Female Perspective Please- Engagement Stealing Spotlight?

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 121
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Hi,

Reading your story made me feel very sad… I really don’t want to be disrespectful to your fiancee since I don’t know her and I can imagine that hurts you even more to hear people saying she is “crazy” or a “bad” person etc. (and doesn’t help you anyway)…

But like other bees mentionned, maybe you must take some time to think about your needs and wishes and whether this person ist the right for you (or in other words, if this relation is good for both of you). If you love her and are sure you want her to be your wife, please don’t forget to take care of you too. Consider having one or two sessions of couple therapy, so that you can have a dialog with her and also express your feelings.

I know that it may be difficult to convice her if she doesn’t want any “therapist” interaction, so maybe you could think of anybody who may have a good influence on her (like a friend of her?) and ask this person if she could have a conversation with your fiancee?

You cannot always be the supportive one because you are not her doctor, your girlfriend needs help and she must want to get help and to work on her insecurities because that is, I think, the only way. Good luck!

 

EDIT: sorry I posted my comment without reading the whole, so I came a bit late ^^

Post # 122
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I’m kind of old and, while I’m a happy optimist for the most part and tend to believe the best of people as a default,  the older I get the more cynical I’ve become about a person’s ability to change a basic personality trait. Tweak it, yes, but override it completely? Not often.

Your fiancee’s reaction was both irrational and thoroughly selfish. She lashed out and had no care of your feelings or family relationships, either. You may have checked her in the short term and given her a better understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour was but she’s still the same person who thinks in that odd way and who reacts to her feelings by punishing you and minimising her responsibility to control her emotions.

I think all that will happen is that she will become a bit smarter about how much of her inner selfishness and self-absorption she will reveal to you and she will use more subtle tools and weapons to get what she wants. This is a fully grown woman of 30, not a young woman only recently out of the mindset of her teens. She’s telling you who she is, believe her. 

There will be fewer tantrums while she’s on her best behaviour to keep you reeled back in, but expect more covert kinds of unhealthy manipulations, including dripping poison in your ear about people you care about. 

You love her and you hope she changes with your help and support. Frankly, I think you should cut your losses but I can’t really fault you for trying.  Good luck.

Without making assumptions about your personal life I also suggest that you ensure you are in full control of your fertility at all times.

Post # 123
Member
15 posts
Newbee

socalwaves :  Hi OP! Looks like you’ve gotten 9 pages of advice, and I admittedly didn’t read all of them and probably not all of your subsequent posts. Many responses just seemed in the same vein aka “your fiancee is psycho and you shouldn’t marry her etc etc”

I believe in recognizing that people don’t always behave rationally or maturely or well but that doesn’t make them a bad person or a bad partner. Being a good partner means accepting the flaws that we all have and working together. Sometimes we lash out at the people we love the most and need to work through that.

Weddings/engagements are highly charged emotional times that mean a lot to the people closest to them in ways that they don’t always even realize consciously. It seems like you’re being very empatheic to your family and your fiancee so kudos to you. 

I don’t think your fiancee is behaving well, but I get why she’s disappointed. Not necessarily because she begrudes sharing the “spotlight” or someone else’s happiness or wants months and months of fanfare, but because this holiday with her family and your family soon after being engaged she probably envisioned as an almost engagement party. A celebration of the two of you, of your families coming together, very festive and loving and a moment for her to soak it in with her family. Especially if she had a difficult childhood and maybe has complicated relationships or feelings with her family, this holiday with her engagement could hold a lot more meaning to her than just being selfish and wanting all the attention on her because she’s a brat.

I know that’s not what this is, it’s a holiday that everyone is sharing, and I understand the timeline of the engagement planning, but I get why she’s disappointed that what she thought would be a side celebration of the two of you is likely going to be more focused on the bright and shiny new engagement of your brother. Maybe she felt like she never got enough attention or love as a child and this is bringing up very deep seated issues because it mirrors those feelings.

It’s not attractive, but I get it. We’re all human and sometimes we have unattrative thoughts and feelings. 

Clearly she has issues controling her emotions and lets them spiral to dark places. That’s bad and can be really damaging but it’s pretty common and can be worked on in therapy successfully. Most people need therapy for something :). 

Have you considered throwing a low key engagement party in the next few weeks before the holiday? That way you can have a public /friends/family celebration and get that fresh engagement glow without feeling it’s been overshadowed and is now old news in the family.

