FFIL being a complete ass

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

No one knows what other people’s money situations are – I tell my teenaged son this all the time. His friends may have bigger houses – but they might be deeply in debt  

Your parents may appear richer to him, but no one knows their true situation – and it’s no ones business. If your parents can’t contribute for whatever reason, then that’s their business. Tell your Future Father-In-Law if he’d like to contribute, that’s very kind, but don’t worry about anyone else but himself. 

Post # 3
488 posts
Helper bee

What a jerk. He has the choice of whether to contribute or not. What your parents do is their own choice. Get Fiance to tell him to mind his own business. 

Post # 4
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Does he have a drinking problem? If he’s going to make such a fuss, maybe it’s better to not accept their help with the wedding. Hopefully, your Fiance or Future Mother-In-Law is saying something to him about it. 

Post # 5
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

moto5522 :  Your Fiance needs to step up in situations like this, because it’s his father, and tell him to drop it.

Post # 6
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I wouldn’t accept their money if this is going to be his attitude.

Post # 7
631 posts
Busy bee

 Giving the maximum benefit of the doubt possible…

It’s possible that he may be behaving in a misguided sense of ‘taking your side’. Imagine if his worldview is such that parents have an obligation to help their kids out with this kind of thing (and maybe that’s why he is helping, despite not being as well off as your parents). If that’s the backdrop, he may feel some need to ‘let you know’ that he’s on your side – thinking he’s showing support – and he’s doing it by expressing that he disapproves of your parents’ choice here.

Now, none of this makes this okay, but it’s possible this is the why. My Mother-In-Law does this kind of thing. She’ll decide that XYZ is ‘what family does’, and then when some other family member doesn’t do it (say, fly cross country to visit us), she’ll trash talk them to us. It’s her way of communicating that she thinks we’re important, and she doesn’t want to see people ‘mistreat’ us. But it’s annoying, because….for the love fo all that’s holy, we don’t expect my husband’s elderly grandparents to fly 4 hours to an overwhelming-to-them big city to visit us.

First – separate your own judgment of his behavior from the fixing of it. Try to recognize that it may be coming from a place of good, but terribly misguided, intentions. This will make it easier to forgive and forget after he stops talking about it.

Then – have your husband have a come-to-jesus, privately, with his father. He may have more success if he acknolwedges what your Future Father-In-Law is likely intending. ‘Dad, I understand that you’re trying to communicate that you’ve got our back, but talking that way about Moto’s parents is just not helping. It upsets her, and it’s unfair to both of us. You’re gonna have to clip that – if not out of respect for her parents, then out of respect for Moto and me.’

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