Female Perspective Please- Engagement Stealing Spotlight?

posted 11 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

Shes being very immature and self-centered. She actually should be a litlte happy she could have someone to talk to that is going thru the same planning for a wedding and everything that surrounds that.  If she’s in her 30’s – she has some growing up to do prior to becoming a Wife and Mother. 

Your brother does NOT need to wait to propose to his girlfriend and your fiance has no business to ask such a thing…. You guys hve to have a serious convo and let everything out and hopefully she can get over it like an adult! Good luck buddy!

Post # 47
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I reread your post several times and I’m going to offer a somewhat different perspective than most of the Bees. I can see why she would be frustrated that your brother is planning to propose over Thanksgiving, although I don’t think she is handling her feelings in the best way.

My impression is that your fiancee is worried that if your brother gets engaged at Thanksgiving, all of the attention and happiness is going to go to the two of them instead of the two of you – rather than her and SIL sharing the spotlight, it will be all about SIL because the novelty of your engagement has worn off. What are the dynamics with your family? Does she feel like she has to compete with your Future Sister-In-Law or like your Future Sister-In-Law is “the favorite”? Saying she wanted “just one holiday season” sounds like there is some issue with her feeling inadequate or ignored in your family that she hoped would not be the case with the engagement.

Does she have siblings? I am an only, so I am used to having the spotlight on me. My SO has siblings and it is still really weird to me to see attention spread out over multiple kids because I literally can’t imagine my parents loving anyone the way they love me.

I could be totally off base with this and your fiancee could be a total narcissist, but I thought maybe you’d benefit from a different perspective.

Post # 48
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

Did she know you were waiting for your sister to be married to propose? If she had to wait for one of your siblings, I can kind of understand the expectation that she would have her own time. 

BUT, I think this would be a deal breaker for me. You are engaged and planning a wedding! Instead of being happy, excited, in love, she is focusing on negatives. She is focusing her attention on jealousy, unhappiness, manipulaiting others with her emotions. How exhausting and sad. Life is full of milestones, and this attitude won’t go away. 

Post # 49
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

What she’s doing to you is callied emotional blackmail. She is intentionally hurting you because she’s not getting her way.

I understand she is hurting, and I believe anyone is entitled to their feelings. You showed her nothing but love, understanding, and respect, even when disagreeing with her. That’s what one should expect from a loving partner. Instead, she has used tears, threatens, and hurtful words with the clear intention of making you feel bad, of hurting you. That alone to me requires a “come to Jesus” talk. 

You love her. She probably has good qualities. This behavior she displayed, though, is toxic and must not be reinforced, indulged, or enabled. You must let her know her she was 100% out of line when she said you shouldn’t have proposed. That was mean and manipulative.

She might not even be aware of how toxic and mean she has been. She is convinced she is the victim. Since there’s no victim without someone being the villain, she’s putting you in that position. That’s unfair. She is probably used to getting what she wants and has learned this strategy works in her favor. You might have reinforced that yourself, unknowingly, in other occasions. You need to open her eyes.

 

“She’s now saying she’ll hold a grudge against my brother for years” —> say: that is unfair to me and to my family. You are not in the right. What you want is not fair. 

“she’s upset he wasn’t listening” – say: he was listening, but we all disagree. What you asked for is unreasonable.

“she wished I hadn’t proposed to her,” – say: how can you use words like that to hurt me? If you mean what you say, this means we should no longer be engaged until we figure out a healthy way to deal with all of this.

“that I need to ask my dad to get involved” – say “you are in the wrong here. I’m sorry you feel sad, but that doesn’t mean you are right.”

”I need to figure out “who’s team I’m on,” – say “I’m on your team as long as you are fair. You are not being fair to my family or to myself. You are making this all about you. Our engagement is not just yours. It’s mine too.”

“she’ll be cancelling the engagement photos” – say “please realize this is childish. You are threatening to cancel that as a means to get your way. That’s emotional blackmail and that’s unfair to me.”

“she doesn’t want to attend Thanksgiving and wants to disinvite her parents” – say “You are actively choosing to ruin our happiness and our relationship over something unreasonable like that. I’m starting to see a side of you I didn’t know was there and that I don’t like. That is not the person I fell in love with.”

 

You are not guilty. Her previous traumas and history are not your fault. It’s not your duty to fix everything wrong that happened to her in the past. Life is unfair, and you are a fair partner. She has to realize she’s not being one herself.

 

Post # 50
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

socalwaves :  I agree with everyone here. I am an only child and used to having all the attention and had a less than perfect family growing up. I’ve been in therapy for many years because I have a problem controlling my temper and with all of that said I cannot believe the audacity this woman has regarding this entire situation. Asking your brother to postpone his engagement crossed a line. That is extremely controlling and she’s acting entitled. She can’t control everyone’s lives. Says hurtful things like she wished you never proposed now has dampened your guys’ proposal when it should be a happy time. Your brother getting engaged should be a happy time as well and she’s forcing the attention to now be on her in a bad way. So selfish. So rude. So unacceptable it’s unreal. I would not be getting married to this woman. This could damage your family. No woman who can’t even see past herself is worth that. 

Post # 52
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I don’t have any good advice, you’re the only one who can decide for yourself how to proceed OP. But in case the four previous pages of validation aren’t enough: 

 

Post # 53
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

Boy you should run. She is completely out of line, and you have been way too accommodating of her demands. She in no way gets to dictate when your brother proposes. This would be a huge red flag, and the way she is disrespecting your engagement is horrible. 

Post # 55
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Well done OP! Good for you. You sound so put together and I’m so happy you’re standing up for yourself. I wish you all the best and I’m sending positive vibes. No matter how this goes – you will come out stronger and happier. Good luck with the talk. 

Post # 55
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

noobee92 :  did you reply to the wrong thread??

Post # 56
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Greenspot Farms

This sounds like boarderline personality disorder to me… which I also have.

It is a struggle to live with and I’m sure even more difficult to deal with but little things like this can really make us feel betrayed and then it causes us to act completely over the top.

 

I don’t have any advice to give you so I’m sorry, but I don’t think people just saying “shes crazy” are correct… 

Something deeper is clearly going on. 

I would maybe suggest talking to her about how her words, statements, and ultimatums are making you feel and taking away your engagement bliss.

Ultimately you can’t really argue or rationalize with someone who has boarderline personality disorder. The best thing you can try not to do is to not escalate them further.

Post # 57
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

So.. I can agree that she handled this poorly. But I can understand wanting one holiday with your family engaged before your brother proposed. Especially doing it in front of everybody. Not a season, but maybe a holiday. 

That said.. I think you did her a disservice by not telling her that he picked the day first and in some ways she is stealing the spotlight from you brother’s fiancé. Knowing that might change her opinion if you haven’t already told her.

Post # 59
Member
3790 posts
Honey bee

Way to go OP!  I hope that events unfold as they should.

Post # 60
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

socalwaves :  proud of you, dude! 

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