Female Perspective Please- Engagement Stealing Spotlight?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 76
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

OP how did the talk go? 

Post # 78
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This is the most mature resolution I’ve ever seen on here. Best of luck, you definitely are dealing with this the best way possible and I hope you are able to work it out.

Post # 79
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2021

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socalwaves :  Throughout the whole read all I pictured was a grown woman on the flooring kicking and crying. If you think this is stressful and difficult for you, wait until she starts planning the wedding. 

 

Good luck. 

Post # 80
Member
951 posts
Busy bee

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socalwaves :  You have been unusually calm and thoughtful through a very difficult situation. I’m not sure that she could do the same for you? Even with all the counseling in the world, it is unlikely she will be ready to meet you at this level of reason by next summer. 

I have anxiety. I’ve had several full panic attacks. And I see a therapist for self care. But I do NOT take out my stress or insecurity on my husband. Anxiety doesn’t make me manipulative, and it doesn’t impare my communication. What you are describing – and considering her difficult childhood you mentioned – sounds a lot like Boarderline Personality Disorder.

My brother, like you, is also kind, reasonable, calm, and very pragmatic. He dated a woman with Boarderline Personality Disorder for several years. It took him a long time to realize what he was up against. I suggest you look into a book titled “I hate you, don’t leave me” (the PDF is free online). If this book applies to your finace, then I STRONGLY suggest, for your own emotional well being, that you end this engagement. 

You’ve handled this so well!!!! You deserve to marry your peer! 

Post # 81
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Thanks for the good update! You are right this is a really great update for others in a similar situation to hear. You are really thinking this through with all the patience and love you can muster while also making sure you do what is right for yourself. 

Please keep us updated on how this turns out, all of us are very interested to see if she does do the work necessary to be a loving supportive partner to you or not. 

Hold on to that courage you have found and keep firm to what you know you deserve. Do that and no matter how it turns out you will be ok. Let us know how it goes! 

 

 

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socalwaves :  

Post # 82
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to get flamed for this but it’s the Internet so I don’t care.

You knew that closely spaced proposals would be potentially controversial, because you sought your brother’s (and your father’s) opinion to make sure it was okay with them. At no time did you think of addressing this with your fiancee to see how she felt about it? She clearly was not badgering you for a proposal (as she expressed “surprise” when you did it and may have preferred you wait until after your brother’s engagement. Maybe she wanted a holiday proposal, as both she and her dad hinted at. Maybe in light of this, she would have preferred you wait until next year. You discussed and okayed a proposal timeline with 3 people – all men – and not the woman getting proposed to. Why?

In all honesty, the way you talk about her in this entire thread comes across very demeaning and patriarchal. I wouldn’t be surprised if everything going forward is “That’s just your anxiety, honey” and none of her actual concerns ever get heard.

Also “cherished family stomping grounds” has this weird Kennedy-esque feel to it. Gross.

For both your sakes, I hope she gives you back the ring. Preferably at Thanksgiving.

Post # 83
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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whitecollarbee :  I feel you. I’m not condoning the fiancee’s reaction and subsequent behavior, but OP’s comments indicate that she was not privy to the engagement timeline at all, and I am sympathetic to that.

Both brothers felt “past due” to propose but decided to wait until after their sister’s wedding, presumably to not take any attention away from their sister. Yet they and their father are also in agreement that “You can’t put your life on hold for anyone else”? Anyone else besides their sister I guess. And with that, OP’s “tentative” plans to propose were suddenly perfect.

So OP’s sister had the summer for her wedding, and the brother and his fiancee get Thanksgiving at the Kennedy Compound. And OP got to propose when the “timing felt perfect” (to him and his brother at least). Sounds like OP’s fiancee got the short end of the stick here. Again, this doesn’t excuse her behavior or her attempt to deter the brother (it’s not his fault that OP decided to propose when he did). But I understand why it would bother her.

Also I hear you on the tone throughout. I think, regardless of whether they go their seperate ways, that they both could benefit from therapy (assuming OP is open to some self reflection). 

Post # 84
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

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girlfriendphd :  How did the OP’s fiance get the short end of the stick? They got engaged, which I assume is what she wanted since she accepted. 

Post # 85
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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needmorewine :  I am assuming she might have appreciated the same consideration in the planning and timing of the proposal that OP’s sister and brother received. OP first put off a proposal out of consideration for his sister’s wedding. He then consulted with his brother and father to make sure he wouldn’t step on their toes in some way. I saw no mention of talking to his fiancee or her family (besides asking for a blessing from her father, who then mentioned the holiday proposal). I didn’t see anything in OP’s comments that indicate he considered her plans or preferences at all. He didn’t tell her anything about his timeline, including that he was waiting until after the wedding.

And I disagree that if a woman gets a proposal and accepts then she should just shut up and be happy she got engaged. Again not condoning this fiancee’s behavior specfically, but more generally the idea that a woman should just be grateful that she got a proposal at all.

Post # 86
Member
951 posts
Busy bee

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whitecollarbee :  Wow – I totally respect your opinion – but I just don’t see this as patriarchal at all! 

I do think there are men who say “you’re just being emotional” or dismiss something as “anxiety”, but the OP doesn’t seem to be doing that. He read books on the subject to make sure he was communicating well and on her terms. That’s very proactive! 

This women is being competetive about something that should be good news. I don’t see that as the OP being condescending. If I were him, I would be baffeled by such an unmeasured responce to what should be a slam dunk for happiness. 

Post # 87
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

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girlfriendphd :  I don’t condone her behavior either, although there is one thing that (to me) is food for thought: As things are now, the fiancee has two choices:

1. Give up and accept that the brother is going to propose

2. Call off the engagement (and end the relationship in doing so)

So what is the way out? This is really a hopeless situation for the fiancee and – while I don’t condone her behavior – I can see someone acting this way as a response to a situation that doesn’t have a mutually beneficial solution. She probably feels trapped and knows she has to sacrifice what she wants if she wants to stay with OP.

You’re also spot on with the “just be happy he proposed” mindset. She has a voice too.

 

Post # 88
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

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skylar84 :  There’s just something about the tone of the posts that rubs me the wrong way, coupled with the way he handled the proposal plans (ie not consulting her). He sounds like he is “managing” her and doesn’t see her as an equal. I totally respect that you didn’t get that! It’s just how I read it through my eyes.

Post # 89
Member
5643 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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whitecollarbee :  coupled with the way he handled the proposal plans (ie not consulting her). He sounds like he is “managing” her and doesn’t see her as an equal.

Many couples get engaged without necessarily discussing time lines and that does not mean the man views his girlfriend as less than equal.  A lot of men don’t “consult” their girlfriend before proposing, a proposal is simply a question at the end of the day, why would you need to consult on asking a question?  

Post # 90
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

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girlfriendphd :  I see your point, however I don’t really agree. It doesn’t seem that she had any complaints about the proposal or it’s timing at all until she learned that she wouldn’t be the center of attention during the holidays. If she had wanted to put off the engagement just so she could get all of the attention for a longer period of time, my advice to the OP would be the same: run. I find it ridiculous and immature for adults to get hung up on being the center of attention, and that seems to be her only problem here. She probably would have had no problem with him proposing at Christmas, only a month after his brother’s proposal, yet she acts like its the end of the world if she only gets a month of attention.

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