(Closed) FH and I are both Christains…buttttt……

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Well, I understand you feeling guilty, but I don’t think you should. I’m no expert on the bible or religion, but I have advice from a similar situation.

My sister and Brother-In-Law bought a house together before they were married; he said he felt so guilty, even though they were engaged, because he felt it wasn’t right. My mom told him that in her mind, they were already married, because way back in biblical times, there was no wedding planning per se.. the man asked the woman to marry him and if she accepted, they were married.

I understand you feel guilty, but I think you’ll be all right. 

Sidenote: I hope that all read as I intended it and not insensitive or anything! I really do understand what you’re feeling πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Fiance and I are Christians and well…. we have a daughter. So obviously our pastor knows we had already had sex. He basically just emphasized the importance of staying pure until the wedding a lot and that even if we slip up not to give up and keep trying. and of course we have slipped a few times, it is hard not to! It really wasn’t that bad talking to the pastor about it though, it isn’t like it is his first time around the block πŸ™‚

ETA: and your Fiance has a point it is done, there is no taking it back but that doesn’t mean you should throw abstaining out the window. The important thing is that you are both forgiven πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Mrs.W2012: its all good, I do the same thing all the time LOL

Post # 8
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Mrs.W2012: A really great book that I would recommend is “Real Sex” by Lauren Winner. It’s an easy read and has a lot of helpful things to say about sexuality and the Christian church. I highly recommend it.

I would also not beat yourself up about it. People make mistakes. Hopefully your pastor knows that. Also…I’m not sure how much it’s his/her business what you two do in the bedroom…but if you choose to make it their business, it’s certainly not their place to judge you, but to guide you two into leading a Christ-centered marriage.

Hope this was at least semi-helpful πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I don’t mean this to be rude at all and I hope it does not come off that way, and I will also preface this by saying I am spiritually Christian but not conservatively so nor do I practice.

My understanding of the Bible is that it is God’s word put through the lens of man.  This means that what is in the Bible is not directly from God and has gone through others’ interpretations of what He said.  So much of what is in the Bible is social control, meaning that society back when the Bible was written was pretty lawless compared to today’s societies and they needed some form of higher law.  Marriage and no sex before marriage was designed to control population and families so that there weren’t thousands of children unsupported by fathers running around.  I doubt God made that rule as a means of finding new ways to test and punish people for eternity; if so, that sounds very petty, insensitive, and unloving to me.  I think that God intended that rule to provide structure to society and I think it was twisted by man.  Also, you’ve only had sex with the person you will soon be married to, I would be very saddened if it were true that God would be so punishing of slipping up with the person you will marry.

Also, the history of marriage in Christianity is somewhat appalling from what I have read recently and I am completely forgetting the source, but it was credible and I read it for a graduate course.  Anyways, the founding priests/scholars/Bible translators/monks/all of the above believed that all sex was abominable and that even marriage was unpure and a sin.  They believed that the only way to be a good Christian was to remain a virgin until death but knew that the religion would not spread if there were no children and the only way to have children was to…. have sex.  So they made it permissible to have sex within marriage as a way to control sex and virginity and spread the religion.  If the founding people of Christianity had their way, meaning that there was no sex, then the religion would have died out around the 3rd century and we would all be Muslims right now.  So that’s what I mean by the Bible going through man’s eyes – during the time the Bible was written/translated/edited, sex was basically the worst thing ever.

I hope this helps and puts some perspective on the history of sex, marriage, and the writing of the Bible.  I’m really sorry if any of this is offensive, I did not mean it to be.  Also, if I remember that source I will re-post with it…

Post # 10
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

an engagement is really pledging yourself to someone… the wedding just makes it legal and official… it’s nice to wait for the wedding night (we are trying soooo hard lol…so I know how hard it is) but don’t beat yourself up… it was not a one night stand…you have pledged yourself to him… it’s just a matter of time till it’s legal…

Post # 11
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Mrs. Puffin: I agree with everything you said.

Fiance and I have already had sex.  We have been together for 5 years and he is the only person I have slept with.  Sometimes I have felt guilty about it, but then I really think about it.  PP’s are right about the fact that in the Bible, being engaged was “sacred” and considered married in today’s terms.  God has been there through all the rough times and great times in our relationship.  When we broke up for nearly a year, I truly believe that God got me through it (it was a veryyyy hard time for me).  God knows how much we love each other.  We are getting married in 2 months.  I think getting married will change a lot of things in our lives and our love may have a different “feel”  to it, but it doesn’t make it any less valid because we have 2 months to go before we are officially married.

Post # 12
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Mrs.W2012: Seriously, don’t beat yourself up. Sin is sin and this isn’t any more heinous than the next one. You are taking appropriate steps to rectify the situation by choosing to repent and turn away.

Post # 13
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My Fiance and I are both Christian, my Mom and family are extrenely strong followers of the Word and Laws of God.  My Fiance and I have been living together for 9.5 years, and my family isn’t oblivious to the fact that we have adult relations.   Surprisingly, my Mom’s take on it, as well as my Gpa is that in the eyes of God we committed ourselves long ago, the wedding will be an act officially recognizing that personal committment, but our relationship with God is personal, and in that there is a personal understanding with him of our committment prior to the wedding.

Don’t beat yourself up, and don’t worry about talking to the Pastor.  My Pastor was incredibly loving and gave great advice on these topics when I was younger and struggling with guilt.

Post # 14
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My Fiance and I are also Christian and he was the first (and only) person I had sex with. But after awhile we both realized that it was making it difficult to commit to our faith because we knew we were doing something we weren’t supposed to, so we stopped having sex.

However, due to some unfortunate circumstances (unemployment, evil roommate), we moved in together. Not ideal, but we did what made the most sense. But we still don’t have sex. Yeah, it’s really hard. We certainly are not perfect and acting like roommates or anything, haha, but we’ve managed to not have sex. Our thinking was that if we weren’t living together, we wouldn’t be having sex, and just because we live together doesn’t necessarily mean we need to completely ruin our commitment. We don’t expect other people to feel the same way, but so far it’s worked for us.

But to your question, we all sin. We sin everyday in different ways. Having sex is just a very obvious sin. If asked, admit it. If you’re not asked, you don’t need to bring it up. You realized the error of your ways and are doing your best. End of story.

Post # 15
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@LaurenK0105: I agree with absolutely everything you just said.

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