(Closed) FFIL is so pissed at me…..

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

What to do….

ignore him – hes having a tanty and i doubt he can keep himself away from the babies for long.  its perfectly ok for you not to want your children near the animals if thats what you want, you are the parent.  go about your usual business, dont be rude to him but dont pamper to him either. stay strong and keep calling his BS out

Post # 4
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@eloping:  Exactly.  State your wishes, as you did, and ignore any attention seeking or passive aggressive behavior.  His behavior is immature, and you don’t really need to talk to him about it again.  Your Fiance did the right thing, and if he makes comments to you, be calm and firm.  You make the choices about where your children go and what animals they are exposed to.  If he wants to be insulted over that, then that’s his choice.

I’m sorry you’re going through that – living with future inlaws can be awkward sometimes.  We rent from DH’s parents, but it’s a totally separate house.  I don’t think I could handle actually living with my inlaws, so you’re stronger than me!! 🙂

Post # 5
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would ignore him. He doesn’t have anything else going on in his life, and he will probably eventually bend without you doing much. Plus, I think it is Fi’s responsibility to deal with his parents. I know you are a team, but he should be able to handle it, and back you up since your Future Father-In-Law clearly isn’t respecting your wishes.

Post # 6
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Ignore him. If he makes smart remarks or anything just say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and go about your business. I’m a pretty easygoing person but don’t mess with this mama bear or the claws WILL come out!

Post # 8
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

What you really need to do is consider moving.  Some folks have a very hard time giving up control within their household, and even though you’re paying rent and living in an upstairs apartment, to Future Father-In-Law that is probably still “within his household” to him.  It’s pretty common (and also pretty normal, on a psychological level) for someone who has spent the last 20-30 years of their lives being the parent, to have a hard time switching out of parent mode and learning how to be a parent to an adult child or to be a grandparent.  Some parents are even reminded of their own mortality when they see their kids having kids of their own.  They will respond to these weird, foreign feelings in many different ways. Some lavish gifts and attention on the grandkids (“at least I’m not too old to go shopping!” or “since I’m now the beloved pop-pop, I’ve once again got a purpose in life”), some shut themselves off emotionally (“I might as well shrivel up and die because no one needs me any more”) and some assert their wishes/wants (“I’m still the boss around here”). This can make for uncomfortable family relationships, and that’s even worse if you’re in very close proximity.

I think if you don’t have a plan to start your own proper household, and continue living in what’s basically an extension of FIL’s house, the family dynamic (which is already “interesting” and challenging) will just get more and more intense, and probably not in a good way.  It has nothing to do with paying your own way and everything to do with physically being under the same roof.

Post # 9
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have to say that I never thought I would come across another bee with such similar Future Father-In-Law problems as me… But alas… Here we are. I would first like to start with a little background, not to take away from your problem but maybe just to shred a bit of light… And in short story, Fis dad is filipino and very much so… I am not at all and am not familiar with their “ways”. It comes down to it that Future Father-In-Law literally goes rageaholic and threatens to damage our house anytime I say or do something that’s “un-Filipino like”… At this time he lived with us and we supported his lazy disrespectful ass and I was very hateful towards him and well still am. It took Fi to the point where his dad was calling me names and raging again and me on the phone with the police to actually kick him out… I have never been so happy and I’ve not spoken to him since.


My piece of advice is that you don’t deserve to be talked to or undermined like that. I think you need to stand your ground while still keeping in mind that he is your children’s grandfather. I will never have a relationship with Future Father-In-Law and it actually breaks my heart for it to be this way… Your those kids mother and in the end it comes down to what you say and what you think is the best for the well being of your babies. Stay strong. This is a tricky situation and it’s good to hear that you have your Fiance by your side.

Post # 10
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Passive agressive person. You know it because you are the one who feels bad and wrong, but you are not the person who actually did something wrong.

I would have been done with him when he told my child “Your mommy said you can’t go,” after he took the other kid. That could cause problems between the two kids or between you and the kids later in life.

I also don’t like him letting the kids see that someone can override your authority. When they are old enough to understand that, then they will start overriding your authority. That will teach the kids that they can bargain with other adults to get something you say they can’t have.

Lastly, I don’t like it giving them the idea above for when they are old enough to get into the backyard without help. Maybe I’m overreacting myself, but kids test things. I’d hate the kids to wind up back there and no one knows it.

You guys need to save to move as soon as possible.

Post # 12
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

That’s good. I just feel overly sensitive about it because someone in my family drinks and acts like that. It is very, very hard on us all. The behavior wont change till he stop drinking, so he will wind up losing people close to him. But you’re a mom, and you gotta watch out for those babies, so his problems are not even your priority. Feeling bad over how he feels should never trump your motherly instincts. He’d better watch out before you turn into a big ole mamma bear!  I’m glad you’re a good mother who is aware of the situation and can assert what you know is right. Let your Fiance handle it as much as possible, but you were not wrong to take action in his absence. Just be careful when that man has been drinking.

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