FH is pro spanking. I'm against it.

posted 2 years ago in Parenting
Post # 106
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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beethree :  let us roll around in the back seat? We were in car seats until we were five and never got fed bad food.  

Not sure where you’re from  but this wasn’t the case in the  late 80s or early 90s here. 

Post # 107
Member
7027 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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missviolet92 :  I forgot that you are such a youngster. Regardless–making contemporary choices based upon was known and accepted as good practice 20-30 years prior is foolish in any instance, including parenting. 

One day, if/when you are actually a parent, I hope you will do your homework and adjust your approach. 

Post # 108
Hostess
9136 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Bees this has gone from differing opinions to personal attacks. If this continues I will close this thread. 

Post # 109
Member
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have 3 kids and I’m kind of laughing at all the posters saying things to the effect of “ you wouldn’t hit your coworker, friend etc.” No I wouldn’t, but I also have never had to pick up my boss or the mailman and haul them out of a restaurant while they did an alligator death roll like I did with my toddler yesterday. The two situations are completely different and and I find it absurd to compare. I would never discipline another adult in any way- but it is a parents JOB to discipline their children. Spank or don’t sprank- but don’t act like your relationship with your kids should be just like that of those with the adults in your life. I think the OP should reconsider marrying this man because your parenting strategies are just not compatible.

edited at add: my toddler was not spanked for her restaurant outburst, just removed from the situation- so no worries!

Post # 110
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

removed cause I read it wrong! 🤐

Post # 111
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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jellybellynelly :  when children start acting like adults, they’ll be treated accordingly 

Post # 112
Member
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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jellybellynelly :  if you had read my post I did NOT hit my child in a restaurant. I never said I hit any of my children- so I’m not sure why you think I’m pro spanking. And no, I do not have the same relationship with my 17 month old that I do with adults. 

Post # 113
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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eeniebeans :  okay I’ll plead mercy on that one – I thoigh you wrote she wasn’t spanked AT the restaurant, only when she was removed haha. I apologize ❤️ 

Post # 114
Member
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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jellybellynelly :  no worries! Thanks for the apology!

Post # 115
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Smacking is not just a yes/no topic. 

For pro-smackers:

What transgressions are bad enough for a smack? Dangerous behaviour such as playing with power sockets, or not eating your dinner?  Can you smack a toddler?  A teenager?  An adult child? 

Is the smack issued with an object or by hand?  Is it across the face or across the bottom? 

Is it the first line of discipline, or only issued after multiple warnings, as a last resort?

Is the smack issued in the heat of the moment?  Is the parent yelling/screaming while doing so?  Or do they calmly remove the child, explain the situation and dish it out as a disciplinary action? 

For non-smackers:

What are your methods to ensure your child is disciplined?

Are your children adequately disciplined or do they run all over you?

Do you ever yell at your children?  (we are taught that verbal abuse is often more harmful than physical abuse)

Do you ever use a smack as  a threat, knowing you will not dish one out?

(These are rhetorical questions)

It can even depend on the child.  I was a precocious stubborn, dramatic little girl and I clearly remember the only thing that would curb my behaviour was a smack.  My gentle sensitive little cousin however would immediately cease any poor behaviour if her mum so much as looked in her direction or voiced being disappointed. 

There seem to be a lot of perfect parents on this thread, who never do anything that studies state can have negative outcomes for their children.  I’m sure no ones given their children McDonalds for dinner, or called their child a name out of frustration, or sworn in the car when someone has cut them off etc etc etc.  For what it’s worth, although some studies have stated smacking is associated with increased negative outcomes, others have said there are no negative outcomes when the child feels loved, and this is a difficult topic to study scientifically with 100% accuracy as there are so many other factors at play. 

Smacking or not smacking is a personal choice for the parents, just like plenty of parenting is. 

If the parents love and provide for their child and smack within the guidelines of their countries law (so for Australia, no objects, not above the neck, based in discipline only and child must understand why they are receiving a smack, no infants, no mark left, should be minimal pain/pain lasting only a very short amount of time etc) then leave them be. 

If a parent decides not to smack, and they love and provide for their child, the method they elect is also not abusive (ie. name calling) and they still choose a different method of discipline, then leave them be. 

