Fertility issues straining our marriageposted 2 years ago in TTC
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: December 2011
sablescorpion22 : I’m not a troll. You have all helped me a lot. I’ve not spoken about my frustrations before coming here. Snap was too strong a word to use. No she doesn’t have to stay home. You guys are right that we don’t act as a team. At least I have questions to ask her about having a child and how we are going to raise the child.
I got reassurances that she will not take the baby away. She wants our child to learn here. She concerned me with the notion of letting me look after the baby. Then spoke about her parents looking after our child. I have lots more to discuss with her. We both have to work after the child is born because my wife took on an expensive mortgage although the tenants will cover most of the rent.
As for working as a team, I don’t see that much. My wife did want to go out with me last weekend but I had to work. This coming Sunday I will try to go out with her unless she makes alternative plans.
I might try searching online for resources that cover some of the basics like working as a team. It’s long overdue. For the first few years we were married, she would go back to China alone for almost 2 months at a time. That was her holiday time. I stayed home to work and study. Her family kept asking why we don’t go back together. I did ask my wife to hold off for 2 months until mid June when my annual leave became available but she just bought the ticket the same day and went in March. Didn’t listen at all.
The feeling that I don’t matter is very real. She announced yesterday that she plans to travel different parts of Europe every year. It’s part of her master plan: come to a better country, gain citizenship, married, property, financially settling down and then going off to travel around. In her selfishness, she hasn’t included me. I’m not the sucker enabler!
I think she became comfortable in her ways assuming I’ll always be around to let her live freely. But if we divorced, everything would get split up and she would have to work just to survive and pay all the bills. Then she might appreciate what having no time means.
Also one final point, I don’t think she gets how important the degree is. If I can get the study done sooner, then I will have a greater chance of more pay and more annual leave to travel. Though I knew that it would create problems having to save all my leave for the practical placements and not let us have a holiday together.
In a traditional marriage, this would have meant the wife waits until the husband has time off and then joins him to travel Europe together. But this is far from the marriage I had hoped for. With so many plans made without me, it’s felt like 2 individuals living under the same roof taking separate vacations and living almost separately. All that’s left to do is move into the spare bedroom and then we will truly be completely separate!
What I had hoped for when I got married: we would make plans to travel together (I had made plans to travel north but she went back to China alone instead), support each other more, commit to dates together (instead she went out a lot with friends and got angry at me for wanting to join her). I had also hoped we would have been happier in the beginning. Our first year of marriage nearly ended up in divorce.
During the first year, we fought a lot. She started hanging out with a guy from her tour company and I got really angry and told her how inappropriate that was. I lost my job that year and came home looking for her. She was nowhere to be found. But her iPhone (using the iCloud service) tracked to a home in our suburb. She’d later admitted it was the home of the guy from her company. I accused her of cheating and said I was done. In our first week of marriage, we moved into a share house as we had no money and needed to work our way up from scratch. In that first week, she kept video chatting a guy friend back in China.
Valuable time that should have been spent with me was spent in front of the computer talking to him. It got so bad that I suggested a movie and she would turn it down and suggest one he had talked about instead…you can’t imagine what I was feeling during that time. One day I went to the kitchern to prepare dinner and got upset with her being on the laptop talking to that bloke. She ended up coming out and fighting with me. Started to slap at me and tried to smash glasses etc on the floor. I grabbed her to try and hug her (stop her from breaking stuff) and she started to bite and kick me. She continued to lose it. Tore up our marriage certificate, grabbed the bear I bought her and cut it up and tossed it on the floor, cut up all our marriage photos and tossed them on the floor as well. Proceeded to spit on the pile and rub her foot into it and said that’s what she thinks of our marriage. I just sat in the corner of the bedroom floor in tears and numb with shock. I knew this was domestic violence.
