- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
I am supposed to be getting married in two weeks, but the Future In-Laws are threatening to call off the wedding if it doesn’t conform to local religious traditions, and possibly if I don’t sign a pre-nup. This follows a long history of wedding problems, some of which are:
a) My father refuses to go the wedding. He is from the subcontinent and claims that it’s because I am getting married in the US (he doesn’t cross the US border), but I think it’s him being passive aggressivve about my decision to be religious, and of the faith of my mother. That said, he also rightly suspects that my in-laws discriminate against his religious background. I tried to speak to him about it, but he is quite stubborn and not a man of words.
b) Only one of my few friends will be at the wedding, out of more than 200 people.
c) My Future In-Laws told me that my background was “offensive,” and the Future Father-In-Law in particular has tried to control my behaviour.
They threatened to not pay for the wedding if I didn’t wear white, if I couldn’t agree to them omitting my father’s full name from the ugly/cheap invitations (because then it would show their community that their son’s bride had bad parentage), if I didn’t sign a financial agreement dictated by their lawyers, etc.
Most recently, the father had a bunch of wedding favours made with the signature “Fiance first name + Sahar fiance surname,” without asking whether I had changed my name (I hadn’t).
As of two days ago, the Future Father-In-Law threatened to call of the wedding if it didn’t meet his religious expectations. He said, “I am your father-in-law and you have to follow my religious traditions,” even though he himself is quite lax religiously, and even though both the fiance and I have always maintained that we were going to do a different religious ceremony. There is no way we are doing a conventional ceremony for reasons of equality.
I am moving across the country in a week to stay with my fiance’s family before the wedding, and am stressed and miserable about joining his family, and living in the same city as them.
I know people say to focus on your marriage, your special day, but Future Father-In-Law has repeatedly insisted that it’s not just about us. His patriarchal authority comes from him controlling the purse strings, but he is also threatened by my level of education and autonomy. His parents’ poor treatment of me is only amplified by how eagerly they embraced their daughter’s fiance as a family member.
My mother has been supportive, but she is in a differecountry, and they are reluctant to speak to her because she can hold her ground.
I haven’t mentioned the smaller issues (crappy venue if it rains, Future Father-In-Law hiring a very mediocre photographer, parents refusing to let us stay in the house they don’t live in, etc.), but there are many.
I’m really not sure how to proceed and am stressed that the wedding might not in fact happen. I suspect they are trying to force me to call it off so that they can blame me.
Any thoughts on coping with this situation, and in living in the same city as them?