(Closed) FFIL Strange Reaction

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

HUGS!  It totally sucks, but that’s just the way he is, and he’s not gonna be.  Just learn from it and know that that’s not how you want to raise your kids.  Trust that he means no harm, and it’s just hard-wired in him.  Sorry for you, though 🙁  HUGS

Post # 4
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Coconutmellie, he wasn’t trying to hurt you at all. He wants you both to consider these things! Do you yet have a budget and plan for after marriage? If so, show them to him. My Future In-Laws were the same way until we reassured them that we had a plan, and a backup plan, and a backup backup plan. For example, we wrote down what we believed all of our expenses would be, all the deposits we’d need upfront, etc. We found the amount we’d need for bare expenses, and then the amount we’d need to live comfortably–we are aiming for the “comfortable” amount of salary, but we can scrape by for a year or so if we need to.

I highly suggest you both read personal finance books or blogs if you haven’t yet figured this out.

Best wishes!

Post # 5
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

From the way you described him, that sounds more like regular him than a bizzare reaction.  And it’s a good point… if you’re still in school, how will you support yourselves?  Marriage really isn’t just puppies and rainbows… it can be very hard work, and if you’re not ready for it, it can destroy your relationship.  Sometimes being realistic is the most loving reaction you can have.

Post # 6
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think is sounds like he is just one of those “glass half empty” people.  He has some valid points in worrying and it seems like he expresses his thoughts rather than keeping you in the dark which I think you will appreciate over time.  Not everyone is going to have the reaction you want so just focus on those who do (like the bees!).  Try and turn it around if it makes it easier by being glad that he cares enough about you both to want to help you be happy in the end.  And congrats on the engagement!

Post # 7
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds like this is just the way he is, just as he is constantly reassuring you he is.  I mean, I love my new Father-In-Law but I DON’T talk to him once or twice a day.  I’d say that’s a pretty good sign that he loves you and approves of you in whatever way he knows how.  He just doesn’t express it the way you are used to.  Although I do wonder why you have to have reassurance from the people in your life that they love and care about you or you think you’ve done something wrong.  Some people just aren’t the touchy-feely type.  It doesn’t mean they care about you any less.  It just means they just don’t express it the same way.

Post # 9
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Well, it sounds to me that your future Father-In-Law is a nice guy, but as many before me have said, he’s just not the touchy-feely type. I’m sure he has yours and his son’s best interests at heart. He probably wants whats best for his own child first.. finishing school, finding a great job (if he doesn’t already have one) being capable of supporting himself and then supporting you both. It could also be that he’s from the ‘old school’ of doing things.. yaknow, things “should” happen in a certain order. IE: boy meets girl, boy and girl date for like, 5-6yrs while boy and girl get good education, boy and girl go on to get great successful jobs and pay off school loans, boy proposes to girl, boy and girl have long engagement while saving for a “nice” or “traditional” wedding and/or a house, boy and girl get married, buy a house, get pregnant and live happily ever after. I mean… isnt that what every parent wants? for their children to do things the “right way”??  i know a lot of folks who think things just can’t work out for the better if there is no money involved.. i (can) be one of those people.. but i feel like you have to do whats best for you two.. your not marrying your Father-In-Law.. right? it’ll all work out..take it one day at a time.

best wishes!

Post # 11
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think it sounds like it is just the way he is. Despite his gruff exterior, he seems to really care. He is probably worrying becuase he loves you and Fiance so much. He just wantes to make sure you guys will be okay. I can relate, as my dad has never been one to show emotion or say I love you. Even when my I told my dad we were engaged, he was not really excited over the phone. But my mom did tell me he smiled a lot that day 🙂

Post # 12
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Some people have a hard time showing they care – I think his worrying about the two of you is his way of showing that he does care for you. 

Post # 13
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He’s expressing his care through his worries!! He cares about you and your Fiance and wants desperately to know that you’re going to have the best possible life you can have; thus he worries and expresses his worries, in hopes that expressing them will alleviate some of the possibility of those things going wrong.

It does NOT mean he doesn’t approve, just that he wants to make sure you do things well.

Post # 15
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It sounds like he’s expressing how much he cares by trying to solve problems with you. He’s anticipating the rough patches ahead so you and your Fiance won’t be blindsided. 

Post # 16
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Wow, I understand how you’re feeling.  No one in my family (except my Maid/Matron of Honor sister) is really all that jazzed about my getting engaged, and it’s really bumming me out.  My mom was like, “Oh, congratulations,” and then, “I’m not paying for it,” and dad was like “Make sure that the way your lives are now are lives you’re willing to lead indefinitely, because they might not change.”

Thanks, guys.

But it sounds like people are just looking out for you, so that’s good, at least. 🙂  I still understand, though. . .

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