Not long after, we had another argument that nearly ended our relationship. I don’t normally like to talk about it but I will share it here. I can’t even remember what we argued about. But her anger went out of control. She tried to smash my computer monitor (we were living in a room btw because we were sharing with 2 others). She threw water on the monitor because she wanted to hurt something of mine in retaliation for hurting her heart as she put it. She grabbed a kitchen knife and cut our marriage poster off the wall. Then next thing, I felt her grab my shirt and it felt weird like something running down my back. She had cut my shirt to shreds! Then she went to lie down whilst I grabbed my keys etc (this was at 1am) and fled to my parents home 2 hrs drive away.
The next day they were urging me to write a letter to immigration and send her away. I did write the letter but didn’t want to send it as it meant my marriage and relationship would be immediately over. She started to call me to say she can’t concentrate to go to work and needed me to come home. I explained that I can’t come back because I don’t feel safe. After 2 days, I agreed to go back for one night. I had already gone with my parents the day before to collect all my belongings so it was weird to go back and stay overnight. Things were weird and awkward but she kept apologising and promising to control her anger. So I grabbed all my stuff into the car and moved it back.
A couple of years later we faced a similar problem…we had another argument and she grabbed some shirts of mine from the draw and used a meat cleaver to cut them up in front of me in anger. I said I was done and tried to pack in front of her. She went crazy and started saying she has a boyfriend and she will call him to come and collect her things (I called her bluff by saying I’m waiting to see him)…then proceeded to the car with the first bags of clothes. Out there she grabbed the laptop and threatened to smash the back window of our new Audi if I didn’t stop and come inside. Later she tried to apologise and said she still loved me.
We ended up moving out of that place because of a fight with the landlord and the home got broken into. My wife walked in on the intruder! Lucky she was alright and ran out. The intruder got the keys to our Audi (my wife left her spare in the room) and our Audi was written off, my computer broke down twice and the hire car got rear ended. There were always black crows hanging around that place. One came up to the window looking at me on the day we discovered our Audi gone. Crows really are bad luck.
Anyway, our fights cooled down after that. Chinese New Year she wanted to watch the celebrations on the computer until quite late. I said I needed sleep and got upset. She took my upset demeanour to heart and started to get angry and threaten divorce. That year I thought a lot about divorce because she was never around. Always at work and going to dinner with her predominantly male clients.
During these two years, I worked 50-60hrs a week for a boss that verbally abused me. I was paid low wages on a 40hr contract but had to be in the store 10hrs per day because of the trading hours. I couldn’t even do my studies. My wife would keep calling me low class for working in retail management for such low wages. At one point, we would go to bed angry and in the morning she would wake up to texts from me talking about how I felt. She would write f..you in response and that I’m driving her crazy. I’ve seen her hit her own face when she was out of control.
The year after that, our worst fight involved her getting impatient over me going shopping for groceries. She threw away a whole chicken and threw the groceries on the ground while yelling at me. Yoghurt went everywhere! Such a mess. The landlord nearly kicked us out and charged for the mat replacement in the hall.
He would regularly ask me why I keep staying alone every night and preparing my own meals. I explained that my wife was busy in her company across the road every day. One night I got really angry at her staying in the company until 2am! Her colleague came out at the same time. His family lived in the building next door. She told me in front of him that she will do as she likes! I didn’t know what to say so kept walking with my bag like I was leaving for the night. I walked around the block to cool off and came back. We didn’t have money to waste on me getting a hotel room.
Our other major fight happened when moving into our first home. It should have been a happy experience but it was a nightmare! At the worst of it, I got sworn at repeatedly. F…you were her words. I was shocked because it was the first time she had said that to me. In the past she might have called me idiot or useless but she hit a new low. I got upset because she was refusing to move her shoes into the new cupboards I bought and put together. So I put them all into a suitcase and went to work the next morning. I received a call the next morning swearing at me and saying I will see what happens to my bottles of whisky etc.
Sure enough, she threw them all over the floor. She blocked my number and the chat program so I couldn’t contact her. I came home in the evening and luckily nothing was smashed. There were coffee pods and bottles of wine on the ground but nothing damaged.
