves :  

I read your updates and here is what i would say. 

You can safely set aside all questions about, did you do enough to plan the ideal proposal and take into consideration all her feelings about it. You did everything you could. You can set aside in it’s entirety any reasoning or questions about WHY she might feel how she feels about your brothers engagement and her hurt about it. 

Why? Because it isn’t about that, it is about her instincts, about how she reacts to things that don’t go her way, or don’t fit into what she thinks should happen. THAT is the issue here. Her personality traits. The subject matter of the argument is irrelevant. 

The concern moving forward is, can you get some sort of confirmation through therapy that she CAN and WILL change the way she reacts to things. You should do therapy together and your goal with the therapist should be, at the end of your sessions you meet with the therapist privately and get their honest take on if her behavior is changeable or not. 

Here is the deal if her behavior isn’t changeable, which in all likelyhood it is not. 

– She hides it more from you and gets sneakier about how she influences you.

This results in her manipulating you, influencing you against your family, verbal abuse where she puts you down and tells you all the things “wrong” with you to condition you to think you deserve crappy treatment. 

– She just waits until she has more leverage over you to where she thinks you now HAVE to accept her terms and behavior because you can’t leave her easily anymore. AKA when you have children with her. We all have seen overly posessive mothers and have seen how that plays out and it isn’t pretty. The engagement gave her a taste of power in your relationship, and you can see how that went, imagine her holding the kids over you. 

This could cause her to keep your kids away from family holidays, parties, and controlling the children. The children would grow up seeing this behavior and be heavily influenced by it. 

In my opinion you still aren’t seeing the bigger picture here. This is what i tell my friends when they are in a relationship they aren’t sure about. If nothing ever changed, if this is how it always was going to be would it be enough? Would you be happy for 50 years of this? Because logically you can only assume that the way a relationship is, is the way it always will be. Assuming something will change is wishful thinnking in the extreme, and certainly not something i would base a life decision on. 

I get that you think very similarly and finish each other sentences, but let me tell you something. As a woman i could do that easily. Women are great listeners especially when we want something. We gather intel from everything a guy says on dates, hangouts etc. It really isn’t so hard to then understand what a guys interests and opinions are and tell them back to him to get him to feel something for you. Hate to break it to you but that is SUPER easy. Call it, telling someone what you know they want to hear. But i am telling you, the fact that she can predict how you feel about subjects and ideas that I am sure you have told her about before, or she heard from a friend, or your parents etc. really isn’t that hard to do or that special. Men tend to talk alot and forget the details. Women remember EVERYTHING. 

I also wanted to add an important part about you thinking that you two are on the same wavelength and have this understanding of each other and connection. It must not be that great because despite being able to “know you so well” she took 0 of your feelings into consideration in this situation. She cared 0% and knew 0% about how her actions would affect you and make you feel. But i thought she was supposed to just “get you”? See? she doesn’t actually deeply connect with you and understand you like you seem to think she does. If she did she would give a crap about how this was both of your engagement, she right now would understand your feelings on this situation. The last thing she would be if she really could finish your sentences is angry and confused. 

What you really should be thinking about is what does she bring to the table? Does she add more joy into your life? Does she bring things into your life that you wouldn’t have otherwise? Unique things, special things. Will she make your life easier? Or harder for the next 50 years? Is she an asset? Or a liability? Will she support you and your family through tough times? Is her instinct to be kind and loving and patient? Because all of those things make a good parent and partner. I wouldn’t be marrying anyone who didn’t have those things. 

 

Post # 138
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

socalwaves :  Thank you again for your update and added context. I think her reaction to her sister is a game changer…if it was just about the holidays, her parents meeting your family, and marrying into a new family, I could see that. But with her own sister getting engaged in March, there’s none of that going on, which to me is an operative point.

I’m about to PM you with details about my own situation – you might find it helpful.

Good luck!

Post # 139
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

peggy92 :  they have a way deep connection but she is selfish AF and still not seeing the error of her ways.

She sort of hears what he’s saying,  but not really and expects things to proceed as is including The Wedding Date despite the OP saying otherwise. He loves her lots but has no idea what to do

Post # 141
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee

One line in particular in your update hit me. The lack of empathy. I have found as I have got older that it is either in someone’s heart or it is not. Selfish people have that lack of what I consider a very important trait. Simply put, if you can’t stretch your mind to imagine someone else’s pain or emotions from the conseuqnces of your own or actions what kind of mother/ spouse will you make? Sympathy and empathy go hand in hand. I sure as heck could not marry someone who was immune or would shrug off someone else’s discomfort or suffering.

As to the finishing off of your sentences etc. I’ve had friends both male and female that I have experienced that with. That does not mean anything more than what it is. It does not mean that person is your soul mate. Simply that you think along the same lines to a similar conclusion.

Please OP take your time. You have had your eye’s opened, they may not like what they see and there may be a bumpy ride ahead but at least they are open.

Post # 142
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee

I would never marry someone who dispalyed the utter lack of empathy your girlfriend has. No matter how “great” the connection was. 

