Fertility issues straining our marriage

posted 2 months ago in TTC
Post # 2
335 posts
Helper bee

As a woman who cannot have kids, this is a sticky issue. I would hope that if I could conveive and my partner couldn’t, I would be open to adoption. So many kids need a loving home. But relationships are messy and for some people biological kids are a dealbreaker. Becoming more healthy and swimming will only do good, although it could have been phrased in a better way. Your relationship just doesn’t sound like it has much joy.

Post # 4
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

I am so sorr you are going through this. I do believe your wife is being unreasonable. While it would be important to me that you stuck to what the doctor advised, we all have to make compromises sometimes. For her to tell you to choose between her and your studies is unacceptable to me. The doctors have told you that you have a high chance of success with IVF, so why is that not an option? It can often take couples with no fertility issues a year to get pregnant, so for her to give you such an ultimatum with such a short time frame is really harsh.

Only you can decide what is worth it or not, but what happens if you quit your studies and follow the doctor’s advice and she still does not become pregnant? It sounds like she is big on the blame game, and that will not serve either of you well over the long term in marriage, whether you have children or not. Perhaps you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who values hypothetical children over her DH. I don’t know how she can rule out IVF, as even with perfect conditions, your sperm motility might not make things happen within her time frame.

Post # 5
1747 posts
Bumble bee

soul83 :  As someone who done IVF, it is NOT painful physically in any way (very painful emotional journey, but not physical). Women who really want kids go through multiple rounds of fertility treatments and do whatever it takes, it sounds like she is not really wanting it and uses it as an excuse

Post # 7
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’ve also done IVF – it’s a pain in the ass (sometimes literally) but it’s manageable. There’s nothing about lying in bed for two weeks after it, either. 

Be careful with taking any traditional Chinese herbs during these treatments. Most fertility specialists will tell you to avoid those completely, as they can have serious negative effects. 

Even though you have low sperm motility, they can do ICSI, which separates sperm from semen and increases the chances of fertilization. They can also add a chemical that will increase their motility to add to your chances of success. 

IVF is wild. It gave me a totally new appreciation for science, and for that matter, my husband as well. This process brings out some serious shit in the relationship, and it can be used as a catalyst to help you get to a more intimate place with a deeper understanding of each other.

I’m sorry to read she’s issued you an ultimatum about this. That just adds unnecessary stress to an already stressful situation. I would highly recommend asking your fertility specialist for recommendations for a couples’ therapist who sees couples going through IVF or fertility issues. 

Good luck!

Post # 9
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

soul83 :   I wouldn’t sleep in the spare room, it could just create a deeper divide. Plan a date for an afternoon or evening this week, something small to look forward to and sort of reset a little normalcy to the situation. I’m sorry you are going through this and she really shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum. I think bettering yourself in the nursing field would only be a strength for your family in the future and it’s not fair she is using it against you right now. How much time is left in your program?

Post # 10
4242 posts
Honey bee

soul83 :  we did IVF to have our daughter and honestly…some parts can be a little painful but not terrible and TOTALLY worth it for the babe currently sleeping on my chest. And not nearly as painful as pushing the kid out!  Her ultimatum is unfair, childish, and manipulative. Do you want to stay married to,someone like that? We also had a male factor issue and rather than get mad I supported my husband. HE received an upsetting medical diagnosis and wanted to have children and IVF was our only way. I can’t imagine piling on the guilt and garbage while he was also hurting. 

Post # 11
587 posts
Busy bee

soul83 :  Seeing your post history, I’m really concerned that your wife doesn’t seem to respect this marriage at all, starting from when you were newlyweds.

Have you gone to see some therapist together? I think having a child will only add to all your problems, not fix anything.

If it’s so easy for her to leave and is basically telling you that she has no problem with it, then maybe you should let her go.

Post # 12
14067 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just cause her tests come back normal doesnt mean she’s completely off the hook either.  My tests and my husbands tests are both great on paper, yet here we are 5 years later and still no child.  She’s being ridiculous.  In fact, if she’s going to be such a bitch about it and could be so resentful, I’d offer to just leave now and cut your losses.  This attitude of hers and trying to place blame and ultimatums is no way to deal with infertility.

Post # 13
152 posts
Blushing bee

I just read your previous posts and it honestly doesn’t sound like this horrible attitude of her’s is anything new. It took DH and I 3 years to get and stay pregnant, both of our tests came back normal so who’s to say what was the issue. I can’t imagine how it would make me feel if it had come back that my tests weren’t normal and that I was the reason we couldn’t conceive and he said those things to me. 

Are you actually happy in this marriage? If not, having a child isn’t going to fix things. Having a child is incredibly life changing but if you’re unhappy in the relationship, it only amplifies it. What happens if you do end up having a child and you have a disagreement about how to raise them? If she going to threaten you with divorce then too?

Post # 14
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow. She’s being a big jerk. Imagine if the doctor had identified fertility issues w/her, and she came on here reporting that her husband said he was going to divorce her if she didn’t “get healthy,” we’d all be up in arms in her defense. How awful for you; I’m sorry. 

We had fertility issues on both sides and the doctor went straight to IUI for us. I don’t know why your doctor isn’t recommended more proactive intervention for you guys, unless it’s that you are both below 35? 

This is not all about you and whether you are fit and drinking enough OJ. How ridiculous. I’d ask for more aggressive treatment, and if necessary, go to a different doctor. And be sure to tell her or him that you’ve been trying for 12 months with no success so that they’ll treat you without delay.

As for your wife, try talking to her. She’s likely feeling really upset at the idea that you guys might not have kids and is lashing out at you (quite unfairly). I’d start by listening to her concerns and acknowledging them, but also pointing out all the reasons to be hopeful (SO MANY infertility success stories w/people with way bigger hurdles than you, including me, and I have 2 kids now). And then, you know, tell her she might not want to threaten you with divorce for having low sperm morphology and not being able to swim every single day. Sheesh.

ETA: Sorry, just realized you said that your doctor IS recommending IVF and that your wife doesn’t want to do it, so… ignore most of what I said. 🙂 I don’t understand why she won’t do IVF if she wants kids with you. I think you guys need to have a serious talk about all of this, the sooner the better, and don’t be afraid to really get into it. She’s being very cruel to pin this all on you.

Post # 15
1583 posts
Bumble bee

soul83 :  soul83 :  I am currently going through IVF. We were told that DH had bad swimmers and it put a strain on our relationship but we powered through it. We just learned yesterday that after all the tests and everything looking perfect on my end that I am also a contributing factor and will have to get surgery soon. I could get pregnant (I haven’t yet) however I am at high risk of miss carrying. IVF sounds scary and the tests are not fun but I am doing whatever it takes to have a family. I also married my DH and realize if it doesn’t happen then it’s just not meant to be. Him and I are a team and we’re in this together. I think your wife is being cruel and unfair to you. If tables were reverse how would she feel? I also think everything that the doctors and your wife is having you do will not fix your issue. If it was as simple as what they’re claiming, all males would do it. I would have a talk with your wife and let her know how you feel. Honestly if she is still saying if she’s not pregnant by x amount of time, then you two parting ways may be better for you. It shows that you’re not a priority. Infertility sucks, it sucks real hard but you’re not alone. I’m sorry your wife is being super shitty.

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