Fast forward 1 year to now, the worst we have done is argue over small things. She got nasty a few times when trying to conceive with me and I was stressed or had to go to work. Became demanding and demeaning. And most recently: the threat of ending the marriage after one year and 2 weeks ago I had an injured foot that slowed me down to go and throw out the trash whilst she waited in the car. On the way out the door she said I’m slow and that’s why my sperm have a problem (in the corridor so the neighbours would have heard that!)…then out the front I found her waiting in anger with her yelling wtf at me. From the car she yelled out my name and idiot. We then fought at the aquatic center because I took too long to shower and we were the last ones leaving. The staff were waiting for me. I get that was embarrassing.
I always seem to run into trouble. In most things. Even had some problems at work recently. I’ve been late to work a couple of times and got reprimanded for it. I know my punctuality isn’t my strong point.
Now you all know my back story and what I’ve been through in the last 5 years. At least we have gone from nothing to having 4 apartments (3 as investment) in just 5 years. All of it due to my wife’s job in real estate and her hard work. My job earns ordinary wages. I changed to the health sector just over a year ago.
- 2 years ago
soul83 : WTF. This is insane. You are her doormat. Please leave this awful person. She is using you as a means to get what she wants- citizenship and a child. You clearly have no say in anything. This is all very one sided 😑 Sorry but your wife sounds like an absolute bitch. .. Why are you still with her!? I think you need to look into why you let someone treat you this way, it is so unhealthy…
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: May 2017
soul83 : this is a joke. You need to get off weddingbee and go see a therapist like yesterday. You sound like you’re 15. Its just pathetic. Your continuation of updates is pointless. Leave the marriage or stay. We’ve all already given you the same advice and tou keep ip with these posts for what reason? Attention? I read your past posts and nothing about either of you is healthy. Please don’t punish a child by bringing it into your dysfunctional life. You are so naive or have some type of problem and its not infertility.
- 2 years ago
soul83 : Is she a mail-order bride?
I ask that because honestly I see no other way how you two ended up married or why you even continue to put up with this.
Please don’t snap. You’re much better than that. But she or some boyfriend may just end up murdering you. So you need to leave before you end up killed or she kidnaps any possible baby and leaves the country.
sablescorpion22 : I would have also thought this was a troll post or joke of some sort, but his posts of this kind go back to 5 years.
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2016
1) I still call troll.
2) If you can’t see the obvious answer here, nothing anybody here says is going to make a difference.
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
soul83 : A big question for you… with all that’s been said and done do you:
1) think your wife attitude will improve over time? Do you think she’ll respect you more? Or will come together to be a partner?
2). If her attitude doesn’t change do you think you can bare with how she treats you and potentially your child for the rest of your life? Or that she’ll take your kids on trips without you because it’s convenient for her?
Based on what you told us… she has no respect for you. Probably never will. She has no reason to change her ways because she knows no matter how crappy she treats you you will always stay with her. You are guaranteed life partner that she can manipulate and beat up.
We can all tell you your wife has no respect, you should leave, etc. But ultimately it is your choice. However keep in mind… just because you want to make the relationship work doesn’t necessarily means she feels the same. It takes two to make a relationship work. But it only takes one to destroy it.
And while I understand it’s difficult to give up the relationship right now because of all the financial wealth you two accumulated together… is it really worth trading off your dignity and respect for some extra money in your bank account? Are you really only worth $xxxx?
Also I’m having a hard time understanding how with 3 investment properties you can’t even buy one if you were to separate… unless you either got a prenup… or you have mortgage on all of them and is in serious debt. Then that’s just a false sense of financial security.
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: July 2018
Who wants to bet that shes going to take that baby and run so far back to China with it?
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
JFC. Why are you still there? She’s using you for citizenship, a baby and nothing else. Run, run, run. She’s selfish and it’s never going to change.