(Closed) FFIL doesn't know about our engagment

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7753 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are right, Fiance needs to tell his dad. Soon.

I can relate. Soon after I married, by dad left my mum for someone else (who he went on to marry). I was hurt and sided with my mum. My relationship with my dad was rocky but it’s been rebuilt. Yes, what dad did was wrong. But I can’t hold it against him forever. Both my parents are now happily remarried.

He must tell his dad. The longer he waits, the worse it gets. Especially if Future Father-In-Law hears it from someone else. Waiting one week is almost justifiable, but not much longer. p.s. Congrats to you both <3

Post # 5
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This is likely a way for him to get back at his dad, it may be subconsciously but that’s probably what it is. You don’t get over that kind of hurt that fast. My advise is just be supportive of him to deal and tell him in his own way. Tell him your feeling on it and then let him make his own decision. He’s probably really torn between love and anger right now.

Post # 7
Member
7753 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@alyssaC:  “t seems like Fiance wants to tell his dad but is tired of being the one who always has to go to his dad.”

But in this case Fiance must be the one. Future Father-In-Law doesn’t know that Fiance has news. So Fiance needs to take the initiative.

Post # 9
Member
7753 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t have all the answers. All I can do is offer my perspective on a father-daughter relationship after my father left my mother. And that is: that it was rocky for a while, because I was so committed to supporting my mother. Also, reality is that once you don’t live with your parents, you see them less. Maybe once every few weeks (or months?) is OK for Future Father-In-Law. Especially given the anger Fiance showed, after all you said “FI was extremely angry and Future Father-In-Law gave him his space (I think he was ashamed and afraid to talk to FI)”.

But despite often not seeing each for weeks or even months at a time, my father and I would always communicate important events. I told him each time I was pregnant. He told me when he was engaged to his new wife. We kept each other updated on the health of older relatives.

What I am saying is: a rocky stage in the relationship is no excuse for not telling him an important event like his engagement. Even if FI tells FFIL by phone (as my father did when he got engaged), I think FI needs to make it a priority to tell him, before Future Father-In-Law finds out from another source.

Post # 10
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think this is something your fiance has to decide on his own, when he’s ready. He’s probably very mixed up emotionally right now and isn’t sure what he wants to do (when or if he wants to tell his father).

It might be hard, but I think you need to be patient. Obviously let him know that you’re there for him no matter what he decides, and make sure he knows he can talk to you about this situation.

When I first got engaged my Future Mother-In-Law did not know. This was because when my fiance first started planning our engagement and looking at rings, he told his mother his plans and she flipped out, saying that we were too young (26 & 27), we didn’t have enough money (not true — and she’s terrible with her money), and then, the best part: “What about me? What’s going to happen to me?” (because her husband died 3 years ago and she has been epically depressed and refuses help from everyone, including me and her son).

So we didn’t tell her at first. We were planning on waiting awhile until she had time to get used to the idea, but she ended up finding out through an old friend and THAT made it even worse. Ugh. Mess.

Fortunately, things are better now. She finally calmed down a bit and realized she needs to move on with life and atually talks to us about the wedding and told us she supports us, etc.

The thing is, this whole deal is your fiance’s choice. He has every right to tell his dad and include him or NOT include him, In My Humble Opinion.

He may feel obligated, and some people may think he HAS to tell his dad just on principal/etiquette, but sometimes feelings/circumstances are too overwhelming and hurtful. I have a friend whose biological father hurt her so much emotionally that she doesn’t ever plan on telling him when she gets engaged/married. And that’s perfectly okay. It has to be the choice of the person in the situation, no one else’s.

Good luck. Just hang in there as best you can. 

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