Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
Hi. Bees this is a bit of a vent.
We just started wedding planning and I am really enjoying it. I’m fine with keeping in our budget and finding some great affordable ways to have a wonderful wedding.
I have already asked most of my bridal party to be MOH/bridesmaids (just waiting on one to get here from overseas so I can ask in person!) and they were thrilled and accepted!
However, FH is starting to get very down on himself about everything. I asked him for the appraisal papers to get my ring insured and he suddenly felt horrible for not having them right away. It only took him about 5 min to make a phone call and have them emailed. But he was so hard on himself for it.
Secondly, he is so nervous to ask people to stand up for him in our wedding. He talked to one friend last night and wanted to ask him to be best man, but didn’t! He says he is more nervous about this than about proposing to me! His friend announced during their conversation that he is moving about 6 hours away, and FH took that as his way of saying he doesn’t want to be in the wedding?! Uh I don’t think so! This is one of his best friends and a great guy I am sure he would have said yes! I don’t know what to do to get FH to feel better about these things? He is normally so confident but seems to lose all of that when it comes to this aspect. He is nervous to even ask his brother cause according him they’re “not that close”, but it’s his brother! It’s not like they’re feuding or anything, just that brother lives in NYC and we’re in Wisconsin.
Then when we started talking budget stuff FH gets all focused in on things that are none of his concern/responsibility. Like asking me why I need a bridal shower and a bachelorette party, why not just one party? I told him they’re not the same things and that since he doesn’t plan or pay for those he shouldn’t be worrying about it.
I don’t know how to get him to just focus and get the things we need done. When I ask him for something I just want an answer not reason why he thinks that by me asking him for something that it means he is not providing enough for me or not doing enough?! I don’t every want to imply that, but I don’t see how asking for the ring appraisal or saying we should make appointments to look at venues makes him feel inadequate? I am just not understanding his reactions.
I really wanted to bring up the topic of looking at homes because I found one that is so perfect for us and a great deal, but now I feel like I shouldn’t even bring that up right now. But we are going to need somewhere to live together within the next year or so, I thought it might not be a bad idea to at least start the process.
Anyone else run into these types of issues? What can I do to be there for him and restore his confidence?
Post # 3
Wedding planning can be stressful for guys too. I know mine had a bit of sticker shock – his idea what things should cost can be very different than real world pricing. It’s also a lot of change in a short period of time. You’re getting married, looking at getting a house, he’s probably visualizing your bank accounts hemorrhaging money every time you mention the word “wedding” or “house”. I’d take a week off discussing anything house or wedding related. Go see a movie, take him to the Dane or Gray’s, have a couple of beers and a nice night out.
Post # 4
Is being self-defeating a typical reaction for him (like when you get into arguments)? That may be what he refers back to (negative self-talk and putting himself down).
Wedding planning IS stressful! DH was stressed out about asking guys to stand up for him (I think it’s daunting for guys, honestly!). Plus, the whole wedding planning/decision making thing isn’t necessarily everyone’s forte.
I’d ask him where how much he’d like to be involved with the planning or decisions and go from there. Maybe he’d rather have you make most of the decisions….
Also – if finances are an issue (are you guys paying for the wedding yourself?) that could also be a factor.
My advice is to be as encouraging as possible and try to understand what’s at the root of his worry/tangents, etc. The more you can get him to communicate with you – the better! (I really think wedding planning lays the foundation for communication in your marriage.).
I think you should really focus on the idea of: he thinks that by me asking him for something that it means he is not providing enough for me
If you can, get into some sort of premarial counseling so you guys can talk through why he feels this way and you can BOTH learn ways to work through this issue!
HUGS – don’t dispair or give up! Keep communicating with each other!
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
@oracle: Being self-defeating is not a typical reaction from him. We are not paying for the wedding ourselves, we are contributing and I am doing as much DIY as I can while my parents have generously offered to pay for the majority of the wedding.
I think part of it was that I later found out he had just talked to his mother and she wanted to get together with him and his Dad (his parents are divorced) to talk about what they can contribute to the wedding. While I greatly appreciate their offer and didn’t think anything negative of it at all FH didn’t take things as well. He felt his mother was saying their talk should not include me and FH thinks it’s my wedding too and I should be involved in all discussions pertaining to it (I honestly am fine either way when it is his family’s money). He also thinks his mother does not have the money but that it won’t stop her for trying to pay for as much as she can and he doesn’t want her to do that either. I think once he calmed down from the conversation things got a lot better.
He actually called up our first choice venue today on his lunch break to make us an appointment to go see it this weekend.
I’m still not sure how to handle his nerves with asking the groomsmen except to keep reassuring him that as long as I have known his friends they are all wonderful people and as long as they could be there for him on that day they would be.
Post # 6
@Ms_Purple: I actually agree with your Future Mother-In-Law – in that their discussions about money should be between then and their son (as not to offend you!). Obviously, Fiance is going to be advocating for both of you 🙂 And, re: his nerves about asking his friends – give him the opportunity to express his fears to you (ie: will they think it’s stupid, did he have a bad experience as a Groomsmen and that’s why he doesn’t want to ask, etc etc.) and continue to encourage him.