(Closed) FFIL wants a “second ceremony” (long)

posted 6 years ago in Reception
Post # 3
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would put my foot down. “We only intend on getting married once. THe ceremony is on X date, and all invitees have been notified over a year in advance. We will truly miss anyone who cannot attend.” If she wants to be there, she will get herself there. That is not your job.

Post # 4
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

@love108:  This. 

Tell them you understand money is tight, but as newlyweds, you can’t justify the expense of another party overseas when you’re trying to start your life together.

Post # 6
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

Agree with @love108 as well. If they continue to insist on something then say that perhaps someday, you two can try to make an anniversary trip out there to see more family or something, but that a second wedding and celebration just isn’t in the cards for you at the moment.

Post # 7
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i agree with the pp. its your day and you’re having it the way you want it. you can never please everyone so don’t waste energy trying. good luck though it is a crappy situation!

Post # 8
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No way would I do this. Tell them you understand tight finances, as you are already having one wedding, and cannot have two. No. If it mattered at all to this person to celebrate your wedding she would have made it a priority to save money, which it sounds like she could have done simply by forgoing a few luxuries. Absolutely not. If, on the next occasion you happen to be in the country, she would like to buy you dinner in lieu of the gift I expect you will not be receiving, I think it would be lovely to go out for a nice, dressy dinner. Otherwise, no, no, hell no. 

Post # 9
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Don’t do it. Don’t offer a lot of explanation, because when you do that people just come up with reasons why your explanations aren’t valid. Just come up with a pat sentence and repeat it. “I’m sorry, that just won’t be possible.” Rinse and repeat. I like LibertyBelle’s idea of saying you might have an anniversary celebration in the U.K., but I wouldn’t even say that unless you think it’s a likely possibility.

Mary is entitled to spend her money as she sees fit, and even if she CAN come up with the money to attend your wedding, she isn’t obligated to. I’d try to keep all discussion of her lack of attendance at the wedding light-hearted, like, “Yes, it’s a shame Mary won’t be there. We’ll have to make sure we take lots of photos for her to see.”

Post # 10
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honetly, I would not indulge the selfish, gets-her-way sister; and particularly not at the expense of the financially-responsible and nice sister. You want to nourish that positive connection.

I think, while it seems like a nice idea to have a party now, it will become more of a headache in the end. 

Post # 11
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It’s apparent, reading this, that you don’t want to do this. So don’t.

You might consider–if you are willing to travel and all that–suggesting a low-key barbecue/picnic/tea party to celebrate with your friends in England instead. I don’t know how the Brits would feel about that sort of thing, etiquette-wise, and you could specify that you’re not expecting gifts or anything like that, but maybe you’d be interested in seeing your friends and celebrating with them in their absence. It would take the pressure off of doing another ceremony but allow you to see those you love and if you’re honeymooning abroad, it could be a pit-stop along the way.

But either way, don’t bother with a second ceremony. In all honesty, if I were invited to a wedding across the country and declined b/c I didn’t want to travel, and then found out the couple was coming to my state to do a “second ceremony,” it would cross my mind that they’re trolling for gifts–or, that they assumed their marriage should be a much bigger deal in my life than it was!

Post # 12
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Do they have any cheap “vegas” style wedding chapels in the UK where they have a small reception room for a couple hours?? Maybe in the future when it’s a “normal” visit you could do that?

Post # 13
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If I am in your shoes, and if Future Father-In-Law is doing it for their spoiled daughter…

I wouldn’t.  For one, it is not only about the money.  Assuming both of you need to work and need to take time off to go to UK too.  

I personally won’t do a second wedding there.  But I would suggest to do a informal BBQ/dinner/party next time you guys in town to celebrate with those who couldn’t come to the wedding.

Fiance and I are doing it later on this year to our hometown (more like me) overseas.  It’s gonna strictly informal.  No gown, no anything.  Just a family get together somewhere. It’s pretty much our post-wedding celebration with relatives.  

Post # 15
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

If you are entertaining the idea to keep the peace (which it doesn’t sound like this is too much the case) perhaps you can pipe a skype connection with a camera trained on you as you get married? Otherwise, I’d let the SIL suffer, as she has done nothing to help herself. 

Post # 16
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

No. Think of the other things you could be doing with that money. You could put that toward a new car, a vacation, or to start a college fund for your future kids. She’s a grown woman. I say you tell them you’ll be taking lots of pictures and they are welcome to do a video, but you are not doing 2 weddings.

 

RIDICULOUS.

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