Post # 1
We just found out 10 days ago that my FI’s dad has stage 4 cancer. It’s inoperable and the best we can hope for is that he gets strong enough to do palliative chemo which could prolong his life, but will not save him. He’s in extremely poor health due to this (very very thin) and honestly I’m terrified we’ll lose him before our wedding which is in 6 months.
We spent a week out there last week w/ FI’s family trying to help them with some details and see his dad and be with family and now we’re back home (We live about 800 miles away).
I am so freaked out by this and so terribly sad but trying not to show my Fiance because I know he’s so sad over the situation and I’m trying to be his rock right now. Thinking about wedding planning right now makes me feel nauseous because I know we have way more serious things to think about but I know we can’t put it off for forever… People have already started booking hotels and buying flights for our wedding so there isn’t a real way to cancel or move it up at this point (and I don’t think his dad wants that either)…
I don’t even know what I’m asking aside from, if you have been in this situation, how did you deal with this? Did you still get married at the time you planned, how did you find the energy to finish your wedding planning? 🙁
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2015 - Drury Lane Oakbrook
I didn’t lose a parent thank God, but I did lose my uncle, who was sort of like a surrogate grandfather to me. Two weeks after we got engaged, he had a heart attack and had to make a decision about getting a valve replacement to buy him a couple more years. He decided to go forward with the surgery, his reason was he had to be at my wedding because i’m the “baby” of the family. Well, there were complications, and 8 months later he passed away. The whole time we were planning, we would go to visit him and tell him about all of our plans and his eyes would light up. I even showed him a picture of my dress. The way I look at it is it’s all a part of life. Loved ones pass, but marriages happen and lives go on.
What I will say is enjoy the time you have with him. Please don’t spend every day for his remaining time thinking about how you’re going to lose him. Keep making memories and keep talking and laughing about the good times.
If, sadly, he does pass before the wedding, do not feel bad because a wedding is a celebration. He will be there in spirit.
Post # 3
We found out that my mom had a terminal brain tumor in December of 2012, got engaged in July of 2013, she passed away in January of 2014, and we wont begetting married until this June (2015).
My Fiance actually moved up his proposal because we knew she wouldn’t make it to our wedding. We did some wedding type things with her so that she would be included in our memories of planning for the wedding and having her see me getting ready to be married. He knew how important she was and still is to me, so he did that for me as well as her.
It all depends on what kind of person your Future Father-In-Law is. He might be the kind of person who would want you to get married in a civil ceremony or small church service NOW, with him and other close family, and celebrate later with family and friends for the reception that he may or may not be at. OR he may not want you to move any of your plans for him. I wouldn’t ask him straight out what he wants, but its up to your Fiance who knows him best.
Post # 4
First of all, your Future Father-In-Law is in my thoughts and prayers. Would you consider, as a PP said, doing a small church service now so that Future Father-In-Law can witness your marriage, and then still have the celebration as planned later this year?
Post # 5
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I didn’t lose my Mom during the wedding planning process but I did lose her less than six months later. She was diagnosed with extensive stage lung cancer in June 2011 and did better than any doctor ever thought. At the time of my wedding last November, she was doing relatively well. Right before Christmas, we found out it spread to her brain. February 21st, we was gone.
Having an ill parent can seriously change your priorities in regards to your wedding. For me, if mom had declined faster than she did, I would have rather gotten married standing by her hospital bed in our living room so that she could be there and have the fancy ceremony and reception later. You may want to do this if he isn’t doing well. If the rest of your friends and family don’t get why, they can go eff themselves.
Wedding planning is supposed to be joyous but it’s okay to treat it like work at times. Sometimes, you just have to make a decision.
Post # 6
Mrs.Vanilla: DCFDanielle: BMoreBecc:
Thanks for the advice (and thoughts) bees! Future Father-In-Law is really uncomfortable with people making a fuss over him so I am unsure of whether he would want us to have a small ceremony for him but we’ll explore that for sure. I think he hid how sick he was for a long long time because he specifically did not want people to fuss over him.
Hopefully in the coming week or so we’ll learn more about the estimated time left and what his wishes are. I think it’s something we’ll talk with my Future Mother-In-Law about and see what she thinks about all of this too.
I appreciate the support!
Post # 7
Also, I can give you a pretty good idea of what my mother’s timeline with the cancer was if you wanted. Every patient is different based on how soon they caught it, how old they are, what their health was like before, and what kinds of treatment the people seek.
I can tell you my mom went through radiation and chemotherapy for about 12 months, but she was in near perfect health when she was diagnosed (she was 45 when she was diagnosed, 46 when she passed away) and she battled it for 13 months that we know of. We think the tumor begane to grow in August of 2012 bringing her total battle up to 17 months total.
Edit: Timeline meaning when she lost the ability to use her left side, when she lost the ability to walk, when she began losing memory/clear cognition, etc.
Post # 8
We found out they were stopping treatment on my FMIL’s stage 4 breast cancer at the end of February and within the week she had passed. Our wedding is on June 6th. Up until that point we never would have guessed she wouldn’t make it to the wedding (her cancer counts were going down in November!). Everyone was pretty devistated. We had taken her shopping for the dress she would wear to the wedding a few weeks earlier and she was so excited. She was actually buried in that dress.
We chose not to cancel or postpone anything. It was never even brought up. FFIlL wanted to give everyone something happy to think about in th tough time.
