Post # 1
My FH’s family HATES me. Period. And the funny thing is, they dont even know me! His father saw me once at their store before my FH and I even started dating. His sister completely blew me off when I said “hi” and the mother has never even seen me. For one thing, I am not Korean and they dont approve of their son dating outside of their ethnicity and two, I have a child from a previous marriage (we eloped and that guy totally cheated on me). He told me that his parents were going to take some time warming up to the idea of him dating me, and they did to an extent. They accepted that we were together, but in the back of their minds, I guess they thought that we would never make it this far. We are now planning our wedding and when he told them we were getting married, (mind you I still havent met them b/c his mother threatened to slap me if she ever saw me), they told him that he was crazy and that it was a HUGE mistake. They even went and gave him an ultimatum: If he marries me, he will get fired from his job (they own a family business) and that he would not be family to them anymore. His family refuses to be at the wedding and they have even gotten to the point where they are making up bad things about my family. His father told him that they did a “background check” on my mother and apparently, my mother has “been around” and was in 3 or 4 different marriages. My parents got married one month after dating and have been together for the past 31 years. My father was and is the first and only man my mother has “been” with. I cant even believe that they would stoop soo low to go as far as talking crap about my family-whom they dont even know! His sister accused my FH of having an STD because she saw him scratching near his “area” and has continuously bad mouthed me and called me dirty. I’ve never in my entire life experienced anything like this. I’m literally in tears because I dont know what to do. I feel horrible about even having a wedding because no one from his family will be there. It will literally be MY family and maybe 15 of his friends. I feel guilty that he has to decide between me and his family. He told them that he’s choosing both and his father is blaming him that their family is breaking apart because he wants to marry me still.
Bees, I am at a loss. It has gotten soo petty that they even treat him like a dog at work. If he is even 30 seconds late for work, they take his pay. His sister comes in 4 or 5 hours late and nothing happens. They refuse to pay my FH his commission money (they owe him 8k) b/c they know it will going towards the wedding. They wont pay him unless he has dinner with them b/c his family wants to have an intervention.
What I dont understand is this, Why am I such a horrible person? What did I do to make them hate me soo much? Why cant they see how happy we are? I am 27 years old, served 6 years in the Marine Corps, am finishing up my last prerequisites and will hopefully be accepted into Med School, all while being a single mother for a long time. For his family to think that I am going to use his son for anything is ridiculous! I dont need my FH financially, but I do need him physically and emotionally. He is my other half and my rock.
I am at the point where I’m considering calling the wedding off and just getting married in the Virgin Islands with just some of our close friends and some of my family. We have put deposits down on everything here already.. from the venue to the dj and even the photobooth. I use to be really really excited about the wedding, but now its causing me more pain.
I dont know how to change his family’s mind about me. They wont even give me a chance. What should I do? How do I handle this? And should I just cancel the wedding?
I apologize for the long rant, but I needed to vent b/c I am soo embarrassed and ashamed i dont want any of my family and friends to know.
Post # 3
Wow, sorry you’re dealing with all this. It certainly sucks and isn’t an easy thing to deal with. My first piece of advice would be for your Fiance to find a different job. It’s absurd that they are withholding his paycheck which he earned. It would be one thing if they were withholding a gift or inheritence but this is money he worked for. They owe it to him. He shouldn’t deal with that and he needs to show them that he will not tolerate this type of manipulation and control over a grown man. Second, I think you need to meet them. Even if the arrangements have to be made behind their back. You say his family demands he eat dinner with them…your Fiance needs to invite you to one of these dinners. It probably won’t be pretty but I think it would at the very least show them that you and your Fiance are a united front and that this behavior will not be tolerated. If she really does slap you, leave. Third, you say you’ve already put down the deposits: how long until your planned wedding? If you have time to actively work on this situation before the wedding? If yes, then I say you should try your best to work on the situation and be the bigger person because running off to the islands will certainly drive an even bigger wedge between everyone that will most likely be extremely difficult to overcome. Oh, and please, please, please don’t subject your child to this family drama. Whenever these conversations are taking place make sure your kid isn’t around so they don’t have to deal with the constant, inappropriate bashing of their mother.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry these damn Koreans are driving you crazy, girl! (I’m 1/2 so I understand a bit of their culture) They can be tough to please when they’re so set in their ways about certain things. The most important thing is that you & your FH love each other and are happy. I say just elope and forget them all because they seem totally CRAZY and rude. I am sure that with time (and this could mean a LONG time) they will come around, and you going to med school will probably impress them a lot. Many of the Koreans I know are unfortunately too preoccupied with appearances, but if they’re giving you this much grief and stress then I say just disown them. Does your FH stand up for you at least? If he’s strong enough to continue pursuing you as his wife even with all this drama, then go for it! I hope it gets better, good luck!
Post # 5
Just….wow. I am so, so sorry you have to deal with your FI’s clearly psychotic family. Good god. I know it’s cultural, but there’s really no excuse for acting so horrifically to an innocent person for who they are, not anything they’ve done. They should be ashamed of themselves.
I say disown the miserable bastards. How does your Fiance feel about that?
Post # 6
That is such a tough situation. I voted to stay with the wedding plans but @lezlers has a great question….How does your Fiance feel about it?
Post # 7
He needs to find a new job.
