Female Perspective Please- Engagement Stealing Spotlight?

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I can say the situation does suck – I am in a similar one, down to the anxiety (which I deal with myself).

My future SIL got engaged 3 days before her brother proposed to me. We had back-to-back vacations with both of our families, and her fiancé wanted to propose with her family around, and mine wanted to with my family there. Flash forward a few months and my future SIL moved up her 2020 wedding to Aug 2019, after we had set a September 2019 date for our wedding. And I took it personally (thoughts of shes stealing the spotlight, wants to be the center of attention…) for more longer than I am willing to admit, and was really offended. I can admit I cried to my mom about it. I felt overwhelmed and took it to heart, but came out the other side thinking rationally. 

But (almost) no one gets married out of spite. People get married because they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone else and want to celebrate this decision, and I cant blame her for wanting to shorten the length of time before she gets to marry her fiancé. 

You get a day (or a couple days, including showers and rehearsals) to be the center of attention.. And that is it. No one cares about your wedding as much as you two will, because it is your day. A wedding is a celebration, and if the weddings end up close to each other, then it is double the party. Your weddings may have, I would imagine, max 50% guest overlap, which may be hard on out of towners, but most people are wanting to celebrate you, and can make it work with a little accommodation if it becomes an issue. 

And bonus if your wedding is second and can borrow some decor from the first 😉

 

 

Post # 107
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

*slowly reads post*

*quickly gets mad*

OP, people like your fiancee are the reason the phrase “women are so petty” was coined. 

Post # 108
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

zzar45 :  Do you think it is reasonable for her to ask OP’s brother to delay his plans until NEXT YEAR?”

No and I already said I don’t condone her behavior. I do think it would have been reasonable for her to ask OP to delay their proposal, though.

 

Post # 109
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

npoliver :  Thank you for this. I knew I would be in the minority but like you said, it’s easy to forget that this is a real person. As I said in my first post (back on page 4 I think) she could be a total narcissist. But maybe she’s actually a normal person who just got really upset about something that mattered to her. It’s also worth remembering that different people like and want different things. No one has to agree with you but hopefully the person you’re marrying would care.

Thanks for understanding!

Post # 111
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

whitecollarbee :  I’m sorry but OPs brother and future fiancé are really the only ones who get a say in when their engagement happens. Asking them to delay their engagement and wedding is a truly horrible thing to do. And obviously since they are already engaged delaying her own proposal isn’t an option so idk why you’re even arguing about that.

Personally, we got engaged two months after my future brother and sister in law. We had been dating for four years and it was time. If my future sister in law had told my fiancé to delay proposing because she wanted to feel special I would feel it as an enormous overstep. Luckily my future sister in law was incredibly happy for me and were having a ton of fun planning our weddings together. That’s how it should be.

Post # 112
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

OP I had to re read your ages because honestly it sounded like you are talking about a teenager. I can sympathise with a shitty childhood but it’s absolutely no excuse for her behaviour now. She’s putting a dampner on not only your engagement but the engagement of a loved one too! As far as I am concerned someone who is truly happy in their own life can express happiness for those around them no matter the “timeline.” 

Post # 113
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee

I appreciate whitecollarbee’s alternative perspective. It helps to compare and contrast view points.

After giving it some serious thought, I agree with the majority. It sounds like OP gave his fiance’s wants very very serious thought. He was very considerate in choosing the place, and I’m guessing went to great expense to bring her on an international trip, and also to buy her the expensive jewelry to “dupe” her. 

AFTER giving careful thought to what he thought his girlfriend would want and like, he then went a step further and asked the father if there was anything ELSE he should be aware of before pulling the trigger.

All of this sounds very considerate and thoughtful.

From all angles, this looks like a dream proposal that ANY woman would be lucky and happy to get. No, I’m not saying “she got a proposal, so she’s lucky and should shut up.”

I’m saying that it sounds like OP gave his fiance the EXACT proposal she literally asked for, and that any woman would/should be happy in that situation.

And it sounds like she WAS happy about it. She was on cloud 9. She felt lucky, special, fawned over, etc. 

Until she found out her time in the limelight would be “limited” by someone else’s happiness. THAT’S when she became upset.

And that’s so unattractive. That’s so petty and mean and selfish.

You have to be SEVERELY lacking in self-esteem to be jealous at THIS level. 

The important thing here is that she’s engaged and they can start planning their wedding. What she’s choosing to focus on, instead, is how much she can milk this milestone for attention. She’s making their engagement about herself, and in the most superficial, immature way possible. 

OP, I think you’ve handled this very very well. And I’m sorry to say, but I don’t foresee this ending in a wedding. She has agreed with your stance only after many many long hours of arguing. And it sounds like she only came around in the end half-heartedly (you triggered me.)

