(Closed) FH can’t manage money! Help!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think the top reason for divorce is money so your fears are not unreasonable.  He has a serious problem if he doesn’t understand how to handle money or isn’t willing to manage his money.

That said, he is right…you are not just any creditor, you are his fiancee.  This is why a lot of people recommend that you never lend money to family or friends because it oftentimes ruins relationships.  Obviously, saying this doesn’t fix things now, but I think you’re best off taking it as a lesson and assuming you’ll never get it back.  (If you get married, it’s your money together anyhow.)  Once you’ve accepted that – sit down and work with him on resolving his money issues.  They are not insignificant.

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

The number one reason for divorce is money troubles. So perfect guy or not, money is is a breaker.

That being said he may or may not understand how serious money is because you bail him out. He thinks once you are married his money is yours and vis versa, so he doesnt need to earn or spend wisely. True that your money is his, but he DOES need to earn and spend wisely.

You never give money to a friend or loved one as a loan. Its only a gift, because mostly they dont pay it back under the pretenses of being loved. This is that case. Forgive the loan and set new boundaries. Tell him he needs to save $X for a ring, or a house, or get a new job that earns $X dollars because this IS your future. It doesnt matter who makes more money, but making $1000 a month is nothing. That is minimum wage full time. Its a partnership and whether he makes nothing or a ton he needs to do his share, even if doing his share is not spending what little he makes.

Post # 6
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This would make me run, so so so fast.

Post # 7
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Money is a deal breaker. You either need to be of the mindset that your money is his money. When you are married, you will be paying his bills. Why? Because his credit will effect you. You will end up paying for all of the extras, dinners, vacations, and when you do the math after paying all of his stuff, probably your own birthday present. Trust me. I know this all too well.

Or you need to break it off. Are his parents bad with money? I’ve noticed that with most people they have the same money habits as their parents. He may not be able to change the way he is with money, if he’s always seen it handled in the same manner he is handling it.

Post # 8
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

As the pp mentioned poor money management IS a HUGE problem.. and is very different than someone who just doesn’t make a whole lot.

You say that he’d be a great father, but really if he can’t put his wants aside then how is he supposed to help provide for a family…. where you pretty much give ALL of yourself.. not just your finances.

Not managing money speaks on many other areas of selfishness…. his wants come before his needs… and apparently yours too (and one day your children’s), he does not take responsibility when he does fault and expects you to pick up his slack, and the fact that this is re-occuring tells me that he really doesn’t see the problem.

I hate to say it, but this does not look like a healthy pre-marriage set up at all, where 2 people are working together for a common goal <– which is what marriage is always, in every season, all about. I would be making my way out… atleast for a stalemate seperation…. and by seperation I mean atleast 3mths (as anything less than this is just “playing right” for what’s necessary and generally the new “healthy habits” don’t stay and then you’re dealing with the same guy & same problems.)

Ugh.. ((hugs)) that you’re in this situation but I would NOT and I mean would NOT marry this man… things that are wrong in dating do NOT get better in marriage and generally get worse…

I would much rather break an engagment over possibly later filing for divorce =/

Post # 9
Member
3254 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I honestly think this is an issue you guys need to handle before making the huge step into marriage. As PPs have mentioned, money is the root of many marital problems and can even be ground for divorce, so don’t take it lightly. It doesn’t mean you need to break up, but postponing or even canceling the wedding for the time being may be a smart decision…

Post # 10
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh boy!  As I read your post I thought you were posting about my ex husband!  It sounds like your fiance is counting on you to bail him out of every financial situation he gets into.  And so far you have.  Why would he think anything different.  He is not going to change how he handles money unless HE wants to.  And again, why would he want to if you keep coming to his rescue?  What you are seeing are HUGE red flags.  It won’t change once you’re married.  If he is truly like my ex – it will only get worse.  Another thing my ex did was go to counseling with me, say all the right things in front of the counselor and go right back to doing the the wrong things.  He would tell me he went to counseling like I wanted so get off his case.  With that being said, if and only if you want to deal with this or worse for your married life, then ignore your friend’s advice.  I, however, think your friend is giving you great advice.  

Post # 11
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Unless he is willing to turn over all money management to you every month, with you having a tight grip on things, and him having only an allowance to manage, I don’t see how this is going to work without leaving both of you in financial shambles.

Post # 12
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Honestly, this is a dealbreaker for me. I’ve worked too hard to keep my credit up and my debt down. If he can’t change now, he’s not going to change once you’re married. I would need him to really show some desire to get better at this…looking hard for a better paying job while creating and sticking to a budget that will keep him on the plus side at the end of every month.

I see others saying to forgive the loan…and while that may be your only option, I know I would personally never be able to forgive the person who didn’t pay back a loan. Do you know how mortified I would be if I’d borrowed money from somebody I care about and wasn’t able to pay them back? I’d be doing everything in my power to get that money because it’s just a sign of respect to honor your debts. I would feel like he doesn’t respect me if he can’t even TRY to work out a system to pay me back.

It sounds like he has no concern for finances….and that’s just not realistic. I understand some folks are better at “money” than others, but this is not an issue you can bury your head in the sand over. If you’re not good at money, then LEARN how to get better.

Post # 13
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honestly, money is the thing that most people fight over.  I think that you need to see a financial advisor to see if the two of you can work this out and if not, you need to seriously decide if this is a deal breaker.

Post # 14
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I also sort of agree, you should at least try a separation…leave him to fend for his own for a while…and put him on a payment schedue. Even if it’s just $20/month he needs to start paying you SOMETHING. I would take his ass to Judge Judy if he coudn’t do that. 

I know you love him, but he is just showing you ZERO respect by refusing to take responsibility…and what’s love without respect?

Post # 15
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

i agree with the PP – red flag for sure !

Post # 16
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Btw, there is nothing to be ashamed about making $1000 a month – as long as you live within your means.  What did he do prior to meeting you to make ends meet?

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