Female Perspective Please- Engagement Stealing Spotlight?

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 91
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

zzar45 :  Apparently because everything regarding the proposal must be “perfect” according to the woman’s expectations, right down to the amount of attention whoring time she gets after the proposal.

Post # 93
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

needmorewine :  I agree that the fiancee is being childish in her reaction, and it should give OP pause.

I just agree with whitecollarbee that OP’s tone rubs me the wrong way as well, and he seems to have created this situation in part by valuing the perspectives of his family but not extending that forethought to his partner. Why was OP concerned about stealing thunder from his sister or brother, but not concerned about his fiancee feeling the same? Was it just a big misreading of the personalities involved to think that his family members would care about such a thing as thunder stealing, but his partner would not? Because the reality seems to be opposite (at least in terms of the fiancee and the brother; I suppose we don’t know how the sister or the brother’s girlfriend feels about it).

 

Post # 94
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Like others I couldn’t even get half way into your post without thinking your fiancé is absolutely crazy. People can get engaged whenever they want. The world doesn’t revolve around her. 

Post # 95
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

socalwaves :  Thanks for the context. I wrote my previous posts based on the scenario you initially described, which is a lot different than what you post in your update. Still, a conversation with her would have been warranted to make sure she had no problem with the timing of the engagements.

<em style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 11px; min-height: 0px;”>she was over the moon… until she found out my brother’s plans for getting engaged went from a “likely sometime in the next year” to “it’s happening at Thanksgiving.”

Well, yeah…”likely sometime in the next year” generally doesn’t mean “seven weeks from now”. She was caught off guard by the change of plans, which cast her expectations for her own experience in a completely different light.

If I were to give you the benefit of the doubt, I would say you just grossly misread the situation in not considering whether your fiancee would care about getting engaged so close to your brother. Along those lines, you say you spoke with your father and brother to see if there were any set-in-stone etiquette or traditions I might be walking into blindly. Here’s the thing…a lot of things like this aren’t about “set-in-stone traditions”, but the personal preferences of one or both halves of the couple. As an example – asking a woman’s father for her hand is a pretty “set-in-stone tradition” that lots of women, including the majority on this forum, are actually very much against. Tradition and etiquette are important but they only get you so far.

I did see your post regarding reading books on anxiety, and I commend you for your statement that you wouldn’t condone patronizing comments. However I do stand by my statement about the overall tone of your earlier posts.

Personally, I think you should:

– apologize to her for not proactively considering her feelings/opinions

– explain that there is no way to make it right at this point

– reiterate that you would like to go to counseling to improve your communication abilities

– (assuming she still wants to be engaged to you) find some way to spend time over Thanksgiving weekend exclusively with her and her family to avoid making that weekend all about your brother and his fiancee

– ask her what other things she was hoping for over the holidays and find a way to make some of those happen; maybe spend more time with her family

You do share some of the culpability for this situation and taking responsibility for that may go a long way in mending fences.

ETA: I’m not engaged but I’m in a similar situation with an SO + his brother + girlfriend re: engagement timing. Feel free to send me a PM if you would like to discuss it in more detail.

 

zzar45 :  “why would you need to consult on asking a question”

Because we both know it’s more than “asking a question”. A marriage proposal is a big deal that requires way more thought and contemplation than “Do you want chicken or pasta tonight”. Most people on these forums would agree that open communication about a couple’s shared future is the ideal, and while lots of couples don’t do it that way, many of us would be put off if we weren’t consulted at all in the process.

Post # 96
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yeah. I’ll vehemently disagree with whitecollarbee. If there is going to be a big surprise engagement moment…. there has to be some semblance of a surprise in there. Timing being the only real “surprise” factor in most engagements nowadays. 

By this measure, you’ll have zero autonomy on the decisions that are allotted to you.  She picks the ring, how it’s done & when it’s done… does she also get to dictate what you wear & how bended your knee needs to be (90 degrees or is 85 acceptable?) Perhaps a script would be in order, as well? And maybe your fiance should also expect to dictate how your brother proposes… after all, it can’t upstage the proposal you gave. Yeah. He’ll need to be wearing ratty jeans & kind of toss the ring at his girlfriend while waiting in the drive- thru line at McDonald’s. (Hyperbole, of course)

Post # 97
Member
5716 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

whitecollarbee :  You are making some leaps there.  They had discussed marriage, they had discussed their shared future, they had all the important conversations.  You are trying to turn OP into the bad guy for not asking “how close to my sister’s wedding do you want the proposal?” “how long do you need the spotlight to be on you 100%?” “How close to the holidays do you want the proposal?”