It still isn’t easy. Fiance was really upset the day I had to put the invitations together and mail them thinking about her not being there. He also gets really upset thinking about the mother/son dance that won’t happen now. I just try and mention how happy she will be looking down at us on that day. I want to find a way to honor her memory at the wedding but we haven’t decided how yet.
I get get really sad thinking about the Mother-In-Law experience I am going to miss out on. I loved her and thought she was have made an amazing Mother-In-Law. My own mother lives 4 hours away (FI’s parents house is only 5 mins from ours) and I was looking forward to having a mother close to us when he have kids in the future.
Im so sorry you all have to go through this too. Do whatever feels best for you and your Fiance.
Post # 9
We lost my fiancée’s mom incredibly suddenly this winter – she went into cardiac arrest on December 27th and passed on January 4th. There were no warning signs, we hadn’t been given any heart disease diagnosis beforehand, nothing. It was (and is) horrible.
One thing we’ve talked a lot about is the importance of finding joy in what’s a really awful time, and how precious life is while we’re still here together. Planning our wedding has been a big part of starting to heal for my partner, I think, but it’s certainly far from easy. She was the only child of a single mom so she’s essentially orphaned now (her words) and it’s pretty heartbreaking :/
We have a longer window between that happening and our wedding date than you do, but I would say all you can do is follow your fiancé’s lead on this one. He’s the one who’ll need to talk to his Future Father-In-Law about his wishes, etc. It can be really scary and overwhelming to be supporting someone who’s dealing with that kind of loss and grief, so make sure you also have some good support while all this is happening please! It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job so far – and I’m sure you’re not the only one with the wedding at the back of your mind. Someone in his family is bound to bring it up and hopefully you can feel out the best course of action from there.
Sending you good thoughts.
Post # 10
Oh yuck. I didn’t have a parent die, but my grandmother died. This was my mother’s mother. My mother and I live together and Grandmother and Grandaddy live a mile away from us, so we are all very close. It’s sort of like immediate family. Grandmother died 3 months before my wedding. Her health wasn’t great for awhile and she even was like, “Oh man, what if I pass away before the wedding and mess up Katie’s wedding?!” to my mom. We really didn’t think all that much about the wedding until after her funeral. We were pretty busy taking care of her and I even stayed up with her every night she was in the hospital and slept during the day, so not too much wedding planning went on… just the general stuff, like looking at pinterest for general inspiration. We had already gotten the venue, the caterer, photographers, and how we were going to do the music for the reception under our belt. That all kind of fell into place before she passed away. Then when she passed away we got down to business, hired a coordinator, and she helped us pick up the missing pieces.
Our coordinator said she could do as much or as little as we needed. She said she has planned the entire thing for some people. You might could consider getting someone to do that. You could also have a nice, simple, intimate, small wedding and have a coordinator help you with that, too. I would seriously encourage getting a planner/coordinator.
Post # 11
Thinking of you.
We weren’t actively planning, but this has happened to us. I’ve lost both of my parents and Fiance has lost his mom so we have very limited family. We got engaged in Hawaii on Friday, flew home Saturday evening and when we landed at 6am Sunday I found out my grandfather passed away at 11:20PM Saturday. He was the only living family I had left, and instead of coming home and celebrating, I had to come home and plan his funeral. Then 2 months and 2 days later, my FI’s grandfather passed away.
We had kinda expected this, obviously not so close together and not the day after we got engaged. We’ve lost a lot in our 22 years, so it’s not something that we haven’t been through. It was still very hard, but I know we did everything we could have. I bought my dress before we got engaged and had pics made with both of our grandfather’s in it so they got to see me in a wedding dress. We told them that we were going to name our son after them. We basically just spent every minute we could with them. We knew that they were happy for us and would be with us in spirit.
Post # 12
Im so sorry for you both. Im not engaged yet, but this is happening now to my best friend. Her wedding is in August. So far she has lost her Dad, his maternal Grandmother, her 31 year old cousin, and his 20 year old cousin. All in less than 2 months. I feel terrible for her, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help. All you can be for your SO is the best support system ever. I hope everything works out for the best for you both.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry for you. We found out that FIs dad had Stage 4 lung cancer last July and he passed away the beginning of November. When they stopped treatment on Thursday they estimated maybe a few months, and he passed that Saturday.
It has been incredibly hard for our family (a huge loss in an incredibly hard few years).
Sometimes it feels like there are no words. I’m so sorry, and I pray that he makes it to your wedding. Just be there for your Fiance. Whatever and however he needs. Hold onto eachother. You will need each other more now than ever.
My Future Mother-In-Law has kind of checked out of wedding planning, and Future Sister-In-Law too. It’s been a long year..but we are getting through it.
Post # 14
My mother died five months before our wedding. When she told me they had to stop chemo I knew she was serious, couldn’t take it anymore, and was ready to move on. There was nothing we could do. Planning a small emergency ceremony wasn’t in the cards for me, I devoted all the energy I had to making her last weeks as comfortable as possible, I don’t think I could have done anything else.
She did get to come dress shopping with me and she helped me pick out my dress. Some of the last conversations I had with her were about details, she loved hearing about what will happen.
Our wedding was hard but I carried her with me and I know I make her proud. I’ll never forget the last time she brushed my hair as I sat at her feet. Always hold on to the memories, don’t let those moments pass you by.
Post # 15
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
Days after I was engaged my dad was told he had 6 months to live. He turned down hospice and lasted 5 months. We postponed our wedding because I couldn’t plan a happy day knowing my dad was dying. Six months later I had an 88 year old Uncle murdered. Last year was a rough year.
I wish you all the best during this very hard time you will be experiencing.