The “you wouldn’t do that for adults” isn’t relevant.  I wouldn’t tell my boss or Darling Husband to go to their room.  I  wouldn’t take their iPad away from them.  I wouldn’t tell them they cannot leave the table if their dinner isn’t eaten.  

Ultimately, the problem here OP is that you have one view and your SO has another on a very integral part of parenting.  If you want to have children together, you need to come to a compromise together, whether that’s doing research together, speaking to a counsellor or discussing it together.  The important thing is that the conclusion must be genuine, and not strong-armed.  There’s no point one of you forcing their view on the other, as they may agree at the time, but they haven’t changed their opinion so you will have the same problem when you do have children.   Best of luck!

 

Post # 116
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

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mtlgirl :  Didn’t read the responses, only your OP, but literally every reputable study in existence demonstrates how damaging physical discipline is to children.

Post # 117
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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eeniebeans :  So much this. Whenever we have the spank no spank topic, non spankers go right for the, you wouldn’t hit an adult, so why are you hitting a helpless vulnerable child? There are many things I do for my child that I won’t do for adults, including changing shit and snuffing out boogers. Stop comparing. 

I have a 4 month old, so this hasn’t been an issue. My goal is to reason with my child, and put in place disciplinary action that is effective for my child. Every child is different, so it will be catered to what works for her. Maybe that is a time out, maybe it will be taking away her favorite toy. Maybe I will be blessed and have a child that can be spoken to like an adult early on. 

However, when she is not old to be reason with, a hand tap might be necessary. Not meant to hurt her,but meant to shock her. Touching a hot stove. If she’s too young, she may not be able to understand reason. But tapping her hand will hopefully help her remember to not do it. I truly don’t care what anyone thinks. It’s my responsibility to raise my child to the best of my ability. That is what I will do, and I will do it the best way I know how. No one can parent my child better than me. 

However, if my husband had not on board with what I wanted to do, well then we have a problem. OP, you have a problem. You must get on the same page with your husband, whatever page that may be. At the end of the day, you both want what is best for your child. That’s a good place to start. 

Post # 118
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m going to need to see that study he has. Because I think it’d be cool to see a non-existent study. Listening to the radio is not a scientific study. Neither is reading commentary of studies. 

If you disagree on how to raise children I don’t see how you can enter into a partnership to raise children. 

 

But yes, its all the people here to prove how THEY TURNED OUT OK so its therefore ok to hit children because they remember that one time when an adult hit them without a weapon and without their full strength. They turned out ok because they were hit only once and not that hard. Though I’m not clear on how lightly tapping the butt of a child not hard enough to cause pain is supposed to accomplish anything. Sounds more like something for the bedroom than a way to disipline a child, but ok. 

Post # 119
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think this debate is really confusing. I read an interesting article once about 3 types of parenting that are damaging to children, whether or not they include spanking, and one type of parenting that parents should aim for (again regardless of whether that includes spanking).

Damaging: 

1) Authoritarian parenting – ”Do it because I said so”, ”Listen to me without arguing”… you basically teach your child to live in fear and blindly obey authority. 

2) Maniuplative and comparitive parenting – ”Look, little John is being so good and you’re being so bad.. ” ”You really upset and hurt me when you behave like that.. ” ”This spanking hurts me more than it hurts you” – You teach your child that if they don’t behave the way you want them to when they wont’ like you.. they feel like their self-worth depends on other people’s approval. 

3) No parenting – letting your child run-wild with no discipline – you don’t give them the tools they need for adulthood. 

Apparently what parents should aim for (what I try and aim for with my kids anyway, but obviously I’m far from perfect) is to have a respectful partnership with their children, where you have discussions, respect your childs needs but also show them where the boundaries are with a firm ”No” followed by an explanation of why. With that time of parenting your children should have a natural respect for you and you shouldn’t actually ever need to spank, because if you are a natural authority rather than a fear-imposed one, children will WANT to listen to you. 

My personal view on spanking is that in a lot of cases a very occasional smack is unlikely to permanently damage a child, but at the same time it’s a slippery slope and if you resort to spanking when your child annoys you then it can easly turn into lazy parenting with bad consequences. Your child can also actually lose respect for you in that situation. 

 

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