I’ll just start by sending you some kind wishes on your situation with your SO. Thanks again for a different perspective (in the face of disagreements from other posters). Attempting to put myself in your shoes for a bit and sitting with a different perspective for a day or so opened my eyes up even more to things about her I hadn’t even considered. Truthfully, I may not have considered this (or at least as quickly) had you not said anything.
Re: your perspective “Still, a conversation with her would have been warranted to make sure she had no problem with the timing of the engagements.”…
In fairness you’re now running into additional, previously undisclosed context that didn’t come to the forefront of my mind to even consider posting at first, but I have more clarity on it now from looking at it from a different perspective. More and more I’m realizing, just as I have done on other lesser occasions with her before this incident, I can be too shell shocked and/or surprised and confused to think straight and see all the facts in front of me…so I had halfway forgotten she even said this.
Here’s the added context: After my fiancé learned of my brother’s tentative engagement, she expressed on more than one occasion (among other things which you’ve already read) she was now “dealing with my brother getting engaged on top of sharing the moment with her sister planning on getting engaged next March.”
I had no idea she felt this way until after I proposed + she heard about my brother’s proposal plans.
This is where it hit me…
As you know from my prior posts, she had been thinking I’d be proposing later on in the year than I proposed. She expected I’d propose around the holidays of Thanksgiving or Christmas (which, depending on the holiday, that’s a timeline of 3-5 months between our engagement and her sister’s upcoming one).
If she was going to be upset with an approx. 3-5 month time spacing between her sisters engagement and the time she expected me to propose to her, why didn’t she express this in the face of knowing full well she expected me to propose? It’s not like she didn’t bring the subject up multiple times that her sister was going to get engaged (i.e. have no opportunity to talk about it).
She didn’t express any dissatisfaction to me at all knowing the possibility I may choose Christmas as a proposal date while also knowing her sister was planning on getting engaged three months later.
I feel here the conversation then boils down to one or more of the below:
a) she was going to have some level of concern sharing an engagement with her sister whether or not my brother was getting engaged, too. Whole other rabbit hole.
b) if she was going to be upset in some capacity with an overlapping engagement with her sister, an overlap which occurs after the year-end holidays, then we’re not just talking about “sharing the holidays” being the totality of the concern here. I assume sharing the holidays with my family had to be a huge part…but again, this goes beyond that.
c) if she felt that strongly about the potential for her sister’s engagement overlapping with an engagement from me- an engagement we now know she wholeheartedly expected- in no way did she even hint at it. Ever. That feeling was sitting inside her totally unknown to me (if indeed it’s not tying into “D”).
d) she doesn’t really mean that at all about her sister, but is throwing it out there as some kind of added justification, which is worrisome by itself.
Even so, if you don’t mean it, why bring it up on more than two occasions?
e) Others have asked the question “how does my fiancé get along with my brother’s girlfriend?”… Answer: she had previously expressed a mild-distaste for my brother’s girlfriend that has escalated after she found out about my brother’s tentative engagement (though before my brother’s engagement news she initiated hang out sessions with her alone/we’ve all hung out multiple times no problem). I’m not going to post my fiancés justifications because I now realize it’s the pure definition of petty and it’s not worth even explaining it. But for the sake of timelines here I’ll just note I wasn’t aware of the depth of these feelings either until after the proposal.
I understand, wholeheartedly, it’s important to make your soon-to-be-fiancé a part of the process of getting engaged. She was there.
She was there all those nights reading the “pre-marriage book” I bought for us and she repeatedly made it vocally known she was ready to be engagement, she was there for numerous engagement ring shopping trips so I could understand the exact style of ring she wanted, she was there for those conversations about the perfect engagement spots where I was able to hear her words when she suggested the place she ultimately got engaged to and then, if not equally importantly, I was there to know her heart enough to know how to still make all three of those things- the proposal, the ring and place she’d get engaged at- all still a surprise. Given that, if she had even hinted at feelings of “not wanting overlapping engagements” with her sister –which is her responsibility to explore her own feelings and disclose, if not for among other reasons because, as you mentioned, it’s not a commonly held view, so it can’t be expected by the person proposing in most circumstances- then it’s safe to say I would’ve been there to pick up on this, too.
I also totally understand, can, do and will empathize with someone having <u>initial </u>feelings of being put off because of sharing the “engagement spotlight” (even if I respectfully don’t personally agree with that view in the majority of contexts) so long as those feelings are expressed constructively and not used as a justification to take pain out on others. I 100% agree everyone is entitled to their feelings.
But there’s a line in the sand where I can’t be a mind reader, and there’s a line in the sand where one has a hard time not wondering if the same immaturity that is causing her to act out is the same immaturity that made her feel those “engagement spotlight” feelings in the first place.