(Closed) FH fell for my best friend – should she come to the wedding?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Eeek! I wouldn’t invite her, but I would talk to her and tell her why because if you didn’t invite her and never talked to her about it, your friendship will be over for SURE. Tell her you very much value your friendship and history, but you feel awkward in this situation and aren’t really sure the best way to handle it, but that this is what you feel. That is, if that’s what you actually feel… I would. πŸ˜‰ Good luck! This must be a hard thing to go through.

Post # 4
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

That’s a really tough one…I don’t think I’d feel uncomfortable having here there.  You don’t need any awkwardness on your wedding day!!

Post # 5
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can only offer *hugs* and not much advice.  I’m sure this is much more complicated than you are able to explain in a few paragraphs. 

I personally wouldn’t invite your friend, and I would re-evaluate your plans for marriage.  It sounds like you’re not completely secure and sure of your relationship with your Fiance.  In my opinion, it’s of the utmost importance to feel like you can trust him with ANYTHING… you’re not there yet, by the sounds of things.  Good luck, I hope you find some answers. 

Post # 7
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would invite her. It’s not her fault that your Fiance strayed. She didn’t seem to reciprocate the feelings in any way. I’m not sure why it’s an issue for your FH’s father? I’m a little confused by that.

Post # 9
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I wouldn’t invite her. I think your wedding day should be about celebrating the beginning of a new life between you and your husband, and why run the risk of anything tarnishing that? I know she is a close friend, and I think she has probably already thought about all of this on her own. She may feel awkward about coming to the wedding also! My gut feeling is that the day should be about you two, and if anyone elses’ presence will interfere or stress you out, don’t invite them! This must be a hard decision for you, good luck!

Post # 10
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Do not invite her. 

Post # 11
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with KateMW and would invite her.  It is NOT HER FAULT he fell for her.  She also did NOT ENCOURAGE HIM in any way apparently.  It is your FH who had the problem.

Btw, I’m blonde and have had some women over the years say something similar about being “one of those” blondes as you put it, and it always hurt because I am simply who I am and NOT somebody to label.  I’m not one to steal somebody’s guy, and I am about as trustworthy and loyal a friend as you can get.  My hair color and curves are just part of who I am and we should imho love our friends for who they are ON THE INSIDE. 

If you were my friend irl, and I had been nothing but respectful to you when your guy made overtures to me and I was up front about wanting no part of it, and also thinking that he’d moved on from that “thing” he did, I would personally be hurt if you didnt’ invite me to your wedding.  And honestly, it would be a friendship deal breaker for me 100 percent for being somewhat “punished” for doing NOTHING to be punished for.  I understand this is difficult, but she is your friend.  Why not work to repair the friendship and get over her outward self, for she must care for you alot.  How would you wish to be treated if the roles were reversed?  Would you want her to do that to you? 

For when the wedding is over, the dress is put away, the honeymoon pictures are in a scrapbook, there will still be the issue of your friend being able to remain your friend.    

 As far as FH’s dad goes, I would let him know that nothing’s happened for so long and she is YOUR FRIEND and the past is the past.

My overall concern would be for your FH.  Developing “feelings” for another woman is a huge warning sign.  Have you two COMPLETELY worked through this?  this very issue would be at the top of my concern list, NOT my friend being at my wedding btw.  Is that issue totally solved?  Fidelity is huge to me btw. 

I’m sorry you’re going thru this mess and know it’s a sticky situation.  Wishing you love and happiness and here’s a huge hive hug from me!  ((((coconutmellie)))))

Post # 12
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

what are your reasons for wanting to invite her? are you two still close? it wasn’t clear to me. if you’re not close, don’t t invite her–it’s not worth the trouble and awkwardness that might result from your FH seeing someone with whom he had a falling out at his wedding.  if she was already embarrassed in the first place about what transpired, i’m sure she will understand why she did not get an invite.

Post # 13
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If you haven’t spoken more than two sentences to her in the last two years, will you really be upset if she isn’t at your wedding? I would pose that question about ANY guest, much less one who will bring that level of awkwardness around.

Maybe I am being harsh, but I would not invite her, would not call her to make a big deal about telling her she is not invited, and would probably never think about her again.

Am I mean? πŸ˜‰

 

Regardless, do not spend this amount of time worrying about this. You have happier, and more important issues to deal with!

Post # 14
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

“we haven’t spoken 10 sentences in 2 years, and we are happy and comfortable with that.”

So clearly this girl is not a best friend.. an acquaintance that you can pick up with when you see her right? That time does not have to be your wedding. i’m sure she would understand, even though everything is over and done with, that you are a little uncomfortable with her there on the day you and your FH tie the knot. If she can’t understand your decision and ends the friendship over not getting an invite, then she wasn’t that good of a friend to begin with. It’s your big day, do what you want girlie! You have no obligation to invite ANYONE πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I wouldnt invite her either…honestly if I was her I’d feel awkward at a wedding of someone who had feelings for me, especially since their friendship soured so quickly.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it made her feel uncomfortable, and the wedding may as well.  You also mentioned that the two of you don’t keep in contact any longer, so I can’t imagine she would be too angry/hurt she wasn’t invited.

I think it could just save alot of weirdness/awkward/insecure feelings on a day you don’t want to feel anything but excited and happy and secure.

Maybe after the wedding you can try to rekindle the friendship, but doing that now, so close to the wedding may give you unnecessary stress…Good luck πŸ™‚

Post # 16
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m sorry, but the most disturbing part of this story is the fact that your FH was dating you when he confessed his feelings to your girlfriend.  Crushes are normal – and you were right to not flip out about the fact that he had one.  But his reaction to his crush was completely inappropriate.  If he had feelings for your friend, he should have just made sure to spend less time with her or only see her in non-tempting situations (like not drinking around her and only spending time with her when her boyfriend or other friends are present).  

I honestly don’t know any guys who confess their crushes to women, hoping that they will be shot down so that their feeling can lesson.  The guys I know only express their feelings when they are hoping that the women feel the same way and are willing to date them.   He also didn’t tell you any of this until after it happened, when quite frankly he might have been worried that your friend would tell you what he said to her.  

Is he generally an honest person?  Or have there been any other situations in the past that have caused you to question his honesty or fidelity?

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