Fertility issues straining our marriage

posted 2 months ago in TTC
Post # 47
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

solnishko1186 :  bugger off, you read what you want and understand what you want.

Post # 48
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

slothbear :  If I remember, you first quoted me. I dint quote you. sowhether you feel my comments are baseless or not . I didnt reference you. Allo wthe OP make his decisions from reading all our comments. My opinion and yours do not have to be remotely seen to be the same at aall. tahnk you

Post # 49
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

favoredone :  Actually, I replied to your post just to mention that OP has been married for 5 years, not 1 year as you stated. That was all. No argument.

But then you replied back to me with some random comment about divorce that came out of nowhere and was contrary to what I previously wrote.

This whole thing is just strange…

Post # 50
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

She is being v selfish.. She married you for who you are not for your sperms. If having children was so important but were having difficulties because of the sperm activity/count, she should consider IVF. Just because it is painful for her doesn’t justify it. Is divorce less painful? She’s probably finding it difficult to accept stress but she should be kind to you too because you would going through a major stress of finding out about the fertility test result. Spouse first. Kids second. It’s probably a question that you two should have discussed before marrying each other. However, it’s how it is, and she should try to resolve it rather than blame.

Post # 51
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee

favoredone :  Bugger on my friend, bugger on. . With your maturity level, I am definitely on it 😉

Post # 52
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

solnishko1186 :   Aye, we can always have an internet duel. It raises my adrenaline and obviously yours to fight with faceless,nameless people online 🙂

Post # 54
Member
5316 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

soul83 :  Sorry but what exactly is the point of this relationship? What are you getting out of it? You two seem to be totally different people that don’t talk or even spend time together! It seems you don’t even know what’s going on in each other’s lives!

Post # 57
Member
2446 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

soul83 :  I feel sad reading your updates. As someone who spent nearly 3 years dealing with fertility problems and did multiple rounds of IUI, IVF and both miscarriages and a failed transfer….my husband was my greatest support throughout it all. We were a team. We made decisions together. I leaned on him when the issues were on my end. He leaned on me when feeling discouraged about sperm analysis. Infertility is known to either build or break relationships, which in our case – made us a stronger couple.

Regardless of the pain or discomfort associated with the procedures themselves….I cannot fathom brining a child into this world or co-parenting with someone who is angry, defensive and unwilling to be supportive to you as you BOTH navigate through trying to figure out your next steps. To say that you are being cursed or punished is absolutely horrific, IMO. To run freely without checking in or wanting to spend time with her spouse, yet begin a family together is just so selfish. How on earth will you figure out the whole parenting/family situation once there is a baby in the picture, if you can’t even communicate openly regarding simple dinner plans or wanting to go on a date?

I truly wish you the best and hope that if anything, this situation allows you to see your relationship through a microscope – wether it gets better through counseling or support for one another, or ends due to the fact that you just deserve someone who is on the same playing field. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure there is some form of denial and defensiveness coming from her end, and I hope that she can sort through those emotions to figure out how to proceed. But please remember that starting a family adds another layer to your relationship, and will not be successful if you go into this lacking communication and compassion for one another.

Post # 58
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

soul83 :   I think she just want you to put more effort in swimming and getting healthy. I love to see my husband putting effort in something that I asked him, even though that might not successful (in your case, increase sperm #) before considering another option (IVF). If your problem is finding the time for nursing and work for paying property, have you asked her about your money/time problem – where you can find additional time and money for these when you have to work less to fulfill doctor’s order? She might not realize the problem when issuing the ultimatum.

Also, if she is a Chinese, she is definitely not off the hook. Have you guys hear any advice from Chinese elders/traditional Chinese doctor about her should not work that much? Normally if a couple have a problem conceiving, the wife usually was told not to work too much (in some case, not working at all with parents of either/both sides helps with money because child is expected by both side of parents too) a couple of months before TTC so that her body is fit to conceive. At least that is what I know, though it could be different with her culture. 

Also about the traditional Chinese doctor; Does he speak English/in a language you understand? What is his advice to her? Did the traditional doctor know about your wife works 12 hour/day for the entire week? You might also want to ask neutral Chinese friends if there is such ‘less work’ advice/practice before going back to her.

Post # 59
Member
3754 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

soul83 :  wow. I honestly can’t believe how horrible she is being to you about all of this. It is not your fault! I went through IVF with ICSI and am now 37 weeks pregnant, but I can’t imagine going through it with an unsupportive partner! It’s not the most fun thing in the world but it’s not THAT bad and I would do it a million times over if it meant having a child with my DH. My husband has poor sperm count and poor morphology. We tried for 2.5 years with no luck. The cause of his poor sperm were varicoceles (small veins in the testicles that cause increased blood flow which in turn increases the temperature to a point where sperm don’t form correctly). He actually had surgery to remove these veins and it was successful at increasing his sperm count but unfortunately did not increase his morphology. A lot of people have success with this though if that is their issue. Did they diagnose the cause of your MFI? Did they do an ultrasound? Some conditions are treatable.

The good news is that IVF has really good outcomes with a male factor infertility diagnoses. So ICSI is just an option that increases fertilization through IVF. Instead of just putting the sperm and eggs together in a lab dish they handpick well formed sperm and inject one into each egg. It was definitely recommended for us and we had good success with fertilization of the eggs to make embryos as a result. It’s still full-blown IVF though, just an add-on option to increase fertilization success. I really hope she comes around and that her behavior is just a bad reaction to the disappointing fertility news and not actually representative of her actual character. Best of luck!

Post # 60
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I think the two of you can make it if you were pressed up against each other in bed just 2 ago. You’re just upset. Your wife should reconsider IVF, maybe she is just frustrated that it isn’t coming naturally. Revisit that topic with her and your fertility specialist in a few months. Until then, try to follow doctors orders and get rest. Good luck!

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