(Closed) FFIL’s GF wants to invite her grandkids

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would have your Fiance talk to his Dad about it, and then have his Dad tell her that it would be best for them not to come.

Post # 4
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

are you allowing other kids to come? also, are you having a smaller/intimate wedding/is your venue small? ’cause you can go the “adults only reception” or “sorry, we’re keeping it intimate!” route if either of those sound like your situation

Post # 6
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you are going to have to be clear with her.  I wouldn’t lie, but tell her exactly what you told us.  Be nice but firm with her.

Post # 7
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Oh my. Do we have a relative in common? Seriously my Future Father-In-Law and his still-GF have been together for 11 years. She has 6 grandchildren (4 adult kids) and I foresee her trying to get me to make the only little girl my flowergirl. Um, no. My youngest sister will be and she’s not sharing the role. lol. Anyways end freaky tangent.

I think you need to be clear with both Future Father-In-Law and Girlfriend that whoever is invited is at your discretion. Don’t lie to her and say there won’t be other kids there; she will obviously notice when she is there and that will create MORE drama. Just handle it. Say you really can’t afford that many extra mouths, you don’t picture your day as being super kid-friendly so you think they would get bored and create a fuss. If you can make it sound like you think they’ll be unhappy/bored it may convince her that it’s a bad idea. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I see 10 year partnerships essentially the same as marriages where etiquette is concerned. Those kids sound like they are basically your FFIL’s grandkids too. Be careful that your choice won’t make him feel like you’re denying his “new” family as your own.

If your wedding is small enough that other close-ish family have been cut out of the guest list, you can probably get away with it w/o too much offense being taken. If your third cousins’ kids are coming, I’d find room for a few more kids.

Post # 9
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Melini: To the first part; that depends. My Future Father-In-Law and his Girlfriend do not see her grandkids as his grandkids, and they have been together for 11 years. I think that’s why they’re not married though; they haven’t incorporated their families in the same manner a step-family would be incorporated, because they don’t want to.

Post # 10
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@AmeliaBedelia:  My comments were meant to be directed at the OP issue of family status and invites.  I totally support your choice to have whomever you wish in your wedding party.

As someone who will have been in a domestic partnership for 9 years before getting married, the way family treated us based on that choice could be hurtful at times.  Their assumptions about why we weren’t married were just wrong.  I was told by his bro that his whole family thought that I didn’t want to “give up my freedom”.   I couldn’t really be all that open with them about the whole story (that Fiance simply never proposed, and like a romantic, I was waiting on it) without giving up my dignity.  

We finally are getting married, and there are some bits of damage to the family relationship caused by people who insisted on keeping me in my lesser place while it wasn’t “official”.

If you think your FFIL’sGF is going to be around for the long haul, IMO, it won’t be a net win to treat her differently than if she were a “real” in-law because your FFIL’s house will also be her house.  It sounds like she clearly thinks that her grandkids do have a place at your family gathering and is trying to incorporate them.

 I know I’m projecting a ton of my own BS onto your situation, but sometimes i just think it was an avoidable shame that people didn’t recognize us more fully as a couple when we were “just” DP’s.

Post # 11
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Melini: I wasn’t saying that my way was “right” or “wrong.” I simply said it depends. I would assume OP knows what type of situation her Future Father-In-Law and his Girlfriend are in based on being in a relationship with her Fiance. I’m not saying all situations are like that, merely that some are and some aren’t. That’s why I said “that depends.” I certainly wouldn’t handle things that way if I were unaware of circumstances, and was just playing Devil’s Advocate for the OP so she didn’t feel like she “had” to as if it were a different issue.

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