She’s a selfish person who is only thinking of herself. She won’t change overnight. She may not change ever.  That’s a pretty foundational core personality trait. She might go through with the therapy and put her mask firmly back on for the limited amount of time it will take to trick you into meeting her at the altar, but she won’t really have improved. 

Please read up on narcissism and BPD and manipulative people in general. Please watch her closely for signs of a mask slipping. Someone THIS batshit crazy will NOT truly change.

Post # 114
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

needmorewine :  Because maybe that’s what she wanted. All of you saying “doesn’t her fiance get a say in when he proposes” yes he does, but he should take her wishes into account as well and if she wants a bigger gap between them and her ILs, then they should have found a compromise.

This is literally something I’ve discussed with my own SO.

Post # 115
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

Maybe someone else said this…maybe not. I didn’t read the entire thread however I felt a need to respond to this:

 

whitecollarbee :  “Still, a conversation with her would have been warranted to make sure she had no problem with the timing of the engagements.”

 

No. That makes no sense. They both knew they were ready to be engaged. Had his brother not willingly offered his time line, the OP would have been none the wiser. Basically what you’re saying is that all people who are considering getting engaged soon must check with all of their friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family members, etc and make sure that they have no plans to get engaged soon? And if they are getting engaged soon, fuck your surprise, fuck your planning, fuck the fact that you both agreed you wanted to go to the next step and get engaged. Fuck all of that – no sir – you need to make sure that your soon to be fiance is ok with someone else getting engaged a few months later?  

 

It’s like if me and my fiance wake up today and decide to buy car. But before I do that, I have to make sure all of our friends/family/whoever are not doing the same (despite them being right around that car buying age!). If they are doing the same, I really need to check with my significant other to make sure they are ok with buying a new car at the same time one of our friends is. That’s crazy town. 

 

OP – I’m glad that you stood your ground and you seem content with the outcome for now. That being said, I would Nope the fuck out of a relationship where my partner said they wished I never proposed…..because get this!!!!Someone else in your family is getting engaged around the holiday!!??!!!!…. 

Post # 116
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

beebee147 :  If he didn’t know about his brother’s plans then he was none the wiser and it’s not a problem. But he did know and he didn’t run it by her and you can think that’s however unreasonable as you want, but the simple fact is that not everyone thinks like you. To most people this probably wouldn’t be a big deal but some people care.

If I didn’t have a specific wedding date in mind and my ILs asked me if I could delay the wedding a few months to space them out, I’d totally do it. My Future Sister-In-Law didn’t want to share the spotlight? Sure I get that. Maybe a bit of a prima donna but I’m not going to get pissy over it.

Post # 117
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

whitecollarbee :  Her only reason for delaying the engagement would be based on selfishly wanting more time in the spotlight. That is nowhere close to being reasonable.

Post # 118
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

whitecollarbee :  “If he didn’t know about his brother’s plans then he was none the wiser and it’s not a problem. But he did know and he didn’t run it by her and you can think that’s however unreasonable as you want, but the simple fact is that not everyone thinks like you. To most people this probably wouldn’t be a big deal but some people care.”

 

My point is why would he ever even think to run it past her? She doesn’t need to grant permission for his brother to get married/engaged/have kids, etc. A logical person would likely never consider that you “need” to run this past your partner. A logical person would say:

It’s my brother. He’s getting engaged months after us. My brother is not proposing to my fiance. so what does it matter?

 

I got engaged in August. Within a week or two, the conversation had shifted from “how did he propose” back to regular life!! The only ones who care to celebrate your engagement for months on end are you and your fiance. This idea that people need to be the center of attention is crazy. It’s a engagement. You’re not curing cancer. 

Post # 119
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

beebee147 :  x1000. “You’re not curing cancer”

Hahaha!

Post # 120
Member
792 posts
Busy bee

Okay so like I’m a bit crazy, really quite nuts to be honest (anxiety and the PDA form of autism) I moved our entire wedding day in order to start trying for our second baby earlier, and got upset when people then couldn’t come (like actually upset not angry, and not at other people just at the fact both of our best friends couldn’t come to our wedding, I’m over it and I never said it to anyone but my fiancé) just to give some context here. I haven’t read all the replies (I read about 3 pages worth) but I did read the entire post. 

 

I think shes being incredibly unreasonable and immature. And I would also (as PP’s have said) be questioning my desire to marry her if it were me. Like same day? big problem, announced the same day? Also big problem, but 2 MONTHS after? Great! Some one to share wedding planning ideas with! 

 

If you want to stay with this lady then try and get her to understand she’s being unreasonable, show her this thread (your post came across very loving and caring not bitchy like it could have done, so I wouldn’t worry there) there’s not a single woman on here who agrees with her (as far as I’ve read) and these are woman from all sorts of backgrounds (a few mentioning a similar sounding childhood to your partners) 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors