Post # 1
First and foremost I know that BM’s DO NOT need to throw me a shower or a bachelorette party. I KNOW that the only duties of bridesmaids are to show up to the wedding and wear a dress. I am NOT mad at anyone – I know that my wedding is not the most important thing in these womens’ lives, and I wouldn’t expect it to be.
I am just feeling a bit sad and looking for some support.
I don’t have too many female friends to begin with – I moved to the suburbs fairly young while most of my peers remained in the city. I don’t have any coworkers in my age demographic. For the most part, I really only hang out with my fiancé on a regular basis (with the exception of two girls I met on Bumble BFF last year).
Hence, my bridesmaids are either family members or childhood friends. While I don’t necessarily see these women on a daily basis, we still talk several times a week/travel together/spend some holidays together. I still consider them to be the most important women in my life, who have shaped me into the person that I am today. Now I am beginning to think perhaps they didn’t really want to be in the wedding….and I feel so stupid. I am covering 100% of everyone’s expenses (dress…hair/makeup…shoes…hotel) because I didn’t want anyone to be in a bind financially.
None of them have asked about the wedding or wedding planning process – which…I understand to some degree. I know my wedding isn’t the event of the century, but it does sting a little if I’m being honest. I also rented an AirBnB with enough bedrooms for all of us the night before the wedding, per a suggestion I read online for brides that were feeling sad about not having a bachelorette party. I was hoping that maybe 1-2 of the girls would stay over with me the night before the wedding and we could do some sort of “girls night in.” As of now, no one has expressed interest in joining me or responded to my group Facebook message. Again – there could be a million reasons why, and I’m not mad. I just feel sad.
My aunt’s friend was trying to coordinate a little shower with the bridal party but the plans fell through.
Every time I log in to Facebook or Instagram I see photos of gals in large groups wearing coordinated tanks or cute tees. I’m flooded with shower/bachelorette photos everywhere I go…and I just feel a bit sad. I’m not angry or disappointed in my group per se….I’m just more……..sad that I don’t have that type of female friendship dynamic. I don’t have a “squad”/tribe/whatever women call it nowadays. I would just love, for one day, to feel like one of those brides that is sipping champagne, laughing with her besties in satin robes. I know it’s so silly and I never expected to feel this way, but I do.
Can anyone relate?
Post # 2
Your wedding is such a small small peice of your life and all the extras that go along with it (bridal shower/ bachelorette party) are even smaller. A saying I really like is “in 5 years who’s going to care). When you get married, buy a home, start having children you won’t think about or even really care that you missed out on those things.
Post # 3
I can relate. I didn’t think I’d even have any bridesmaids aside from my sister (I now have 2- one of whom I haven’t seen since college). I actually was really depressed about not having any friends at my wedding for some time.
My one Bridesmaid or Best Man is recruiting her friends to come to my bachelorette, so it’s almost not my party anymore.
Post # 4
I can absolutly relate. Wedding planning did seem to highlight how few friends I have. I didn’t have a shower or bachelorette party. The few friends that I do have aren’t local as I’ve moved a lot after high school and I didn’t want to ask people to travel for such trivial things. Now that the wedding is over, I don’t really mind not having had those pre-wedding parties though.
Post # 5
It’s ok to be sad.
If not having close local friends is bothering you, then I suggest that sometime after the wedding, you make some efforts to meet new women and cultivate some friendships. It takes work. It doesn’t just happen organically. When I was married the first time, my ex was transferred by his employer every year. I soon learned it was up to me to reach out to make new friends. The people living in these towns that were new to us already had friends. I needed them more than they needed me.
Post # 6
I totally understand you, bee. And Im in the same boat.. Not only do I have a very small group of friends, but I have an even smaller bridal party. There’s about a 20% chance of me having any kind of hen party, and my big day is literally this Friday.
And not to mention that many other people who are supposed to be considered ‘important’ (extended family and such) can’t even be bothered to attend the actual day of. It does hurt, and it does suck, and you DO feel sad about it. And I disagree when people say “in X amount of years, you won’t care about that anymore” because the truth is, celebrating those last “single days” with your closest girlfriends is one of the most memorable and fun times you can have. Marriage IS a large life event, it’s a totally new chapter in life, just as graduating is, or having a baby, etc. and in “X amount of years” you’ll look back on those young, wild, and free days and you likely will either A) remember with fondness or B) be filled with regret because you don’t have many of those memories.
I don’t have a lot of advice on this, because sometimes, life just happens differently for people, but what I can say, is that your feelings are totally valid. And even if you didn’t have a super fun single time with lots of girlfriends, that’s not to say that someday in the future you can’t have a new social circle, and make new memories and go on trips, etc. maybe you’ll end up celebrating another friends hen party, but it’ll be just as fun because YOU are included. So maybe a good thing to do would be to use your big day to reach out to other people or old friends and reconnect. Start a new circle now 🙂
And in the meantime, come up with a list of things you ARE really excited about and focus on those instead (i.e. Putting on your dress for the first time, getting to cut and eat the first piece of cake, being able to see people you haven’t seen in a long time, getting to feel like the princess for the day, etc) there are still lots of other things to enjoy if you have the right attitude 🙂
Post # 7
mrstravelbee12 : That’s definitely understandable that you’re feeling sad. Have you tried a group chat? I think using some sort of group chat helps build camaraderie (esp. If the women don’t all know each other). It is also easier to disseminate information collectively.
You can also express maybe explicitly that you would like people to join you the night before the wedding. Maybe they’re not aware how important that would be to you.
Post # 8
I slowly realized how few people actually cared about my wedding, so I stopped planning it. Why bother? I’ll either end up paying to feed people who don’t want to be there, or people won’t show- either way it’d be a waste of money. If I’m spending money to make myself happy I might as well spend it only on me&fiance, right? And that’s how we put money down on our house.
Post # 9
Yeah, I didn’t have a bachelorette too, and I was kind of sad when I thought about it. Part of it is because I am the first in my friend group to get married and also because we come from a different cultural background which doesn’t have bachelorette parties. I didn’t know it was a thing till I started wedding planning, and when I did find out, I was sad I didn’t have one. I was too afraid of bugging people since they were busy with work and dating and school to even do a small dinner with just girls.
I understand your feelings and it’s okay to feel down about it but in the end, there are so many other things to celebrate. 🙂
And honestly I think if I did end up having a bachelorette, I’d probably hate it since I am not a social kind of girl. It’s like what my introvert husband said about his experience going to a BBQ with some co-workers. He wanted to make new friends and thought it would be a great idea but when he went, he absolutely wished he hadn’t. Even if I had outgoing friends who threw me a huge bachelorette party, I am quite sure I wouldn’t like the whole socializing part.
Post # 10
mrstravelbee12 : I feel exactly the same! I kinda feel sad and lonely how the wedding highlights the friends i dont have. I dont have close friends where i live now. I moved a lot the last 8 years. The closest friends I have with the strongest bond are 15000km away and they cant afford traveling to me. So these ones have been my moral support through chat, emails, and video calls. I will have two BMs (one is my travelling buddy and another one a coworker turn friend) and a matron of honor (my fiance’s sister in law who has been supporting us since the day we started dating, mitigating all possible family conflicts during wedding planning, and actually help us plan our wedding). One of the Bridesmaid or Best Man will actually fly in on the day of our wedding and be with me 2 hours before the ceremony starts and then she will have to leave directly once the party is over. So definitely no bridal shower or any bachelorette party. The other Bridesmaid or Best Man tries to make it up by staying in a hotel with me one day before the wedding and plans to book a spa day with me. Hopefully all the planning goes well so on that day i wont need to do anything other than that spa!
Post # 11
I can relate. No shower or hens party for me. My sister who is Maid/Matron of Honor actually said to me “what a shame you didn’t have a hens night”. As if it was out of her hands. I guess she said it to rub it in.
My other bm said me and her would at least have dinner together before the wedding instead, but of course that didn’t happen.
I disagree that this whole thing will seem like nothing and be forgotten in a few years. Often it’s the small things, like a really thoughtful gift or compliment from a friend, or I imagine a friend planning a celebration for you, that sticks with you. Im 32 and I still remember that I had no 21st celebration. I mean, I don’t think about it very often, but it’s not like ten years later I can’t remember whether I had one or not. I remember that I didn’t and I remember it was disappointing.
I went to a hens party last year that was a weekend away, multiple activities and meals, and we all wrote in a scrap book memories and wishes for the bride to me. Some girls did drawings and wrote long letters about amazing the bride is. I don’t need that specifically but can’t help compare it to what I got which was nothing at all.
Anyway all this just makes me more happy to be getting married. No one gives a crap about me, well so what, soon one person will be forced by law to give a crap.
Post # 12
I can relate to your situation, but not really to the feelings. Heck, at least you have a few people to ask to be bridesmaids. I asked my brother to be my ‘dude of honour.’
I realized that I’m just not really wired for female friendships (and only somewhat for males.) I also realized that not eveyone gets to have every type of relationship that other people have. For example, I’m a bit jealous of women who were close to their grandmothers. I didn’t have them in my life. One died before I was born, and the other was overseas and I only met her once when I was about 7 years old. I’m also a bit jealous of women who have sisters (that they’re close to.) I have none. But that’s just the way it goes. Some people didn’t have a mom or a dad or a grandpa like mine, or brothers.
I attended a bachelorette as a bridesmaid once, and it was just okay.Out of all the time I’ve spent with the bride, and even the bridal party with respect to the wedding, the bachelorette would probably be ranked near the bottom.
I also feel like female friendships have to have a chemistry aspect, just like dating.
And, I feel like there’s nothing wrong with having a mosaic of friends, for whatever that’s worth. I don’t feel badly about not having one super-special BFF because I enjoy the company of a lot of different people for different things. My coworkers fill most of this role. There’s the guy and gal I talk sports with, the girl who likes the same music as I do, the other girl who loves cooking like I do, the one who loves gardening like I do; then there’s the gal I go shoe-shopping with… etc. It’s a mosaic. I don’t need to be super-close to any of them.
Just throwing that out there as something to think about. I’m really comfortable with my situation now. I don’t compare myself to anyone else anymore. 🙂
Post # 13
I won’t have a shower or bachelorette party either. My bridesmaids live in different countries so it’s just not possible. My Fiance is having a huge bachelor party with 10 friends in Vegas, and I was pretty jealous for a while.
But then I had a genius idea! I’m taking myself on a solo bachelorette party! It sounds depressing but I’ve always loved to travel (and based on your screen name i’d guess you do too) and I think traveling alone is so empowering. It just worked out that I have a work trip coming up in Indonesia so I’m giving myself a long layover to do a wellness retreat in Bali. It’s going to be all pampering and exploration and I’m psyched. Now I feel like I’m doing something really special for me and I no longer look athen party Instagrams with envy.
You don’t have to do anything big. Maybe a staycation at a spa nearby? If you want to do something special there are more options than posed photos in silk robes! Good luck 🙂
Post # 14
mrstravelbee12 : I can. My bridesmaids and wedding guests were spread across the country so trying to plan any sort of shower would have been really complicated. It made me sad not to have that day with my friends and family to celebrate. It wasn’t about the presents, but I did miss having that party.
I didn’t miss the bachelorette so much – the day before the wedding I took my maids to a spa and we got mani/pedis and we hung out all evening.
I know it feels like you’re missing out on something – maybe a little party can be arranged closer to the wedding? Do your girls know it’s important to you?
Post # 15
I relate, 100%.
It is pretty depressing when I think about the fact that no one in my family or FI’s family cares enough to take any note of the wedding. I just try to not think about it.