Post # 1
The ceremony logistics planning is a long way away (we haven’t even chosen a date yet!) but this is something that’s already been weighing on my mind.
I consider myself a feminist- I am my own person, and I belong to nobody but myself. I belong to me, and thus no one else has the ‘right’ to give me away, including both of my parents. I was adament that my fiance not ask either of my parents before proposing to me- it was my choice and my decision to marry him, not theirs.
This obviously means that my Dad, who is a wonderful, kind, caring person who has helped me through a lot (both emotionally and financially), and who I am far closer to than my Mom, would not be walking me down the aisle. Despite my beliefs, I’m completely torn. My beliefs tell me that I am not my Dad’s or my parents’ property and that I should not be ‘given away’ like cattle. However, I also know the importance of Christian traditions to my parents (even if they won’t explicity admit it) and admittedly, a part of me wants him to be there to serve that role, too.
Has anyone dealt with this conflict before? I feel very lost.
This topic was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by kategf86.
This topic was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by kategf86.
Post # 2
- Wedding: November 2015 - City, State
I am a feminist as well and I am still planning on having my father (and mother) both walk me down the aisle. You’re allowed to be a feminist and still follow the traditions you want. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
I think part of being a feminist is about making choices that you are comfortable with. I don’t see it as my parents giving me away. I see it as them being there for me and supporting me as I enter the next chapter of my life. I want them there. Maybe you just need to change your perspective and you’ll feel beter about wanting your Dad to walk you down the aisle, because there’s nothing wrong with that IMO.
Post # 3
I think it depends on how you look at it, maybe you should look at it as him wanting to be there to show your family supports you and your decisions as an adult and if you want let your mom walk with you to, to make it more even, you can talk to your minister about not inclouding the part about giving you away, and make it about them just walking with you in love and support of you and your new husband
if your dad is that type of man he probably has been looking forward to walking you down the aisle for a long time
Post # 4
kategf86: Im sorry youre so torn. What if you looked at it a different way. Why cant your dad just accompany you down the aisle, not “give you away”. i like to consider myself a feminist but i dont think ive ever really looked at it that way-as in being owned. I had my brother (my father passed away) walk me down the aisle but i always seen it as a symbol for leaving my own immediate family to start my own with my husband. I hope this helps.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion
^^ “I see it as them being there for me and supporting me as I enter the next chapter of my life.”
Agreed. I am having both of my parents walk me down the aisle for this reason!
I would feel like I was perpetuating the “transferance of women as property from one man to another” tradition if it was just my father.
Post # 6
kategf86: “This obviously means that my Dad… would not be walking me down the aisle.”
What means that? Being a feminist? If that’s what you’re thinking, I disagree. I’m totally a feminist, but I see nothing wrong with someone’s dad walking them down the aisle. Maybe it USED to mean he was “giving her away” and maybe for some people it still means that, but for you, it could just mean you love your dad and want to give him a moment in the spotlight. Do what feels right to you. Best wishes. 🙂
Post # 7
Why does he have to “give you away”? Can’t he just walk you down the aisle without giving you away? Nothing says you have to do the whole” who gives this woman” thing. Skip that part and have him simply sit down.
Post # 8
Is the act so truly heinous though? It’s your father walking you to the next stage in your life. You don’t have to word it that he is “giving you away” (my father said if he got to do that he’d make a clause that there were no returns or warranties ) if it’s simply that it’s a “male” walking you down the aisle then have both parents walk you.
But really..I don’t see how a little tradition in your wedding is going to affect your views or feelings on feminism, or anyone else’s..
Post # 9
Like you said you are your own person you belong to no one else or their beliefs ….. so if you want your dad to walk you not because “hes giving you away” but, because you love him and he has always supported you & bc YOU WANT TO … thats a good enough reason for me
Post # 10
I walked down with my mum but also had my dad and stepdad walk in front of us in a whole host of walking! It wasn’t about being given away it was about sharing that moment with my family and showing respect for the importance of our relationships. I initially wanted to walk on my own for the same reason as you but I’m so so glad I didn’t. It was a really special and loving moment walking down the aisle with my family.
Post # 11
I remember our officiant asked us beforehand if we wanted her to say anything about who is “giving away this bride” at the start of the ceremony (No way, I was not into that), so this is how the start of the ceremony went: my mom walked me down the aisle and then she gave me a hug, then gave my Darling Husband a hug, went to sit down, then the officiant started the ceremony. To me that was a nice way to do it – would your officiant be able to exclude that “giving away” part for your ceremony? I don’t see the act of just walking down the aisle with you as inherently paternalistic, you can frame it in a different way that suits you! Or do as PP suggested and have both your mom and dad walk you down the aisle, that would be cool!
Post # 12
When I told my father I didn’t want to include any language about “giving me away” he was SO relieved! He was dreading the idea of giving me away, for precisely the reasons you described above. We eventually decided that he would walk me almost all the way, give me a big hug and kiss, have a seat, and let me take those last steps completely on my own. The symbolism was nice.
Despite my dad’s being so feminist and awesome, it still meant the world to him to escort me down the aisle. Ever since he became the father to a daughter, he imagined that moment and looked forward to it. To him, it wasn’t about a transfer of property, it was just a traditional daddy-daughter moment and a special role that he would get to play in the wedding day.
Post # 13
I don’t think you’re a feminist just because you don’t consider yourself property to anyone….I’m pretty sure almost everyone in America feels this way about themselves.
Why not have both your parents walk you down the aisle? That’s what I may do. Or walk down by myself. Not because I’m so concerned with people reading way into the meaning of my parents walking me down the aisle (which is normal and no one bats an eye at)…but just because I may prefer to be alone.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2015 - Redondo Beach Historic Library
My fiance and I will both walk down the aisle accompanied by our parents 🙂 That way it seems less like he’s the independent adult and I’m the child being delivered and more like we both are moving on into a new phase of life!
I think this is also just how Jews do it, incidentally.
Post # 15
My father is walking me down, but when asked “who gives this woman” he’s going to reply “She comes of her own will, with the support of her family behind her”. I think it’s a beautiful turn on a tradition that made me very uncomfortable was well.