Fh mom and grandma still talk to his ex daily

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2221 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

How do you know they don’t like you? Have they told your FH this? 

I’d have him sit them down and talk to them. It’s not enough for him to sigh and say, “mom, I don’t like when you invite her around when I’m there.” 

He needs to frame it as disrespect to your relationship. He can tell them that if they’re going to insist on continuing to behave this way, there will be consequences, but uninviting them from the wedding out of spite makes you look worse than them, IMO. 

Post # 17
Member
4375 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

These people are going to be in your life for a long time. Acting like an immature brat is setting yourself up for a lifetime of drama, not to mention potentially really hurting your marriage before it begins.

They can talk to whoever they want. You don’t have to like it, but it’s not your place to control it.

Post # 18
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Take the high road. That’s what I have to do. 

My ex and my mom were close. When he remarried he told it was too awkward for him to keep the friendship. She understood.

You and you fh should sit down with them together and talk it out.

Post # 19
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Well if they don’t like you already then doing what pp’s have said and talking to them is just going to solidify that. Telling other adults who they can and can’t be friends with is over the line. It is not disrespecting your relationship for them to remain friends with her. Inviting her over when he was there is also not disrespecting your relationship. What would have been disrespectful to your SO (but not to you) would have been if they invited her over after he said no.

If they are actually being mean or disrespectful to you (like ignoring you when you are in the room etc) then that is what you can talk to them about but their relationship with his ex is none of your business. But you have to remember that they do not have to like you or have a close relationship with you.

Maybe they don’t like you because you are acting like a jealous teenager trying to control who is friends with who.

Post # 20
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Be the bigger person, Bee. 

It’s super unfair of them to make you feel like this but it’s your fiances responsibility to set them straight. How much has he had to say about it? Or does he let it go? If he tends to just let it go he needs to nut the fuck up and tell them to knock it off (the inviting her over and stuff). 

If they want to maintain a relationship with her, fine, but it ahshou NOT be impacting your relationship the way it is. 

Post # 22
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
2chainz :  my grandma hated my stepmom until after the divorce, then she loved her. It was the same, she cheated on my dad. We have no idea how it changed.  Hang in there.

Post # 23
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If it last for 10 years means they are already considered friends? I dont think you can tell them who they can be friend with. But yes it sucks!!

Post # 24
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I feel for you. My mil has maintained a relationship with my husband’s cheating ex-wife (she was a multple-times cheater who actually got pregnant by one of her boyfriends & begged my husband to raise the child, and then divorced my husband once she had a miscarriage so she could run off with a different guy. Screwed up stuff.) It devastated my husband & he still has anxiety issues due to the trauma. They had been married, I think, for 16 years.  His mom adores him, so I have no idea how she can be friends with this lady. But there it is. I try not to let it bother me, but it still does. 

Post # 25
Member
10221 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
2chainz :  

 

It is SO hard to get through your unpunctuated  posts OP and I wonder perhaps , if you talk like  you wriite they find you immature and undignified  and not to be taken seriously?  Just a thought.

You mght like to marshal your ideas and work out what you you really object to before you talk to either future inlaws or fi  about it , so that you are clear and concise and,  hopefully, not too emotional when you do . 

I don’t know though ,  that anything   you say wil have much effects, as pps have said, you can’t  <em style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 11px; min-height: 0px;”>make them not want to talk to her or see her . See what jannigirl : above says! 

You lay great stress on the wrong she has done the family, but it doesn’t seem like  they see it that way does it ?  Or if they do, they don’t care too much . I think perhaps this is , for you,  a more openly acceptable  reason for hating her and not wanting her around  than just plain wishing she would get the fuck out of your life. 

  I don’t blame you in the slightest for the way you feel. I wouldn’t like it either !  But I fear you will have to accept the situation and cultivate  a cool and  slightly absent minded attitude to her , like you can barely remember her name  kind of thing. 

Post # 26
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
2chainz :  Everything you say is me me me me me. Maybe that is part of the reason they seem to not like you. You sound controlling to the max especially in your last post. You are controlling how your SO is to react and handle a situation. What about him? What about what he wants? 

You don’t like the ex for ridiculous reasons based in what seems to be insecurity and jealousy. So you think you can control other people’s relationships just because you don’t like her. You don’t think it would be smart of them to carry on a relationship with this women? What the hell does that mean? You a newcomber have decided that their 10 years of friendship means nothing? Just because you are feeling threatened and jealous?

Your FIL’s have done nothing wrong. Threatening them to end a relationship they value is over the line and yes makes you the bad guy. Their relationship with this woman is none of your business. End of story.

Post # 27
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

Your new in-laws won’t end their friendship with her; they like her regardless of what happened between her and your fiancé. You’re bothered by it, and you can chose to marry your fiancé or not. You can’t dictate relationships, and you certainly can’t expect your fiancé to uninvite his own mother and grandmother to his wedding. Show your fiance (and his entire family) you can be mature about it, and take the high road and ignore it. 

Post # 28
Member
29 posts
Newbee

View original reply
2chainz :  one of my best friends had this exact same situation happen to her. The most annoying and hurtful thing ever…. basically the way she went around it was by talking to his mom all the time and inviting her for lunch and shopping or getting their nails done together. Slight competitiveness but showing them that she is better by working on their relationship together. Ultimately, you’re stuck with them the rest of your life so you might as well try to build this relationship as best you can. Rid yourself of the jealously by getting competitive 😏 Let his mom and grandma talk to you about themselves. People LOVE talking about themselves. It really helps. Invite them to help you wedding plan or make any DIYS you’re doing for the big day. Not only will this help build your relationship with them but your fiancé will be so happy to see the three important women in his life getting along like bestys. 

Post # 29
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

It’s really none of you business who they talk to or why.

Post # 30
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know that the relationship with the ex would bother me, but inviting her over me for Christmas sure would, as would inviting her over when the Fiance is there. It feels like they’re trying to get the Fiance back with the ex, which IS disrespectful to OP, Fiance, and their relationship. So yes I do think they’ve overstepped.

I wouldn’t disinvite them from the wedding just yet but a conversation is definitely in order.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors