Post # 1
My FH comes from a small town Baptist family. Nothing wrong with that. I love that about him.
But sometimes his father makes me want to tear my hair out!
I am not the cleanest person – I am not gross messy (no food mess, bad smells, etc.), just cluttered. Always have been. I usually have papers sitting out on my tables, a couple baskets of laundry that haven’t been folded/put away, etc. Whenever he comes to my house, he finds some way to comment to me about how I should clean/organize/be a better housekeeper.
I’m a not a feminist but I am a stone’s throw from one. No, I am not just built for cleaning and taking care of your son. My FH is just as able-bodied when it comes to cleaning. I find it inappropriate for someone who is not my parent to comment on the state of my house. If he wants to comment on it, he should comment to FH. But, because I am the woman? Clearly it is my duty (even though having a sparkling house is not on my list of priorities and I don’t mind the clutter). I go to school full-time and work part-time…yah, your son works full-time but I have just as much on my plate.
Rant rant rant.
I am just unsure what to do about it. I dread his visits everytime because I feel like my house is never good enough and then I wind up feeling like I have to tip-toe around him. Sometimes, I just think he is kidding but I just can’t tell.
Advice? Opinions? Suggestions?
Post # 3
Is there any reason why you can’t just tell him how you feel. I mean literally, the very next time he makes a comment just say “I’m not sure whether you’re joking or serious, but I just wanted to let you know that it hurts my feelings when you say things like that.” If you’re feeling particularly spunky maybe throw in “We love it when you visit, but this is our home and it’s tough to be a good host if our guests criticize our housekeeping.” Emphasis on “our.” If he’s reasonable in any way, he should at least cut back on the comments if not cut them out completely.
Finally, what does the family’s religious background have to do with anything? I notice quite a bit of prefacing of a person’s religion before going on to describe some undesirable trait of theirs and I’ve never been quite sure what that’s all about.
Post # 4
@kateisstoned: Just tell him…
Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.
Post # 5
Ughhhhh my ex’s dad was like this. They’d come over and he’s make a comment wondering if we had a vacuum or if I knew how to use it. Um, I wasn’t the fucking idiot who put cream colored carpet in here. Yes, I do know how to use a vacuum, but hey, so does your lazy son! And he only works! I work + go to school. I actually smiled and told him that the vacuum was in the front closet and that he was more than welcome to use it if he felt that the floor wasn’t clean enough. He wasn’t real happy about that, but I didn’t really care.
Post # 7
@vorpalette: I love your response!
Post # 9
@Overjoyed: This. I will not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I would defintely snap back on him. But then again I have a big mouth and rarely let people take digs at me.
Post # 10
Pretty sure this has nothing to do with small town Baptist and everything to do with your fil being a chauvinist.I come from a whole family of small town Baptist with househusbands and bread winner wives. So it isnt the Baptist part making him sexist, its him.
If your house doesn’t bother you, tell him that. Have your dh tell him to drop it. And if it continues and bothers you that much, stop having him over.
Post # 11
I ran into this with a southern baptist’s family and it really shocked me. To the person wondering why the reference to religion, for me, I can tell you that I didn’t understand the sexism until I went to their church and then I got an earful about how women only have two gifts, virginity and a male son, to give their husband. I was shocked Because I didn’t grow up like that at all. I grew up Presbyterian, but attended catholic school, so I figured I knew about misogyny. Not so much. I am not saying all southern baptists are like that, this is just my experience and it was a deep clash with my upbringing. And since they espoused those beliefs in the church I attended, it’s fair that I color them with that brush and identify it as a source of potential conflict in upbringings.
If this were me, knowing what I know now, I’d want my Fiance to take a stand to Future Father-In-Law, because I would want to make sure that these beliefs hadn’t seeped in to my Fiance. a person will say they don’t buy into that stuff, but we are a product of our upbringing. intellectually he didn’t agree with his upbringing, but emotionally he did.
all that matters is that your Fiance doesn’t buy into this stuff, and stands up for you.
Post # 12
Omg I first read the title of the thread as he’s the sexiest…. I was like uh oh we have a problem. hahah
Homestly, I would just ignore him…. which is easier said than done I know. Im sorry I don’t have a whole lot of advice for you.
Post # 13
I don’t have any good advice for you really, but I know how you feel. My mom makes sure their house is PERFECT. They have a long haired cat. I’ve never seen cat hair. I’ve never seen dust. I have never seen their house be anything but museum perfect. So of course, I get the commentary when they visit us. I usually just mumble something about ‘working on it’ and change the subject. Some things just aren’t worth a fight. Oh, and it’s just me that this is directed towards. He would never be expected to lift a finger around the house if it were up to her.
Post # 14
I always smile sweetly and state that I have NEVER believed that the possession of an uterus makes one uniquely qualified to clean a house. His son (your FH) KNOWS how you feel and is fine with it. Tell Future Father-In-Law that if the condition of the house offends him, he is welcomed to come over and clean it or pay for a cleaning service.If he brings it up again, simply state you have already explained things to him and ignore whatever he says on the subject.
Myself? My FH does help out plus I have a cleaning lady.
Post # 15
DH’s mother once asked me if I bought underwear for him. I basically was shocked and responded with “What? No. He’s a grown man, he can do that himself.”
How she responded? She bought him underwear for Christmas. Worse yet, they were boxers with cartoon and video game characters on them. Dh wore them a few times for the heck of it and then we threw it out.
Post # 16
Don’t let it get to you. But if it were me, I would really want to say something to Future Father-In-Law like, “Wow, I think it’s so cool that you do the cleaning at your house. Can you come over sometime and give your son some pointers so he can get with the program?” I would probably never say it, but I would sure think it.
Some people just think you need to hear their opinions on everything.