Post # 8
Wow, that is horrible!!! If I were him, I would definitely find another job ASAP!!! Is he able to let his family go and marry you? You shouldn’t feel guilty about him making a choice between his original family and you and your son. He is an adult and it is his decision to make. And they are “making” him choose. They are being horribly racist and manipulative! I don’t know if I would meet with them, as they sound like they would treat you horribly-although if you want to try, it would be best to meet them in a public place-such as a restaurant for dinner. But it sounds like they have already made up their mind about you-without giving you or your son a chance. I would invite them to your wedding, but chances are they would not show up, and could possibly “disown” your Fiance, but with the way they are behaving, I would say “Good Riddance!” With family like that, who needs enemies. It sounds like you need to have a major talk with your Fiance. Best Wishes.
Post # 9
I think you need to have a serious convo with Fiance like the other ladies said. I don’t know that I can give you advice – is your Fiance wavering? Would he be willing to cut them off? Could you deal with their drama throughout the rest of your marriage or is that a deal breaker? I think this is really a personal evaluation of what you can and can’t put up with in a relationship.
Good luck and keep us updated! So sorry you are going through this!
Post # 10
Ack that’s horrible! First of all, he needs to get a new job, right now! Them treating him like dirt is not acceptable and not paying him for his work is ILLEGAL!
As for the wedding, I would go with what your Fiance wants. If it were my family acting like that, I would probably completely cut them off and see if that makes them turn around (especially since they never took the chance to meet you before having these opinions about you).
Post # 11
I’ve spoken to my Fiance and have cried relentlessly over this. At one point I even considered breaking up because I didnt want to be the reason for him to lose his family. He is very strong in feelings and told me that he made his choice to be with me. He tells me that he wants us to have a wedding because he knows it means alot to me and my family, especially my father. He has stuck up for me on many occasions but they refuse to even hear it. I know he loves me, and that he will be there for me, but I cant help but feel horrible inside. I dont know how to explain why his family doesnt want to meet mine and how they wont be attending the wedding. I’ve thought about what will happen if we have children in the future and if they want to be a part of that. My FH spent the last 10 years of life helping his family to make their company grow and sacrificed soo much. It’s hard for him because he feels like it’s been a waste. His father even threatened to give the entire business to his sister and not give a share if we get married. He says he doesnt care, but I’m sure he is and just doesnt want to show it. He told his family that he doesnt want to go to dinner unless I’m invited and his mom flipped out. I am now banned from going to their work to bring my FH food or see him during any breaks. His sister started Sprint Locating him on his phone to find out where he is all the time and calls and harasses him. we had to get him a new phone line. It’s just crazy!
Post # 12
**Hugs, sorry you both are going through this. I think that maybe it’s time for him to separate from the pack, and live his own life. Get another job etc. Maybe one day they will come around, but in the mean time, it’s their loss! Be proud of yourself. You are a strong woman and you know you have good intentions in regards to you FH. Be happy, hun. And Congrats on your engagement! >.< P.S. IMO, I would soooo have your Fiance sue his parents for the cash they owe him. I don’t know about the U.S, but in Canada, if your employer holds your pay from you, it’s illegal 🙂
Post # 13
Your Fiance sounds like a good strong person to not let his stupid family interfere with your relationship. If your friends and family can make it for a destination wedding then go for it. If you’d be eloping rather than having a destination wedding I probably wouldn’t. Since your FI’s family isn’t going to be there for him then it’s doubly important to see how many people really are there to support your relationship.
Also, it is not embarassing for you that your FI’s family is prejudiced. So long as your friends and family know you they will support you and understand that his family is totally wrong.
Post # 14
To reiterate what you already know, but is always good to hear:
YOU are not making him decide between you and his family. HE is not abandoning/leaving his family. THEY are making him decide; THEY are the ones threatening to abandon HIM.
I’m really sorry that this is happening to you. But I do think it’s important for you to remember that you bear no responsbility in this. Feel bad about the situation, but don’t feel guilty. It is FI’s decision to make and it sounds like he’s already made it. The best that you can do is be supportive of him.
As far as the wedding goes, it’s really up to you and him and I think that you should think of it outside the context of this family drama. What kind of wedding do you want? Whatever it is, go for it. (And there are probably people who will completely disagree with this, but having seen a similar situation with friends, I think that it would be a gesture of goodwill to invite them to the wedding, even if they don’t come. My friend’s inlaws, who still haven’t completely accepted her, did come to the wedding, glowered the entire time, but they came.)
Post # 15
Fiance is in the works of looking for a new job. Originally, his father told him that he has 1 year left to be with the company (till the day we get married), and now his father says he cant wait longer anymore and is giving him a few weeks—basically enforcing the ultimatum even more. He doesnt want to give Fiance a week vacation to job search (he hasnt taken a one week vacation in 9 years) and asked if I was the one forcing Fiance to marry me, and also asked if I was pregnant. UGH… I wish I could just go to him and talk to him.
Post # 16
I hope that your Fiance finds another job SOON!!! It is just unimaginable to me that his family is disowning him. It’s their loss. Don’t lose sleep over it. Consider yourself lucky not to have to meet with them, from what you’ve said, I wouldn’t want to meet them. They are not worth trying to have a relationship with. Hopefully, he has other extended family that would like to keep in touch and support you. Creating a new family will be wonderful for your poor Fiance. I feel bad for both of you. Chin Up, though. Look forward to your future together, and forget about them. BTW-you have nothing to be ashamed of. Make your wedding one that is important to both of you. Don’t let their not coming be the reason for changing things. Do what you both really want.