- Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA
What she’s doing to you is callied emotional blackmail. She is intentionally hurting you because she’s not getting her way.
I understand she is hurting, and I believe anyone is entitled to their feelings. You showed her nothing but love, understanding, and respect, even when disagreeing with her. That’s what one should expect from a loving partner. Instead, she has used tears, threatens, and hurtful words with the clear intention of making you feel bad, of hurting you. That alone to me requires a “come to Jesus” talk.
You love her. She probably has good qualities. This behavior she displayed, though, is toxic and must not be reinforced, indulged, or enabled. You must let her know her she was 100% out of line when she said you shouldn’t have proposed. That was mean and manipulative.
She might not even be aware of how toxic and mean she has been. She is convinced she is the victim. Since there’s no victim without someone being the villain, she’s putting you in that position. That’s unfair. She is probably used to getting what she wants and has learned this strategy works in her favor. You might have reinforced that yourself, unknowingly, in other occasions. You need to open her eyes.
“She’s now saying she’ll hold a grudge against my brother for years” —> say: that is unfair to me and to my family. You are not in the right. What you want is not fair.
“she’s upset he wasn’t listening” – say: he was listening, but we all disagree. What you asked for is unreasonable.
“she wished I hadn’t proposed to her,” – say: how can you use words like that to hurt me? If you mean what you say, this means we should no longer be engaged until we figure out a healthy way to deal with all of this.
“that I need to ask my dad to get involved” – say “you are in the wrong here. I’m sorry you feel sad, but that doesn’t mean you are right.”
”I need to figure out “who’s team I’m on,” – say “I’m on your team as long as you are fair. You are not being fair to my family or to myself. You are making this all about you. Our engagement is not just yours. It’s mine too.”
“she’ll be cancelling the engagement photos” – say “please realize this is childish. You are threatening to cancel that as a means to get your way. That’s emotional blackmail and that’s unfair to me.”
“she doesn’t want to attend Thanksgiving and wants to disinvite her parents” – say “You are actively choosing to ruin our happiness and our relationship over something unreasonable like that. I’m starting to see a side of you I didn’t know was there and that I don’t like. That is not the person I fell in love with.”
You are not guilty. Her previous traumas and history are not your fault. It’s not your duty to fix everything wrong that happened to her in the past. Life is unfair, and you are a fair partner. She has to realize she’s not being one herself.