Post # 124
Member
4199 posts
Honey bee

Tainui :  +1

OP, you can’t change someone’s personality. It’s ingrained. There’s a big streak of selfishness that exists within her and she’s willing to take out people close to you in pursuit of what she wants. This is what the self-centerec person does. I’m afraid you’re being a bit (ok, a lot) naive to think that your discussion changed her outlook. I guarantee it did not.

Post # 125
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

takeoutqueen :  “this holiday with her engagement could hold a lot more meaning to her than just being selfish and wanting all the attention on her because she’s a brat.”

“I get why she’s disappointed that what she thought would be a side celebration of the two of you is likely going to be more focused on the bright and shiny new engagement of your brother.”

“It’s not attractive, but I get it. We’re all human and sometimes we have unattrative thoughts and feelings.”

All of this. You articulated my thoughts perfectly.

Post # 126
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

whitecollarbee :  I agree with this, but only to the extent that it excuses her feeling this way. It does not in any way excuse the way she actually acted out and handled those feelings.

This man clearly cared enough to go above and beyond to make it a special proposal. And you are saying he owes her an apology because he didn’t think to run every conveivable issue by her? That is just the definition of entitlement, and him apologizing would just be enabling her temper-tatrum behavior.

Heck, my fiance proposed while drunk at my best friends wedding reception. No bells and whistles or grand guestures, but he knows I’m not into all that, and just the mere spontaneity and sincerity of it made it very special for me. (And for those of you who may say we were the thunder steelers, we were off sitting in the grass by ourselves and are keeping it a secret for a few weeks until I get my ring lol).

OP’s fiance did it on a romantic getaway on the beach with mountains and boats and I’m sure little cupids flying above with rainbows shooting out of their butts, and she throws THIS BIG of a fit over the timing? She turned what could have been a very human disapointment about a little spotlight sharing, into full blown ruining the entire engagement for not only herself, but for the seemingly wonderful man who tried his darndest to make it as special as possible.

I don’t think it’s fair to demonize her for her feelings. But there is a line and she crossed it.

Post # 127
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

afrat240 :  “This man clearly cared enough to go above and beyond to make it a special proposal. And you are saying he owes her an apology because he didn’t think to run every conveivable issue by her? That is just the definition of entitlement, and him apologizing would just be enabling her temper-tatrum behavior.”

YES. I think we can all empathize with how she is feeling, everyone is entitled to how they feel! BUT how she acted on those feelings just shows a whole new level of emotional immaturity. The level of someone who is very likely not ready to be married. 

Post # 128
Member
4199 posts
Honey bee

katecod12 :  No, I can not empathize with how she’s feeling, but I was brought up to realize it’s not all about me. It seems like fewer people were raised this way than ever before. They all think they’re “special”.  Well, no, you’re not. You’re just another person getting engaged.

Post # 129
Member
2307 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, you sound like a truly wonderful person. I hope everything works out for the best for you. 

Post # 130
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

sunburn :  No, I can not empathize with how she’s feeling, but I was brought up to realize it’s not all about me. It seems like fewer people were raised this way than ever before. They all think they’re “special”.  Well, no, you’re not. You’re just another person getting engaged.

This x 1000

Do people still gush over someone’s engagement months after the fact? That’s never happened with anyone I’ve known. After the initial congratulations when the engagement is announced life goes back to normal and the engaged couple is no more special than anyone else. Why would it still be a big deal during the holidays months later? Why would anyone expect the holidays to serve as some sort of unofficial engagement party as an above poster alluded to?

 

 

Post # 131
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I read half of your post.

I think everyone can agree that she is acting selfish and immature.

I never understand why some people turn so cray after being engaged/wedding planning/etc.

It’s like, EVERYONE does it. The world does not stop just because of YOU.

Post # 132
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

You are signing up for a lifetime of bullshit. I’d get the ring back if I was you. What an entitled little brat. She sounds 20 not 30. You get one fucking day. 

Post # 135
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

So what do you plan to do now that you’ve seen this ugly side of her?  I do understand that some women go absolutely bonkers about getting engaged/married, but I’ve never known any.

 I’m curious if anyone has known any women personally who were relatively normal women, went bat shit, then became normal again-or did they just hide their crazy beforehand and stayed nuts afterwards. 

Honestly I think you may have been a bit too understanding at first.  If she had been my best friend I would have stopped her at go and told her she’s losing control of herself.  Maybe she spiraled because y’all kinda validated her crazy talk. NOT that y’all did ANYTHING wrong. 

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