Post # 1
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
For several months now, my ex has been in contact with my mother and brother through Facebook. According to my mother, their conversations are always short, usually wishing the other happy birthday or holiday and sometimes asking about me and how I am. At the first of June, my ex sent me a message asking me how I was doing and how school was going. It was a short message and I sent a short reply. I haven’t spoken to him since and he hasn’t tried to contact me again. I had intended to mention it to my FH, but didn’t get a chance to before he found out because he had school and work and I was busy getting things together for my next semester and paying bills. He opened my computer and I was still signed into Facebook and he then checked my messages.
This led to an arguement. I told him that I had planned to tell him when I got in from running errands in town since we hadn’t spoken at all that day. He said he didn’t trust my ex, though he had never met him nor had any reason to not trust him.
I didn’t plan to hide it from him and he would have heard it from me if he hadn’t gone snooping through my Facebook. I know I probably shouldn’t have responded, but I’ve been dealing with FH talking constantly about his ex and their past and their sex and their feelings through our entire relationship. His ex still calls him, still texts him and for most of our relationship, she was visiting him every day and tried multiple times to get FH to have sex with her. He would even meet her for lunch, while I was with him, and she would openly discuss their sex life and such. After arguing with me about why I shouldn’t have responded to my ex, he proceeded to tell me about more things with his ex and how he feels obligated to be friends with her…
I suppose I don’t see the harm in a civil “Hi, just wanted to see if all was well with you” message as opposed to the kinds of things he and his ex talked about. There was only that one message, nothing more. But FH has gotten jealous and suspicious of the things I’m doing. He’s been asking me why I’m tanning and dying my hair. He’s been asking me why I’m painting my nails and asking about the beach trip I was planning to take with three of my girlfriends.
I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or if I did some horrible thing but I’m not sure how to handle his jealousy without handing over my Facebook and email passwords and my text logs…I told him that I was sorry for responding to him and promised to tell him if he messaged me again (which I would have done anyway, despite him not telling me about his ex’s sexual advances for nearly 6 months after the fact).
I know, it sounds vengeful, but it’s upsetting because it doesn’t seem fair.
Please forgive me for this post. I’m hot and already frustrated and I needed to vent…
Post # 3
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
so its ok for him to talk to his ex and hang out with her, and discuss unappropriate things but your not allowed to have a harmless conversation? If he is being paranoid like that it would make me wonder about him to be honest
Post # 4
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
Oh, gosh, the issue here is not the message he found from your ex but the constant contact he has with his. Why is he “allowed” this contact with her and you’re not allowed an innocent message. You use the word “vengeful”. Do you think that’s what you’re doing? Taking revenge for his (in my opinion) inappropriate relationship with his ex?
He has to seriously cut ties with his ex to make your relationship grow and flourish. That’s all I see in your post. Big hugs to you.
Post # 5
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@Miss Feather: totally agree with this!! Most times, when they flip over something like this, but they are also doing something wrong that’s worse, they try to put it on you because they feel guilty themselves.
I was thinking about you, because weren’t you the one posting about your Fiance being a beligerent racist a**hole?? IF not, I’m sorry, but it so, I’m not sure why you are still with him given your values and the way he acts…
Post # 6
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
@MrsSl82be:
That’s right. It is the same poster.
@SouthernGirl:
Please just have the courage to leave him. You deserve so much better.
Post # 7
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
I agree with PPs. It sounds really off to me that he thinks it’s fine for him to have so much contact with his ex (and to talk about SUCH inappropriate things with her, and to you about her!), and yet you are not allowed a simple, “Hi, how ya doin’?” email with yours.
I don’t know about the other thread that the PPs mentioned, but based on your post in this thread alone, this guy sounds like trouble.
Post # 8
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
I agree with @MrsSl82be- I remember that other post, too. I don’t have very good feelings about your Fiance. 🙁
I think it is very unfair and incongruous for him to still have constant contact with his ex and you are questioned about a simple “hi, how are ya” from yours.
The jealousy issues are startlingly bad. You should never have to explain your reasonings for going tanning/dying your hair/painting your nails/etc…ever! Don’t allow yourself to get into the habit of feeling like you have to explain these things.
How frustrating!!! I hate that you’re having to deal with this type of behaviour from your FI!
Post # 8
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
Wow, I just found and read your other post. Sweetie, I hope that you’re taking steps to either get into counseling with him, or working up your nerve to leave him. It sounds like a really bad situation that you’re in. 🙁
Post # 9
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
Imma just come out and say it. You did nothing wrong, his reaction and violation of your privacy on the other hand, big problem. Esp with how he acts with his ex. I’m sorry to be so blunt and say this but are you sure he is not still with her if you catch my drift? In my experiance men who act like this are overcompensating for their own guilty behavior. (women as well)
My Fiance and I have a very trusting relationship but we also talk about things like exes contacting us openly. And no disrespect, but if my FIs ex acted like that the conversation would go: I trust you but I dont trust her, and I really dont appreciate her making moves on you when she knows you are with me, nor do I appreciate hearing about your sexual escapades with her or anyother woman. Either both of you modify your behavior or I would really like you to break off contact with her for my sake. Just saying.
I think this is something you two really need to sit down and talk about, and discuss why he has been acting so suspicios of you and why he flipped out like he did, and why he was reading your fb messages as well.
Post # 10
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@Just_Squeeze: I thought so, I remembered the avatar.
Ugh, OP this sucks, but honestly, I really believe that he is the guilty one, and you need to just walk away from this. You will find someone who treats you wonderfully, shares your values, and isn’t a racist and homophobic pig, and wonder why you didn’t walk away sooner.
Post # 11
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee
Yep, In full agreement with the PP. he is projecting his guilt on to you. He is doing sketchy things with his ex so he assumes you are with yours too.
This guy doesn’t sound worthy of you. I hope for the straw to break the camels back for you soon!
Post # 12
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
The best and ONLY way to handle this particular situation that you are in is to kick hiss @ss to the curb. Don’t even THINK about it. Just do it. That’ll be the best thing you would’ve ever done. (I speak from experience with an ex similar to your ‘FH’.)
Post # 13
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I can’t really figure out why you’d consider this person worthy of being your future husband considering your posts about him. Maybe you’re just venting I don’t know, but sometimes venting needs to stop and action needs to start. I really hope you can do what you know is best for you.
Post # 14
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
@Just_Squeeze: I fourth this. Or whatever number I am. Just, yes, a thousand times yes, you can do better.
Post # 15
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
Agreed with all the PPs. I think that there was a reason the wedding had to be postponed, and from the thread you posted last week, I think you shouldn’t even contemplate whether to leave him or not.
Leave him. Seriously.
Any of these instances by themselves could be him having a bad day or something he feels threatened about. But put them all together? Racist? Disrespectful? Jealousy issues? Controlling? Manipulative? Hypocritical? Not willing to compromise?
I’m sure you needed to vent, but honestly, does he ever make you happy anymore? From some of the things you described, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole. He sounds like he doesn’t trust you at all, is controlling and sees you as a thing instead of a beautiful woman he loves and cares for, and could care less about being a team with you.