In my opinion those are not important questions at all, and just because OP picked how and when he proposed doesn’t mean he wasn’t considering his girlfriend in the process.  

Post # 98
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

whitecollarbee :  This is so completely off base. OP has nothing to apologize for, as he has done nothing wrong. She got her dream proposal and her time in the spotlight. There is nothing that he needs to make right with her. It isn’t his fault that she showed her true colors as a self absorbed brat. She, on the other hand, needs to make things right with the way she treated him and his brother. 

Well, yeah…”likely sometime in the next year” generally doesn’t mean “seven weeks from now”. She was caught off guard by the change of plans, which cast her expectations for her own experience in a completely different light.   

Part of being an adult is understanding that life doesn’t always turn out to match your expectations. The expectation that everything surrounding engagements and weddings must be absolutely perfect is getting out of hand. And what were her expectations anyway? That everyone would be fawning all over her and her alone for what could be the better part of a year? That’s a pretty disgusting attitude for an adult to have. 

 

Post # 99
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

jannigirl :   needmorewine :   zzar45 :  “Hey, my brother is planning to get engaged sooner than I mentioned. Are you okay with a proposal fairly close to theirs, or would you like to wait until next year?”

Also – “Do you want a proposal during the holidays” is a completely fair question to ask; not sure why it wouldn’t be?

I’m glad I have an SO who takes my feelings into account…as I’d do for him if I were the one popping the question.

Post # 100
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

whitecollarbee :  Thank you for providing a different side to this. Like you, I don’t condone or agree with the fiancee’s handling of the situation, but it is very easy on these boards to lose sight that there is another human being on the other end of this ordeal, and there is always more than one side to a story. Not some fictional monster or stereotypical bridezilla tearing at her hair and screaming like a banshee. No, that doesn’t necessarily justify or discredit things one way or the other, but it certainly does help when you’re trying to get to the bottom of an issue and save a relationship. It’s rare that things are ever as black and white as “Your fiancee’s cray!” It’s so easy to demonize people on the internet that you’ve never met.

Add in the hive mind that is so prevalent on here and you’ve got a recipe for a dumpster fire.

Post # 101
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

whitecollarbee :  Whether a proposal is close to someone else’s really shouldn’t matter. If someone feels so strongly about not wanting to share the spotlight with someone else, then they are not mature enough to be getting engaged or married and they need to grow up.

Post # 102
Member
4199 posts
Honey bee

Totally disagree with @whitecollarbee. You owe your fiance no apology, that’s ridiculous. What I don’t get is that most women seem so adamant the the proposal be a surprise, and that it’s the man’s job to propose. If that’s the case, the woman doesn’t get to control every damn thing about the engagement including whether other family members are getting engaged.

I can’t believe anyone would actually be upset over another family member getting engaged. Spread the joy! Bottom line, a proposal and engagement is an agreement between partners. It’s not a starring role in a movie where you get first billing.

Post # 103
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would dump her. She sounds like she will cause you a lifetime of drama and everything will always be centered around her.

Post # 104
Member
5716 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

whitecollarbee :  Are you forgetting that OP’s fiancee was happy until she discovered his brother was going to get engaged two months later?  She wasn’t upset with the proposal not being around the holidays, she is upset she won’t be the only engaged person over the holidays!  She is asking fer Future Brother-In-Law to postpone his engagement by several months and you are tell the OP that he is the one who should apologize.  Two months is a long time, it is definitely long enough for her to be the center of attention. Do you think it is reasonable for her to ask OP’s brother to delay his plans until NEXT YEAR? 

The engagement is about both of them, if OP wanted to propose on vacation why is he wrong for that?  His fiance never mentioned wanting a holiday proposal before and yet you think out of the blue he has to ask her “do you want a holiday proposal?” What if he doesn’t want a holiday proposal?  Doesn’t the person going out and buying a ring and then being the one to pop the question get some control over how they do it? 

Post # 105
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think her behavior is from being self-centered and prone to drama, not from anxiety. I have lots of anxiety, but would never behave in the way that she did. 

I have lots of anxiety, but my spouse doesn’t have to handle me with kid gloves. It’s really my own issue to work through. I take medication and have worked with therapists and psychiatrists in the past. I feel like you accept some of her behavior and over-intellectualize some of it because you blame her behavior on the anxiety. I don’t think you should ever “excuse” poor behavior and say that it is because of her anxiety. 

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