Post # 1
My future father-in-law is in the hospital. Fiance and I live 14 hours from his family. He got a call from his sister that his dad was taken to the ER because he was unresponsive. Another call from his sister came a few hours later and Fiance curled up on the couch and didn’t want to talk. I gave him his space and let him know that I was here whenever he wanted to talk.
I don’t know what to do. Should I press him for details? Should I make him go up to see his dad? (Their relationship is fine, no issues.) Should I go with him? I just don’t know what to do. We’ve never dealt with anything like this in our relationship and I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. I’m just really worried about Fiance and his dad and his family.
Post # 3
Have the doctors decided what they are going to do for your FFIL? I would wait to make a decision until then. Talk to you Fiance and find out what is going on. He needs you for support I’m sure.
Post # 4
Why won’t he tell you what’s up? Can you call FSIL? I think it’s really strange that he is leaving you out of the loop. I get not wanting to talk about it….but he’s your Fiance. Not your boyfriend or something.
As far as going, I agree that you should see what happened and make a decision from there. OBVIOUSLY if it’s a critical situation then you both need to go…IMO
Post # 5
I have never seen my fiance so upset. He was very distraught. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to me, it was that he needed time to process. I guess my real question is: What’s my role here as his fiance? I’m not his wife, so I’m not really sure if I should go to the hospital, etc.
The doctors have said it’s unlikely Future Father-In-Law will make it through the night. My fiance has decided not to go up at this point, he said there’s no point. (I didn’t ask him to elaborate.) I don’t know if he’ll go to the funeral. But if he does, I don’t know if I should go.
When I was a kid, my mom didn’t go to funerals of my father’s parents, aunts, uncles, etc. Neither did my brother or I (or anyone we were dating when we were teens). So that’s my background and quite frankly, I’m clueless as to how to handle this. I have never seen my parents (and they’re married) get invovled with the other’s grief or familial loss.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My thoughts are with you and your FI’s family. In my experience, my mom was by my dad’s side the entire time when his father (my grandfather) unexpectedly passed away. And the same was true when my mom’s mother (my grandmother) passed away from cancer. I unfortunately went to many funerals as a child and both my parents always went together. Personally, if your husband decides to go to the funeral (if unfortunately that is the outcome), I would go with him. I’m so sorry that you and you’re Fiance are going through this right now.
Post # 7
I think you should ask your Fiance. Are you close to his parents? If so, I think you should go if there is a funeral. Is there a reason he doesn’t want to go tonight and say goodbye?
Post # 8
That is really terrible. I think it depends on what your Fiance does.
To share a similar story, my FI’s grandfather died a year before we even got engaged but I tried my best to support him and even went to the hospital with him as often as allowable.
If he isn’t even planning on going (though I do think he might regret this, not saying goodbye and all that) then I would say as his fiancee it is your place to go with. You’re a social unit now, and will be part of this family very soon. As far as the funeral (if it gets to that point, as you expect it will) please tell me he isn’t thinking of skipping that too? Not that I know the family dynamics but that would be unforgivable to my mom if I didn’t even come home for my dad’s funeral.
Good luck and just be supportive. He’ll let you know what he needs, in his own ways.
Post # 9
My thoughts are with you and your Fiance.
Family relationships are complicated and we all grow up witnessing different precedents.
My parents always attended funerals of their partner’s family-taking us children when we were old enough.
It would not occur to me not to go to my partner’s mom’s or dad’s funeral.
I hope he will attend the funeral if it comes to that. These are the events in life that we later regret not attending .
Post # 10
Because his family is 14 hours apart, I’ve only met them maybe 5 times. His dad was never very talkative and I don’t feel as though I have a close relationship with him.
Fiance doesn’t want to talk right now and I’m trying to be respectful of that. I know when I first found out about my grandfather, I didn’t want anyone to talk to me or comfort me or be around at all. (About 6 months ago my grandpa was diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer, he’s still hanging in there.) But at the time, the doctors said he had a month and I was beside myself and wanted to grieve alone and not have anyone see me cry. So I’m very aware of the fact that people need to be alone sometimes. I’m not at all upset that he doesn’t want to talk to me.
I’m just confused on what to do. I’m giving him space and with my personal experience with my parents, I would think that I’d not go to the funeral (if it comes to that). I don’t know. I’m just so lost and upset and worried about my fiance. I have never seen him like this and I just want to take his pain away. This was very unexpected and I don’t know what to do. I wish he would go up but it’s his decision. I hope that he does go to the funeral but I don’t know if he’ll want to go alone or if he’ll want me to be by his side. I just don’t know.
Post # 11
When one of SO’s good friends passed suddenly 2 years ago he did the same thing, curled up on the couch and didn’t want to talk. At the time I encouraged him to go out and see his friends. I wish I would have been a little more leanient. I think you should be patient and kind and let him know that you are hear for anything he needs you to be.
I’m surprised he doesn’t want to go see his dad but there are people who want to remember a person living rather than dead. I absolutely would go with him to the hospital, funeral, and any planning or family gatherings. You are his Fiance and you belong wherever he is.
Post # 12
When the time comes, if your Fiance decides to go, I think you should go with him for support. One, it’s a long drive. He’ll be exhausted I’m sure. Two, he may seem distant, but even just having you there will probably make him feel better. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Many hugs.
Post # 13
If his dad is unresponsive, he may not want to see him like that. Maybe he doesn’t want that to be the last memory of his father. I would respect his wishes not to go now. Just be prepared for the worst. You don’t have to go back with him if he’s not comfortable with it. Just be there for him. You don’t have to know what to say, because nothing makes it feel better. Just be a shoulder to lean on, and don’t force him to talk about until he’s ready.
Post # 14
I understand why people are saying not to go, but I would get on the computer and book your fiance (and possibly yourself) a ticket home whether he wants it or not. If he’s close with his family he should be there with them. I’d force my husband onto a plane because I know he would regret it later on- but you really have to gage who your fiance’s personality. If it’s not going to be a big deal not to be there, don’t.
Post # 15
@youhavemyheart: I am so sorry you and your Fiance and his family are going through this. My best suggestion to you is to follow FI’s lead. Support him entirely and if he wants space, he will let you know by his words or actions. Pay close attention to his behavior. He may want you by his side for comfort all the while he is grieving and he may not be able to express that to you.
If I was in your situation, I’d load up the car and leave now or I’d fly out first thing in the morning. As someone in the medical field who cares for very ill patients, even if the doctor gives a prognosis of one night, it doesn’t always turn out that way. I have seen doctors give families a matter of 24-48 hours only to witness my patient hold on tight for another week or so. In fact, I’m experiencing it now with a patient who is fighting for dear life against all odds. Again, I’m sorry you are going through this and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Post # 16
I am so sorry you guys are going through this 🙁 I am sending my prayers