FH financially supports mom + other family concerns

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

I would recommend that you meet with a financial planner since you it appears that you are getting married this coming summer. Will you be getting premaritial counseling at all from your church or elsewhere? You need to look at your monthly expenses and income and TOGETHER decide what you feel is reasonable percentage to contribute to his mother and other family members. It seems like you feel comfortable with contributing something but it seems like this is a very open ended amount for multiple relatives right now. Would you feel comfortable contributing 3 percent of your joint income, 5 percent of your joint income, 10 percent? I think you both need to determine a percentage/number and stick to it. Your fiancee is not Santa Claus. You will have expenses you don’t even know about yet from buying a house to having children, etc.. If you don’t come to a joint decision you will resent this. Also, are there other family members that can support his mother as well as assist with college tuition with other relatives?

Post # 17
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I also agree that this was a dynamic established long before you came into the picture. Even if you are able to change his behavior, it is unlikely to change his feelings on the matter, so he may be torn in different directions. He feels that he needs to support his parents, at the very least. You may disagree with that, but will it tear him apart if he reneges on his agreement? I think the two of you need to get to the bottom of this before you marry, and even then it might cause some frustration with him down the road.

Post # 18
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee

 sarathemermaid :    sablescorpion22 :   I’m in agreement. If you marry this man your entire life is going to be an endless tug of war between you(and your future kids) and his family. Not something I would sign up for.

Post # 19
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

I dont think there is any way to change your FIs mindset.  My Dh is also from a culture that frequently expects sons to support their relatives.  I brought this up with him before we got engaged.  I asked him what his expectations were with regards to his parents.  Fortunately he does not want them to live with us or to provide them regular financial support.  

However, his family has asked to borrow money several times.  (They are very wealthy but mismanage their money.) He had a really hard time saying no.  It’s very hard to overcome cultural expectations.  I would try to see if your fi would be willing to scale back the giving, but this is likely something you will need to learn to live with if you get married.  

Post # 20
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

This sounds very familiar and I’ve got a few friends from uni (western country)  who have the same mentality. It is tied to culture. I spoke with a friend who was looking for a wife and as we chatted I asked why he was looking for a woman exclusively form his own culture. In return he asked me (white European woman)  “would you be ok with my parents moving in? Me paying for them monthly? Taking in my niece is she wants to go move here for college?”. So yeah, in my opinion this is a cultural difference. Compromise is possible if both are willing.

Post # 21
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Hell’s no,  I would not sign up for that.  You will only ever be second,  if you have kids they will have less because his family will either be the financial priority or “equals” with *all* your monies. I would not be willing to support other adults indefinitely. That’s a recipe for bitter resentment, poverty/debt ( yours!) and disaster. 

Post # 22
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m so sorry Bee. I almost never give this advice, but I’d walk away from this relationship. This isn’t a case of him having trouble laying down boundaries. It sounds like he doesn’t WANT boundaries. He likes the near-constant contact. He thinks it’s reasonable to pay for his nieces and nephews college even though their moms don’t work. All of this is just HELL NO from me. 

How will you feel about him down the road if he provides more for your nieces and nephews than he is to your own children? Or if you and the kids are going without because your Mother-In-Law is getting a monthly allowance? These are things I’d never sign up for in a million years. It seems it is just an incompatibility based on cultural differences. He clearly doesn’t realize that the new nuclear family takes precedence — or he just doesn’t agree with that premise. 

Please don’t spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle and growing resentful while these people get more of him than you do. Find a man who bends over backward to meet your needs, not his mom and sister’s. 

And FWIW, I know some people don’t think that degree of contact is a lot, but holy fuck that would drive me insane. If my DH’s family was blowing up his phone like that while we were on a romantic getaway I would lose my shit. This family seems to have zero boundaries and that isn’t going to change. 

Post # 23
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah if the guy i was marrying was planning on being his parents retirement plan, on top of handling his own retirement? NOPE. 

Planning for your own retirement with your husband is hard enough. 1 medical issue and your retirement fund could dissapear overnight. I couldn’t marry someone who was a retirement plan for his parents because I find that so innapropriate. I get that some cultures work that way, but that doesn’t mean it has to continue being that way. I mean is your husband going to continue that tradition with your kids? Are you going to expect your children to be your retirement plan? It isn’t a tradition I would be in any way wanting to continue. 

I get that culturally people used to have kids to help support the family, to join in on doing the work, doing the farming. Having kids used to be a retirement plan. But now that we all know better, we know that you don’t have kids for selfish reasons. You don’t have kids just so there is someone to financially provide for you. Having children should be a selfless act where the kids always come first. It’s time that old guilt trip way of raising kids stopped. 

Sign up for some pre-marital counseling together. Talk through finances, family vs. the new family you are creating. Go over responsibilities and priorities. Paying for anything other than his parents should be off the table forever period. Then work on the “why” he pays for his parents issue in counseling. 

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