You don’t realize how important empathy is until you endure a relationship with someone who doesn’t have it. It’s impossible for that relationship to remain healthy over time. 

Post # 143
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

Someone mentioned that all women want to be the center of attention after an engagement, and I’d like to firstly say, that’s not true. Second, I think there’s been a lot of confusion between anxiety and selfishness. I have anxiety, but I cannot think of a time when I’ve acted like what has been described here. My anxiety doesn’t make me want to be the center of attention all the time, as a matter of fact, it does the opposite. I don’t like being the center of attention. Lastly, OP, I just want to say I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s apparent to me that you really love this girl and I’m so sad that things have transpired in this manner. I think the worst bit is her saying she wishes you both hadn’t gotten engaged. I think that really speaks volumes about your relationship. I can’t imagine ever thinking that. The two of you and your future together should be more important than the attention you get. I hope you both figure it out, but I think she will have a difficult life until she becomes less selfish.

Post # 145
Member
2798 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

socalwaves :  Oh bee, I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve been through recently and that things had to end this way. But you said it yourself at the end of your post, the events that have happened are a blessing in disguise so you could see her true colours before pledging your lives to one another. You sound like an incredibly thoughtful and sweet person who very much values their partner as well as their family, and I know that you will definitely find someone who deserves you some day soon. All the best for the future, and please update us about your life down the road if you’d like. <3 

Post # 146
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I am so sorry that you had to end it like that. But, I think to end it now was far better than to move forward with the wedding. 

Post # 147
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Wow. I have no words. I’m so incredibly sorry bee. I’ve been following your story and I just want you to know that you are so courageous and so strong! It’s amazing how you’ve handled such a shitty situation with so much dignity. You have learnt some important lessons and going forward I know things will be better. Give it time. You know you did the right thing – no question, and it’s worth it. You deserve so much better. I’m sending you a virtual hug.

Post # 148
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee

I am so, so sorry for all that you have gone through. The next little while will be hard and you will run the gamut of emotions but your family will be there for you I’m sure to help you come out the other end. 

I know it is not what you want to hear right now, but somewhere out there is a woman who will be loving, kind and considerate of others and she will make you very happy, just as you will make her.

Post # 149
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Oh dude… this whole thing is just… so much.

You deserve so much better. Your family deserves so much better. I’m glad you’re seeing the light and I’m glad that, from the sounds of it, you’ve got a really stable support network to help you through this transition and into a better future.

Your now ex sounds soooo much like my brother’s ex. She was so freaking manipulative and everything was always about *her* feelings. He wasn’t allowed to have any feelings or opinions, and certainly wasn’t allowed to lodge even the slightest criticism against her, no matter how reasonable and no matter how hard he tried to dance lightly on those eggshells. You simply can’t win with someone like that – either you end up a shell of the man you once were, or you break up and move on. I’m glad you chose the latter.

Be strong. It’s good that you have your family spreading the word on your behalf – having spread the word that the wedding is off makes it that much easier to stick with the decision. And of course, don’t hesitate to keep posting here. Sometimes you need perspectives from people who have no emotional investment in your situation. We are all more than happy to do that for you.

Post # 150
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

socalwaves :  I know this is really hard to go through but I do believe you have the peace of mind knowing you did the right thing. That will go a long way in carrying you through the ups and downs of the break up. In a way her last parting piece of calling and spoiling your brothers engagement plans just helped you all to know she wasn’t right for you or your family and now everyone can move on. I am sure your brother knows this wasn’t your fault at all and if I was in his shoes i would be happy and relieved that you got away from your EX. Even if the price was spoiling his suprise I bet he knows that was worth paying to see you free from her. 

It took a lot of courage for you to break it off and I think that is great. As for your ex, that relationship wouldn’t have been healthy or fulfilling for her either. Just as much as you deserve to be with someone who cherishes you, she deserves to be with someone she can’t steam roll with demands because that kind of relationship would only lower her as well as the other person. Hopefully she gets the help she needs, and matures with time. 

The best course of action from here out is to really sever all ties with her cold turkey. Id suggest that after you get any logistical things sorted out like moving etc. You block her number and email, and social media accounts. She might be the type to try and manipulate you further at the very least she probably will try to lash out and wound you by saying horrible things. You don’t need to give her a means to do so. I would also suggest that any of your family and close friends be told to block her as well and that if she does say something to them that they keep it to themselves as you don’t need to hear it. 

You will find someone who is kind, who gives just as much as she takes, and would be a great addition to your family. Don’t be tempted to think this was it, or that you will have a hard time finding that person. That simply isn’t true. You are walking away with the tools to see behavior for what it is, and the strength to insist you deserve better. She can’t take any of that away from you. And when your brother proposes and you have that great holiday time together as a family just know that the happiness you see between them is yours too. Know that Love isn’t limited or used up. Your brother and his fiance are proof it is there, and it can be yours too when you find that person. Hugs!! 

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