Post # 1
We live in the U.S. and are having a tiny destination wedding in Scotland (hoping to avoid stress of a big wedding). My parents & sisters will join us and Future Mother-In-Law will join us along with FH’s brother and sister-in-law. FH’s parents are not divorced or anything, still happily married, but only his mom is coming. FH’s dad said he did not want to come because he is stressed out at work. They can both afford to go & are fairly young & in good health & we gave 9 months notice. Both FH & I feel hurt that Future Father-In-Law will not come, especially when Future Mother-In-Law will. If they both couldn’t come for financial reasons or other reasons I would understand, but it feels like Future Father-In-Law does not approve of the wedding so he is deciding not to come & using work stress as an excuse.
Should we bother doing anything to try to convince him to come? If so, what could we even do to convince him?
Should we make him feel bad for choosing not to come or just ignore him?
How do I explain about the missing Future Father-In-Law to my family?
It seems like it will be awkward in our wedding photos with him missing and really awkward and uncomfortable for me later when we all get together for holidays (they live 6 hours away). Right now because of this situation I feel like not going to their home anymore for any occasion ever again to avoid the stress.
Thanks in advance for advice on this stressful situation.
Post # 2
I’m sorry, bee… but I think when you have a destination wedding, you have to anticipate that not everyone will attend… and you may not agree with everyone’s reasoning.
I think my big question is… do you have any reason to believe that you future Father-In-Law is not in agreement with the wedding/ your relationship? Have things otherwise been good up until this point? If so, just graciously accept his decision and don’t make him feel bad. He knows he won’t be in the pictures. If there really is more to it than that and your Father-In-Law is not otherwise accepting of the relationship…. then perhaps your Fiance shoudl have a heart to heart with his dad.
My next question is about his job. I know for me…. I work in a job that I consider fairly stressful, although not everyone might view it the same way. I don’t know that it’s fair to say that his work stress is an excuse, it could be very real to him. Given the long flight both ways, time changes, amount of vacay days I would have to take for work…..it would be a logistical nightmare to schedule my time away….and the thought of the sheer volume of work I would have to come back to makes me shudder. I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, but boy it would be very tough!
I say take the high road. If he changes his mind and wants to come, then great. If not, it’s his choice to miss out.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
He was invited to go and has declined. If he changes his mind I’m sure you two, or your FI’s mom, will be the first to know. Trying to guilt or push him into going isn’t necessarily going to make him go, and even if he does he may resent you two for being so pushy about it when he clearly stated he was too stressed out to go.
Totally understand that you guys want him there, but it really is up to each individual to decide if they are going to attend or not, even parents.
What does Future Mother-In-Law say about him not coming? Is she bothered by it?
Post # 4
I would choose to take him at his word. Give him the benefit of the doubt and don’t dwell on this. You could tell your family the same thing he told you – he couldn’t travel because of his work schedule or something along those lines.
Even if he does disagree with the wedding right now, he can change as time passes. I’ve known people who have made it very clear that they disapprove of a marriage, the wedding happens anyway, and after some time they get along just fine and love each other. Give it a chance. Don’t stress out over this.
Post # 5
No, do not ride your Future Father-In-Law, don’t lay a guilt trip on him, don’t cut him out of your life because of this. He could be extremely nervous of flying. My mom was, she never flew, never did, said she was afraid of it.
Unless you know Future Father-In-Law disapproves of the wedding, do not assume it. Excuses to do with work are acceptable excuses in social situations. Sure, a son’s wedding is more than just a social situation, but the deeper reasons Future Father-In-Law is not coming may be private and not something you should razz him about.
Post # 6
Thanks for responding. Yes, I know that they didn’t approve of me from the start of our relationship because I am divorced and have kids and they are very traditional. His work is very flexible and they take vacations fairly often, even to Europe before without any issues. I really suspect that he just doesn’t approve and so is making up the work excuse. I know that FMIL’s job is much more stressful, but she is managing to go.
Post # 7
Thanks for the input, yes Future Mother-In-Law is upset by his decision & we are pretty sure they have argued about it because she really wanted him to go. At least for him to go so they can do things together that she is not comfortable with like driving overseas or flying alone. Since Future Father-In-Law isn’t going we have to make arrangements with FH brother to drive her around & spend extra time with her since we will be pretty busy with the wedding.
Post # 8
He has flown to Europe before for vacations without issue. I really think it is just his disapproval of me. Our relationship has always been polite, nothing more.
Post # 9
“Should we make him feel bad for choosing not to come or just ignore him?” Neither of these options are going to endear you to him. Let him know he is welcome and his presence will be missed.
As for explaining his absence to your family, he was unable to attend due to work. My friend’s father isn’t attending her destination wedding because he doesn’t like to fly. It’s probably more common than you think for parents to opt out of destination weddings for whatever reason.
Post # 10
My father did not attend my brother’s destination wedding in India. He wasn’t given enough notice (less than 8 months) and he didn’t have any desire to go on such a long trip to a place he didn’t want to ever go to. He is however attending my destination wedding in Santorini. I asked him 2 years in advance and he has more interest in Greece than India. These things aren’t out of the ordinary.
Post # 11
This is the way things go with Destination Wedding. Other people’s money, time and vacation is simply not upto you to decide.
Also if he really does not support the marriage then yes he would not be spending his time and money attending your wedding in another continent.. if someone does not support a marriage they would not want to attend and pretend like they do. It is very sad and I am sorry about that but seems like this is the way it is.
You can’t force him to support this.
Post # 12
I have one of those stressful jobs, and I can guarantee you that I would not be able to travel to anyone’s destination wedding, no matter who.
If you cared that much about him you’d have consulted him before planning the wedding. To be honest though, it sounds like you really don’t care about him anyways since you want to cut him out over this.
It is selfish to assume everyone is in a situation like yours and would be able to travel that far from work. Sorry but that’s life.